10 months

We've made it through the holidays so far without you. It's been hard. I haven't cried yet but there have been some close calls, especially on Christmas eve. We got together with your grandfather's side of the family as we do every year (would you have called him Nonno instead of grandfather? I would hope so.) It was nice, but it was difficult seeing my cousin and their 1.5 year old and remembering last year when I announced to the entire family that I was pregnant with you - my cousin even got it on video! It was such a magical and special moment. No one said anything about you, but don't worry, I imagined you were right there with me the whole evening. You were with me, in my heart. I think you were in their hearts too.

I finally put up ornaments on our Christmas tree. Yours was first. Yours will always be first. It looks so beautiful on the tree and fits in perfectly with the red and gold theme. My angel ornaments are surrounding you above and family ornaments surround you below. We wish you were here. We miss you so much. We love you always and forever.


Merry Christmas baby boy.

so far december sucks

Oh, hello there. I have not forgotten about you.

A lot has happened. Some of which I prefer not to share.

Let me update you.

Seven is not a lucky number, therefore I started Clomid. I took the pills, as directed, on days 3-7 of my cycle. I had a few light headaches, some chills and some pain around my ovaries, but that all went away after a few days. I'm nearing ovulation now, and the pain has picked back up, although it's more of a constant, dull or burning pain instead of the quick, sharp pains I had before. I've actually lost a few pounds too - I don't know if that's just due to my diet or if it's really the medicine, but from what I've read women will more often gain weight on Clomid than lose. My depression level seems to have spiked today...again, maybe due to the medicine, or not. My neck and shoulders have been sore all day - apparently I slept funny last night - and they would hurt every time I checked my blind spots while driving home from work this evening. I started thinking of how much I'd love a massage, but can't get one from Keith because he has arthritis in his hands. And then I started crying. And I'm crying now. WTF? Because I want a massage? Oh these are going to be a fun few days... or weeks. How long does this emotional shit last?

Keith put up our fake Christmas tree about a week and a half ago. I put the tree skirt around it, hung a garland on our mirror in the living room, and that's it. I have not put ornaments on the tree yet. I dont know if I will. I feel like I should but.. I just don't give a fuck about Christmas. I sent out cards today, though. And we put up lights outside. So maybe I give a little bit of a fuck.

The sapphire ring Keith gave me for Mother's day broke. IT BROKE. MY MOTHER'S DAY RING BROKE. We were at my company's holiday party on Friday and somehow while we were dancing the sapphire and the posts holding it just popped right off. I had gone to the bathroom and noticed it was gone after washing my hands. I am so amazed that I did not break down right then and there. I found Keith, showed him the ring, and the hunt was on. The waitstaff was searching, women in the bathroom were searching, fellow coworkers were searching.. and finally after maybe 10-15 minutes my very best coworker found it lying on the ground against a wall. I took it to my aunt (our family jeweler) the next day and she sent it off to be fixed. She called today and said it's ready, but due to work and her hours I won't be able to pick it up till Friday. But let me go back to the fact that it BROKE. What does that mean? It means nothing, right? Of course. But you know what went through my head. That ring was given to me as a symbol that I am a mom. But it broke. So I am not really a mom. It's all a farce. I am broken. I am a "mom" to a dead child. I can't even get pregnant again to give myself a second shot at being a real mom. Thank you, life. Thank you, world. I get it. You suck.

About two weeks before this happened I found out my best friend is pregnant, again. And then my period started.


And now you are caught up.


Merry fucking christmas.

drugs

I meet with a doctor today to discuss my options. It was difficult to talk and listen to him inbetween my sobs, but I made it through. I only saw two noticeably pregnant women at the office, so that was nice. I haven't been that close to a pregnant woman in a while. Ten feet is close, people. Close enough.

I had seen this doctor once while I was pregnant but he didn't seem to remember me. That's ok.. he sees a lot of women...in a professional manner, of course. I told him my story and what my cycle is like right now. My cycle length is fine (even though I think it's short), but he seemed to think my luteal phase is too short - it's around 11 days. If I were a typical "average" woman I'd have a cycle length of 28 days, with ovulation on day 14 and a luteal phase of 14 days. I bet there are like 2 women in the world who are normal like that. Maybe 3. Anyway, I haven't been charting that long but so far I've been ovulating on day 15/16 with a 26/27 day cycle.

So, technically, I'm normal. The doctor made a point to tell me this, but he thankfully is not a stupid doctor and said it would be ok to start me on some medicine to see if it will help get things going. He wants me to get pregnant. In many cases doctors or fertility specialists will tell couples to try for 6-12 months and then they'll start testing. The fact that we got pregnant before is a good sign. And while we've been trying since June (so not a full 6 months), I've gone through 6 cycles now without getting pregnant. That's a long-ass time when you've gone through a miscarriage and the only thing you want right now is to get pregnant again.

He wrote me two prescriptions: One for folic acid and one for Clomid. Folic acid is said to help reduce the risk of infant spinal cord birth defects. Clomid is an estrogen receptor blocker, so it fools my brain, ovaries, etc. into thinking that I am not producing enough estrogen. This influences them to produce more estrogen and thus encourage ovulation. Now, according to my temperature charts, I am already ovulating normally (maybe a little late in respect to my cycle length), but it's been reported that Clomid can help you ovulate BETTER.. so a better chance of pregnancy. It also raises the chance that your follicles will release more than one egg, so a higher chance for twins.

I'll start the folic acid right away, but since I'm in the middle of a cycle I can't start the Clomid yet. Apparently you only take it on days 3 through 7 of your cycle. Maybe I won't even need it. Maybe cycle #7 will be our lucky number.

If not, we'll try for a few more months on Clomid, and if I still don't get pregnant we'll go back to the doctor and have him run some tests on the both of us.

Fun, fun.

9 months

It's been nine months since you left us, baby boy. We've missed you every minute of every day. I can't stop myself from imagining life with you alive. Oh, how wonderful thanksgiving would he have been with you here. You'd get passed around from family member to family member, each one wanting to hold you forever and gaze at your beautiful face. Christmas will be hard.

Yesterday we went out to dinner to celebrate your uncle's birthday. Nonna came too. It was really hard to watch her chase after a stranger's children, trying to talk to them and entertain them. I felt terrible that I couldn't provide a little bundle of joy for her to play with, not even something to look forward to.

Perhaps next year we'll have a brother or sister for you. They will never replace you. Nothing will. It would be nice to have something to fill this void in my life, though. Hope, love, happiness. I try. I am trying to be better and get through life without you. It's just so hard.

But who said it would be easy?

Love you always.

thanks

One year ago today we found out I was pregnant with Aidan. We didn't tell family members or friends right away, which was pretty amazing since Thanksgiving was the next day followed by an annual get-together of my high school friends. Somehow we kept that secret to ourselves for a few more weeks.

I wish I had a secret to spill today.

Instead I am trying to be thankful, as we all should on this day, for everything I still have. My house, my health, my job, my husband, my friends and family who are still here and relatively healthy.

It's just hard to be thankful when something so precious has been taken from you. His absence does make me more thankful for the things I have, when I realize how much I do have. But.. I'd give up my job if I could have my son back.  I'd be homeless in another country far away from my friends and family if it meant I could have my son back. My husband, well he's the one thing I need with me. I can't give him up. And, I suppose, my health.

Anyway, I am not bargaining here. I am just having a discussion. With myself. Look at what you have, self. Be appreciative of all the things that are good. Your freedom in this country, the yarn you will buy tonight, your amazing husband who's cleaning the yard, the chance to beta test the new Star Wars game on Saturday (and stop being bitter that everyone else gets to test it before you!). Be thankful.  Say thank you. Recognize those around you who have done amazing things for you.

How many times must I say this before it sinks in?


Enjoy your thanksgiving, everyone. Try not to eat too much.

short rant

Why do people insist on posting pictures of other people's babies on facebook? "OMG it's my friend's cousin's best friend's daughter!  isn't she so fucking cute?"  And why do they make other people's babies their profile picture???  YOU ARE NOT A BABY. YOU ARE NOT RELATED TO THIS PERSON. Or maybe you are. IF YOU ARE I DON'T CARE! YOU ARE NOT A BABY!!! I don't get it.  Seriously people. I haven't hidden you because you are not pregnant and have not recently had a child and do not (for the most part) post stupid stuff, so why must you pull shit like this and force me to hide you?  I don't think I'll have any friends left on my newsfeed by the end of the year.

waiting

I made an appointment with the OBGYN group I went to while pregnant with Aidan to discuss... options, I guess.   There's nothing seriously wrong with me, that I know of, but I think there are some factors playing against me that are preventing me from getting pregnant again. My hypothesis is a too-short luteal phase based on the charting I've done these past few months. This means, if I'm correct, that they'll put me on Clomid or something similar.  Or maybe give me a cream. Or do nothing and let me fend for myself. Who knows.

I didn't chart or test before Aidan so I don't know what my luteal phase was like back then, but my cycle length was about the same as it is now.  So maybe I got really lucky with Aidan, or my body just fucking hates me now. I guess we'll see.

I'm just so tired of all this waiting.

My alarm goes off at 7:30 every morning so I can take my temperature. Sometimes I go back to bed, sometimes I get up. I get ready, go to work or do whatever I need to do that day, but it's really just waiting until I can go home and relax - crochet or whatever - then go to sleep so I can wake up again and take my temperature. On a bigger scale it's waiting for each week to pass as I get closer and closer to ovulation.. then it's waiting for more weeks to pass as AF approaches.  On an even bigger scale, it's waiting for each wasted month to pass until I finally see that second line of hope.

I'm waiting for tomorrow to get here. I'm waiting for two weeks to pass by. I'm waiting for 9 or 10 or 11 months down the road when I might finally have a living, breathing, healthy child in my arms. My own child.  I'm trying to enjoy life, but it's hard with all this waiting to do.

11-11-11

I love the number 11.

It is my favorite.

This should be my favorite day ever.

Something amazing should happen today.

yet i am fighting so hard to hold back my tears.

Just gotta get through today.

Tomorrow awaits.

But I hate waiting.

Can't someone just put me in a coma and wake me up for the important parts?

That would be nice.

At least I'd get a lot of sleep.

solange

Just felt like posting today.

Had everything gone right, sometime around today's date Aidan would be turning 3 months old. Crazy.

I'm waiting for a day when my facebook newsfeed DOESN'T contain a picture of someone's brand new baby. It's sick, people.

I can't read other people's babyloss blogs anymore. They're all too sad. Or they're pregnant again and then I feel like a failure because I'm not. I really don't need others reminding me of this.

Yes, our relationship will be strained (on my part) if you get pregnant before me. But what can we do about that.  I'll just hide in my hole again until it's safe to come out.

And now for a 180, this was taken on a recent trip to Mackinaw City. We call her Solange.

At least there's a little bit of happiness in my life.

jumanji

Do you have a Jumanji?

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

8 months

I don't even know what to say. I feel like this past month has gone by so fast.

I have lots I could write about... except it's the same old stuff.

Almost having an anxiety attack in a restaurant when you *think* your friend might be pregnant is probably not a good thing.

"It happened for a reason."  Also not a good thing.

Lots of waiting is going on here. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to get my period...Well, I guess that's it. Just two things I wait for each month. Although I get overconfident that "this is the month!" so it's more like waiting to miss my period. But that just won't happen...

It's almost been a year since we first tried for Aidan. I should have an almost 3-month old by now. I don't even know what they do at 3 months. But I bet it would be adorable. Spit up and stuff, I guess.

I've been trying to get myself out of this fiery tunnel of grief. It's a long and lonesome tunnel. And yes, I did say it was on fire. The smoke billows up but there's nowhere for it to escape so I'm stuck breathing it in, coughing, slowing down, gasping for air. Every now and then I find a pocket of fresh air.. and maybe I stay there too long trying to breathe it all in, trying to enjoy those moments of distraction from the pain and burning around me. I lap it up. But all too soon it's gone, and I have to keep moving forward if I ever want to get out. I see the light at the end, but it seems so far away. The air pockets are appearing more frequently, but perhaps I'm also breathing more slowly.. savoring whatever I can get.. yet prolonging my time in the tunnel. But the air, when I can find it, is so sweet.

Ah, well.

Thank you, dear facebook friend, for the analogy. The fire reference still makes me laugh :)

Aidan...

you know the deal. Eight months gone is much too long. I imagine every day as if you were here.
i miss you.
i love you.

ssdd

I've never read the books, but I know in one of the twilight novels when ugly vampire guy breaks up with emotional teenage girl, the writer creatively adds many blank chapters, one for each month ugly guy was gone. Because there was nothing important enough for sad girl to write about in her diary. Her life had no meaning without ugly guy.

I'm kinda feeling that way now..not that my life has no meaning, but there's really nothing new to write about. I'd just be whining and complaining and being sad as I always do.. Aidan should be here..pregnant people suck..blah blah blah. SSDD. Same shit, different day. (Totally borrowed that from a Stephen King novel, "Dreamcatcher.")

This week has been special, so I guess it's time to write something.

1. I had to leave a wedding early last week because I could not control my emotions. That's a first.

2. Keith and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary on Tuesday.

3. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day.


So, that's it for now.

Always thinking of you, Aidan.

7 months

Today marks 7 months since we lost Aidan.

I no longer imagine myself pregnant with him, yet I still yearn to be pregnant with him.. heck to be pregnant at all. Seeing pregnant women and glowing new moms with their babies still causes a knot to form in my stomach and that familiar anxiety to creep up on me. The same occurs when hearing about successful births (damn you facebook...).

But instead of imagining myself pregnant I now imagine myself holding our sweet baby boy in my arms. Alive. Everywhere I go I imagine what I would be doing if he were still here. How things would be different.

At the housewarming on Saturday I would have brought him in, snuggled in his carrier, and everyone would have oohed and aahed at this new life Keith and I created. I probably would have had to sneak away into a bathroom or behind a closed door so I could breastfeed him. Maybe we would leave early if he was being fussy.

Yesterday he would have attended the baptism of his future girlfriend and he probably would have cried like all of the other children and I would have had to take him outside and calm him down and tell him everything is alright, the scary church people won't bite.

At work I would have a pack and play set up in my office where he could nap and play while I helped our customers. I'd make sure to bring him in on Mondays and Wednesdays when the receptionist is in because I know she would love to see him.

Every event.

Everywhere.

He should be here.

And I imagine every second of it.

Like I'm living in another dimension. Oh how I wish.



Love and miss you as always, Aidan.

grief

Getting my period has become a process of grieving.

1. Denial.  That spotting I noticed yesterday? Oh that must have been implantation bleeding, for sure!. And those cramps? Yeah that must be my uterus starting to expand as it prepares for a new baby!
2. Anger. WTF! Is that really my period starting? No! I am putting my foot down this time, body! NO! How dare you start! And early, too!
3. Bargaining. I swear that I'll do everything right during my pregnancy if you promise that you're just pretending to be a real period! It's just hormones, right?  I won't eat lunch meat! I won't breathe when I'm driving behind smelly trucks! I'll only sleep on my left side!
4. Depression. why? again? what did i do wrong? i thought we did everything right... and now we have to go through this for yet another month? why do you hate me, world?  i'm going to go hide in a hole now and cry myself to sleep.
5. Acceptance. Days later...I guess I'm really not pregnant this month. fuck. Ok, let's do everything right this time. Exercise, eat right, chart temps..it's gotta work next month, for sure!

And the cycle repeats itself. Over and over and over again.

planning ahead

I can't do it. I have the hardest time planning ahead for anything nowadays.

A few days ago my boss? manager? person asked me what my plans were for my future in the company. My first thought: I don't know. Second: um, to continue working?  Third: Why?   His response: "Well, you were pregnant and I don't know if you're going to do it again but what do you want to do? Be full time? Part time? Stay in this position...?"

Ummmm. I don't know. I started rambling off a bunch of things.. Like I'd like to stay where I am for now as manager of the support team. I could take on more responsibility or less or whatever (just please don't be firing me right now!). As for the future? I have no clue. I told him that I honestly cannot plan for the future anymore. I would like to continue working here, of course, and I have no plans of leaving. If we magically get pregnant again and I have a baby and it lives then I could do part time or bring the kid in to work or if things go differently then I might have to be a stay at home mom... I really just don't know.

The future feels so uncertain now. I can't say for sure what I'll be doing 5 years from now or a year from now or even next week.  I thought I was going to deliver a live baby in August, but instead I delivered a dead baby in February.  I've learned that your future can change at the drop of a hat.

So when someone asks me to hang out next weekend or go on a trip or what my plans are for x day, I have a hard time responding. I'm actually a little shocked at first - like, you expect me to plan that far ahead? To know what I'm doing that day?  Then I start thinking of that day and what my situation might be that day.. Will I be pregnant? Is that a "special" day and will I be extra emotional? If so, how will that affect the day? Will I want to attend that event?  Who will be there or how many? Is my anxiety going to flare up and will I be able tolerate being around that many people? Or can I handle seeing that one person?

There are so many factors involved that sometimes just thinking about the event will get me worked up.

I need time, too. I went to a wedding last weekend and was very rushed for time because it was far away and we had to leave "early" for it. My hair dryer died the day before so I had to run out and buy one in the morning and I ended up not having enough time to do my hair so I threw it in a ponytail. Very classy for a wedding (especially one that I was part of). Then I was searching for a wrap that I wanted to bring in case it got cold and I couldn't find it and I just about broke down as we were heading out the door. Holding back tears because I couldn't find a wrap and couldn't curl my hair. I'm a procrastinator and I like sleeping in, so giving myself ample time to get anything done without feeling rushed takes a lot of effort or a lot of hours.

Then there's the downtime. If too many events are scheduled close together I will freak out because I NEED time to cool down and relax, to work on my crochet or catch up on a tv show. I honestly get anxiety about finishing my crochet projects. If I don't get time to work on them then the anxiety just keeps building up and then it's all I can think about. Crochet is my drug. Or my anti-drug?  So there's yet another factor that has to considered when planning ahead: Need time for crochet.

Ugh. I feel like a mess. I don't like last minute things, but if you ask me too far in advance I have trouble thinking ahead. Can't have too many events close together, but I am definitely still ok with being a hermit and not seeing anyone. Sorry, friends. What do I think the future will hold? No clue. Tomorrow? Forgetaboutit.

Just breathe. just breathe.

busy busy

I have a few posts in my head that I want to write, but I just don't have time. It takes me forever to get the words down just right, and even then they're not always right or I've forgotten something that I really wanted to say. I have been very busy these past few weeks. Mostly due to me venturing out into the world again.  I guess that's a good thing.  Oh, and work. Work has been crazy.

I had to hide my cousin on facebook today. Oh and number.. I don't remember had her child a week ago or so.  I don't even know if it's a boy or girl. Is that bad? Nah.

Ok that's it for now. Back to the grind.

sleeping sickness

I heard this song on the radio the other day. It's been out for years but I forgot about it and how much I like it. Did I mention how much I love 89x?


This is not necessarily how I feel right now (or anymore?), so don't get all worried or anything. I just like the song, k?  Although I have been sleeping very poorly lately, so I do relate.


And by lately, I mean I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. Or the last time I haven't wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day. Or an hour after I've woken up.


Anyway... without further ado.. here's the song:

Sleeping Sickness by City and Colour feat. Gordon Downie

the white ellipse

It's September.

wtf? 

Where did time go?

Six months, man. I didn't write a huge post on Aidan's 6 month *day.  I couldn't find the words. There are too many.  That was a sad day, though, as is every day. But I wrote a poem in honor of it.  I haven't written a poem since high school so don't judge me.



The white ellipse
Full of promise
Full of hope

Time passes
The secondhand ticks away

Suddenly
A single pink line
Solemn, resolute
Slowly darkening to a deep fuchsia

Beautiful
It commands attention
But is missing its partner

Time passes again
Agonizing minutes

There is nothing
Just white
Glaringly bright

Hope is lost
Dreams are shattered

Maybe next month

stabby stab stab

Hooray.

My cousin had her baby. It's a girl. And it's alive.

I think I've hidden everyone else who is due soon, so hopefully I won't be hearing about any more happiness for a while.

In other news, Beyonce is pregnant. But not this Beyonce.  That would be an interesting story.

Quit stabbing me in the heart, world.

late night thoughts

i hate writing.

mainly because i'm not good at it.

i have so much trouble finding the words to express these feelings. i try and try and then i get frustrated and give up.

i wish i could just project my thoughts onto the computer and it would magically come up with the beautiful sentences my mind wants to create.

...

i am definitely jealous.  of them.

it's so stupid though. i have so much in life to be thankful for. keith and i both have jobs. we have a house. we are financially stable. our relationshp is great. our family and friends are great.

but we don't have our son.

they have their kids. and their pregnancies. people congratulate them all the time and gush sentiments about how wonderful things are.

...

we've been trying for three months now. how the hell was it so easy last time?

i'm pulling out all the stops this month. i'm charting my temperature and i bought a zillion ovulation tests.

ok, almost all of the stops.  i hear acupuncture is really good.

i guess i should get motivated and start exercising again too.

...

eminem made me cry today.

my birthday sucked ass because i thought i was having a miscarriage. looking back, i don't think i was, but it seemed like it at the time.

we had a good mini-vacation. i wish i lived on the water.

i should go to bed so i don't screw up my temperature reading.

6 months

Today Keith and I are leaving for our mini-vacation to visit several Michigan breweries.

I'm a little excited to get out of the house and visit the west side of the state.

I'm a little sad because there's nothing stopping me from sampling the beers.

Oh well.

Love and miss you, Aidan.

congrats...you suck

The list just got bigger...again.  We're up to #15. Of course this list is going to continuously get longer. The world would have a serious problem if it didn't.  I'd like to be on that list someday. Then I can be jealous of myself and hate myself when I look in the mirror.

What do I say to these newly pregnant women or new mamas whose children survived the birthing process? Congratulations would be an acceptable response, but that's not completely how I feel...that's not all I wish to say.  I've seen the dark side (is this not humorous now that I've written about the force?). I know that just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you end up with a live baby after nine months. I almost want to warn them not to get their hopes up, don't get too confident or optimistic. Your baby could die. Yes, that's morbid, but it's true.

When I was pregnant with Aidan I had a false sense of security once we hit the 3 month mark. That's when they say it's ok to tell people about your pregnancy because the chances of miscarriage after that point are so low.  But look at what happened. I was counting my blessings every week until that 3-month point knowing at any moment I could miscarry or the baby's heartbeat would not be found at the next appointment. I was even cautious about getting pregnant - we managed to get pregnant on the first try, but I totally wasn't expecting that. We started in November and I was planning on it taking a few months so we'd hopefully end up pregnant by February (thus potentially giving me an 11-11-11 baby.. I like numbers, what can I say?).  So I'm thankful for the luck we had and the time we had with our son, but I know things don't always turn out well.

I wish I could bring back the little bit of optimism and confidence I had after 3 months of pregnancy - that same confidence the new moms and moms-to-be have. But all that's left is pessimism and sarcasm. I want to hope and get excited about possibly being pregnant again, but I can't. I'm afraid. And when I see all these new pregnancy announcements I get afraid for the new moms because they could go through what I went through. But then everything is fine for them. And then I get sad.. <insert obligatory "of course I'm happy that their kid is alive BUT..."> My kid is not alive. And then the sarcasm/anger jumps in and all I want to say is fuck you and your happiness. Stop shoving that crap in my face. To the newly pregnant I want to say: "Good luck." Or, "Congrats on getting pregnant, I hope the baby survives."   To the new moms with a live child: "You truly do deserve a congratulations, I'm insanely jealous of you, here's hoping the kid doesn't die of SIDS or any other disease."  But none of that would be appropriate to write in a card or on facebook, methinks.

So I lay silent and click that infamous hide button. I'll let those thoughts fester in my brain for now while the rest of you do the congratulating.

belly

This made me laugh. Such a refreshing take on all those goddamn annoying pregnant bellies.
(....no offense to anyone who is currently pregnant and reads this blog... you know how it is.)

the box and the force

I feel as though a switch was flipped in my brain after Aidan's due date passed. I was not well before that. I was very sad, very despondent. We had a get-together at our house after my birthday, partially to celebrate and partially because Keith really wanted to have a bonfire. I stayed in my room the whole night and didn't talk to anyone. I'm thankful everyone heeded Keith's warnings and didn't come knocking because I would have ran outside and driven off until they all went home. No joke.

I'm not really sure what made me feel better. Perhaps it was just time passing. Keith and I spent the previous week working on Aidan's box, as we're calling it, and maybe the completion of it put me at ease. This is it, if you're wondering:

Keith actually made it out of oak mantel molding.  He just cut it up into four pieces and put it together. Haha - if it were only that simple.  I stained it a dark brown color and lined it with red velvet...

I also crocheted a tiny lace bag for his ashes, complete with a silk lining:

We transferred his ashes on his due date, and after opening the round, plastic container he was originally in,  we discovered his ashes were in yet another container - a thick plastic bag.  I was kind of grateful for that as I thought his ashes were just floating around in the round tub and I was unsure how to transfer them to his new, prettier bag. We ended up just putting the plastic bag into the lace bag and left it at that. Surprisingly, it fit.   So now Aidan rests inside a plastic bag, within a silk-lined cotton lace bag, within a red velvet-lined oak box. All hand-made (except for the plastic bag). At least he won't spill out anywhere if the box falls over.

I know his box is technically an urn, but I don't like the word urn. Urns have a sad, depressing connotation to me. I'm tired of being sad about Aidan. I want to think of him in a positive light and imagine that wherever he is now that it's a better place for him.  I don't quite believe in heaven or hell or god (even with my roman catholic upbringing and 8? years of torturous catechism), but, rather, energy.  The Force, as I call it. Yes, I believe in the Force. I am not a jedi, although I would love a lightsaber. And don't you always want to say "May the force be with you" for the sign of peace during mass?  No? Anyway...I'm not going to discuss this in great lengths, but I talk to Aidan and always say goodnight to him, hoping his energy can feel mine reaching out to him.  I imagine his energy surrounding me with bright, white light and I try to do the same for him.

Maybe Aidan's energy is more restful now that he's in a nicer home, and that in turn has allowed my energy to calm down. Whatever it is, I'm hoping this little sense of peace I have keeps up.

being social

My "social experiment" is going well so far. I haven't done much, but I have hung out with Jenn twice and.. well I guess that's it.  I went to a bridal shower too but I would have gone to that even without the experiment. I did talk to a friend at the shower whom I haven't seen since before Aidan. She asked me how life was going for me and I had the hardest time replying.. I kinda mumbled, shrugged my shoulders, said well, y'know.. I just couldn't get the words out. Usually I just say "ok" or "as good as it can be" but I felt like I should give a better response, and I just couldn't do it. Ah well. It was nice talking to her, though.

I'll be seeing people more often in the next few days and weeks. I'm not anxious about these events (yet?) so that's a good thing. Sometimes I wonder if my thyroid medication had something to do with my relapse into sadness. In mid-July I switched back to a higher dosage, and perhaps it finally kicked in early in August (right after my birthday stupidness, which I still haven't blogged about).

I still feel sad for myself (am I pitying myself?) but I'm trying to get over that. I definitely still get anxious when discovering newly pregnant women/friends (#14 revealed herself today) but what can I do about that?  I've hidden tons of people on facebook to try to avoid things like that, but I know I can't escape all of it. I'm worried about when they start to pop out those babies.. that's going to start happening real soon. My cousin's the first, due at the end of August.  Luckily she does not post a lot on facebook so maybe I won't see much. I feel bad hiding her. 

Another baby shower is coming up in two weeks, although I will not be attending. The invitation came at a very bad time, and I pretty much said fuck that! when I saw it in the mail. I did hang it on my fridge so I could remember to RSVP as a big fat NO.  But! I didn't RSVP till yesterday as I am training myself not to make hasty decisions when I'm full of emotion. Keith and I have actually decided to take another trip - a weekend trip, this time - to visit some breweries in Michigan, and the only time we can go just so happens to be the same weekend as the shower.  If the trip were not happening, I'm still not sure if I would go or not, but at least I have a better excuse than sorry, I'm still hating on pregnant women right now.

I originally wrote a ton of stuff for this post, but I realized I had gone off on a tangent way too many times, so you should be seeing more than one post from me this week. wooo.

happenings

I just got home from a wedding that I wasn't supposed to go to.  ....Because I was supposed to be 40+ weeks pregnant or at home with a healthy newborn.

The wedding was nice. I knew the bride and her family and some family friends (aka our fake aunts, uncles and cousins). I found out the bride's sister is expecting, due in February, I believe.  But... I got to dance and drink some alcohol that she couldn't have (mwahaha.. or not..). I heard the cat daddy song for the first time and while waiting in line for some water I was handed a shot of whiskey and thus shot said shot with a bunch of strangers.  Fun times.

Only three more weddings to go to this year (assuming the 3rd one is in-state or not crazy far away).

In non-wedding news, I reactivated my facebook account yesterday.  No less than 5 minutes later I discovered yet another person who is expecting.  I don't even talk to this person, but she just happens to be invited to large event that I am also invited to, and I just HAD to read comments on the wall of said event.  Thanks, facebook. Seriously.. you couldn't last 5 minutes without shoving all of this in my face.. again? So, you can add to my list: K due in December and S due in February.  What is that.. 13?  Who else?

At the wedding, my mom asked me why I went back to facebook. I had been thinking about coming back for a few weeks now, and then my birthday happened, which was probably the worst birthday of my life (perhaps I'll explain in another post). So I put facebook and seeing people all-together on hold (...again). Then Aidan's due date came, and it felt good to get past that day.. Like, I survived it. I'm still here, the world is still spinning, I really wish Aidan were here but that's obviously not gonna happen.. Maybe I need to push myself to "move on."  And I don't mean move on as in forget about him, but try to be social again.. to see my best friend(s) (because I have to see them at some point, right?) and converse with people. As Keith said, "that's what Aidan would want." ...right?

I've been having a lot of anxiety just thinking about this, but maybe it will fade or maybe I'll just get numb to it if I keep putting myself in these uncomfortable situations. I mean, I've already sheltered myself from everyone for a few months and I really haven't gotten that much better, so maybe the opposite will help?  I can always go back into hiding. But, in answer to my mom's question, I'm doing this to force myself to deal with the anxiety of seeing people.

So, I'm back on facebook, tomorrow I will be hanging out with Jenn, and who knows what else will happen. Maybe I'll organize a pregnant women flash mob or just watch this video a dozen times (seriously though - don't click that link if you're really hating pregnant women right now..you might need to punch someone (them) in the face). 

I really hope this helps. I hope I don't break down again.

poem

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                                    i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


-- e. e. cummings

a letter

Dear Aidan,

Today is a special day. Today is the day I had been looking forward to since November of last year. Today was your due date.

I know the chances of you actually being born on this date were very low, but this is The Date that I've had in my head all these months. I was actually hoping you would arrive a week late on August 11, as 11 is my favorite number. And how cool is 8-11-11 for a birthday? I slowly convinced myself that 8-4-11 or any other combination was just as good (but I still hoped that you'd hold out at least until August - we have so many July birthdays in our family!).

Sadly you arrived much too early. Well, you died first, then you were born into this world.

That day was hard. It was surreal. I don't know exactly when you died - it could have been Friday afternoon when I couldn't keep water or food down due to that stupid antibiotic, or maybe in the middle of the night when the bleeding started. The doctor confirmed your death Saturday morning (after my insistence for an ultrasound) around 10am. Nine hours later you were here, so tiny and so perfect.

I was glad that you arrived mostly naturally - they only had to give me some medicine to make the contractions stronger and I had an epidural too (on half of my body, at least). I guess I'm glad that I didn't need a "procedure" to get things moving.

When Amanda, the nurse, brought you in to my room after she cleaned you up, I was so nervous. I didn't want to hold you, and neither did your dad, but I deeply regret that now. Maybe I was scared that holding you would make this nightmare real - it would cement your death and I would never wake up from this hellish dream. At one point Amanda moved your blanket and your arm to show us your hand, and I almost freaked out when she touched you. As if it was wrong to touch you, how dare she touch you or move you.  Now I would do anything to go back in time so I could hold you, to feel your skin, to kiss your head.  I wish I knew what you felt like. Now I can only feel you in my dreams.

Sunday marked the first day of our lives without you. I watched Rocky that morning from my hospital bed. I had never seen that movie before. Now it will always be linked with you and your death. Outside the snow was falling pretty heavily. I couldn't see much through my hospital room window but I saw that. All the snow. Frozen tears of the angels. Life continuing on. Leaving the hospital was so hard.. all the sadness of leaving empty handed. A pregnant woman a day earlier, no longer pregnant, no child to hold.

Life since then has been difficult for me. I think about you all of the time and how much I wish you were here.  I feel broken without you. You were a piece of me. Though, you still are a piece of me, just different.  As the poem goes, I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart). 

You are with me always, Aidan, and I hope you are with me too. I don't know what happens after this life, but I hope, in some way, that you know how much you were wanted and how much we love you. 

Love,

Mommy

don't

don't hope.

don't dream.

don't wish.

don't imagine.

don't expect anything but the worst.




then maybe it won't hurt so much.

another birthday

happy birthday to me.

happy birthday to me.

happy birthday dear self (and the two others at work who stole my thunder and share my birthday).

happy birthday to me.

5 months

We're getting closer and closer to Aidan's due date. I don't feel as anxious about nearing this day as I thought I would, but who knows what I'll be like on the actual day. It still makes me cry to sit here and think about it.

I've heard a couple songs on the radio lately that are about loss - not babyloss in particular but just losing a loved one in general. I really like the lyrics and the music, although I like the 2nd one (below) better because it's more my style.

Bleeker Ridge - You Would've Liked It

Avenged Sevenfold - So Far Away

I feel like they both touch on a lot of my feelings.. wishing for what should have been but also trying to accept that he's gone and saying goodbye.


Happy 5 month angelversary, Aidan. I love you!!

samples

Thank you, Similac, for the free samples of infant formula.



Go rot in hell.

two week countdown

I've been putting off writing this post for a while, but I guess today seems like a good day to do it.

Today is one week from my 28th birthday.

Today is two weeks from Aidan's due date.

I keep imagining myself with a large, pregnant belly. What would I be doing if I were still pregnant? How would I be feeling? How many awesomely cute summer maternity shirts would I have bought?

It all makes me sad. Maybe I shouldn't think about that stuff but I do. How can I not? I'm sure once we get to his due date and past it all I will think about is what life would have been like with him alive.

What should we do on his due date? I want to do something.. to commemorate him.. or something. Or maybe I shouldn't be commemorating what should have been. Keith doesn't think we should do anything special until February 26 - that's Aidan's day. I don't know. I've looked up some things that others have done.. like releasing balloons with messages written on them or visiting his grave (which I get to look at and talk to every day since his ashes are sitting on our living room side table). Maybe we'll finally finish what we started with his final resting place (which I kind of mentioned in this post).

Is it wrong to do something on his due date? Or bad for my mental health or however you want to put it?

I wish this would get easier.

a vacation

Keith and I went to Napa Valley last week for a last minute vacation. Last minute, as in we planned it the week before. Since I travel so much for work I've accrued a ton of points for hotels and airlines over the years, and this allowed us to travel and stay for F-R-E-E!  We still had to pay for a car rental and souvenirs (aka a buttload of wine), but we came out cheap compared to some of our other vacations.

It was a good trip. We spent our first night (Wednesday) in San Francisco and got to walk around Fisherman's wharf and ride a trolley (yes, Keith did sing the rice-a-roni song over and over again).

San Francisco at night

on the trolley

On Thursday we got a car and drove up to Santa Rosa (we got to drive over the Golden Gate Bridge!)...

stopping at Lagunitas and Russian River brewing companies...

Russian River has a huge sampler!

...then drove through some crazy mountain roads to get to Napa.

We checked into our hotel (the Embassy Suites - fantastic) and ended the day with some dinner at a wine bar in Napa, who happens to sell a standard size bottle of wine for $1,695.00. No joke. The wine maker is Screaming Eagle. Crazy, no?

There's one highway that we took pretty much everywhere in Napa - CA-29. I call that winery road because every where you look there's a winery, all right next to each other. Lining both sides of the road you'll see thousands of grapevines carefully tied up - some are allowed to overgrow and some appear to be trimmed and maintained. Keith even tasted a grape off one of the vines, but since it's so early in the season it was bitter.

imagine these everywhere

Early Friday morning we headed back into the mountains and got a tour of Cain winery. They have some delicious wines and the air up there was so crisp and fresh. Our tour group consisted of the guide, another couple, and us. That's it. I liked how intimate it was and we weren't lost amongst a giant crowd.

yummmmm

We headed back down the mountain after that and visited V. Sattui...

...and Ferrari-Carano.

They have a few grapevines...

We chose to take a nap after that since we had to wake up so early to make our tour that morning. We had planned to get up around 7 for dinner, but we were so tired we hit the snooze and slept until the next morning!

Rested and ready to go the next day, we hit up 5 different wineries: Franciscan, Folie a Deux, Prager Port House, Del Dotto (the old caves), and Alpha and Omega.  They all had some fantastic wines, and we brought home at least two bottles from each place.

Folie a Deux makes a red wine called Menage a Trois, which is pretty much our go-to wine for get togethers and just hanging out at home.

Prager was a nice surprise - we had never heard about them before but they make some great ports. Their tasting room was quite fantastic as well - it was covered in currency from all over the world!

Part of a wall at Prager. Even the ceilings and staircase were covered!

Del Dotto was fun because we got to tour their old caves and taste wine straight from the barrel. We had a larger tour group this time but it was still small enough that you didn't feel left out.

Barrels of wine

Dinner that night was at a vegetarian restaurant called Ubuntu. It was FANTASTIC! All of their vegetables are grown locally and you can really tell how fresh everything was. We ordered a four-course meal full of surprises from the chef. My favorite was the 3rd course which consisted of organic grits and beans and other deliciousness. I could eat that stuff every day.

The grits don't look like much but they were soooo good!

On Sunday we drove the 1.2 hours back to the San Francisco airport and headed home, our suitcases full of wine and beer.

All in all, it really was a good trip. It was nice to get away from the stressors of work and just relax a bit.  My mood is still going up and down (happy some days and sad the next) and I haven't been sleeping well, but so far this week I've been feeling ok.. almost considering doing something crazy.. but we shall see about that.  So there you have it.. a happier post for a change.



p.s. Huge thanks go out to Tracy for sending me info about her trip to Napa!

colonized

I just got back from the doctor. My body is awesome.

We know that my thyroid level changed (again) so I'm going back to a higher dosage of fake thyroid.

My vitamin D is low so I need to get some more sunshine or drink some milk.

The bacterial vaginosis that started this whole mess is gone.

Apparently my body missed having something stupid hanging out down there so it replaced the bacterial vaginosis with group B strep.

I have no symptoms of this (which is normal) and that means I am now "colonized," according to a pamphlet my doctor gave me.

This is normal, folks, so don't go crazy. Read up on it if you like.

Yes.. they can treat me for this right now if I wanted. Then it will be gone.. for now. It could come back, and then the bacteria will be that much more resistant to antibiotics. My doctor wants me to call my OBGYN to see what they want to do (which I will do in the morning since they are closed for the day). Her opinion is to just let it be and they'll treat it whenever a baby is actually exiting through my vagina again. Not her words.

There really aren't any health risks in it for me, other than maybe a UTI or a uterus infection (that sounds pleasant), but if I do get pregnant again I could pass this loveliness onto my newborn (even if I'm treated during delivery), and there's a 5% chance that newborn could die if it gets infected.

5%? Psh. That's nothing, right?

Nothing.. considering I only had a 1% chance of miscarrying after reaching 16 weeks, and look what happened.

So, IF I get pregnant again, IF I don't get any stupid diseases, IF I don't miscarry due to genetics or whatever else and IF I actually make it to full term, I now have THIS to worry about.

Thank you, body. Let's keep everything else in line, ok?

semi truck

Before I got pregnant with Aidan, I played coed indoor soccer with a nice group of people. I had been playing soccer for years - since 4th grade actually - but I stopped playing my senior year of high school (due to some stupid coach politics). I picked it up again in college when a friend needed another girl on his indoor team, and I played with that group for years. Team members came and went and we didn't always have a great season, but for the most part we had a great time.

One of my teammates, A, was a fantastic soccer player. He was so fast and had great ball handling skills (that's not meant to be perverted!) and was just a nice guy in general. Sometimes his girlfriend, K, would come to watch the games. She never played, but every now and then she would bring their dog (a pit bull?) to the game too. I didn't know them very well, but I never really tried to get to know them. Anyway, I did know that A worked for a courier company called Reliable something. I think they're based out of Ohio, where A lives, and I was always impressed that he drove all the way up here just for a soccer game.

A few seasons ago our team kind of disbanded. People were doing other things in their lives which just weren't compatible with playing on our team (several of them played on more than one team). Also, after someone stepped down from being the team manager, no one else wanted to step up, including me. I was a little sad that our team broke up, but it also meant I had more free time and didn't have to play any more 11pm games. We were also going to start trying for a baby soon so I figured the timing had just worked out well.

Time passed. A and his girlfriend K got engaged and soon married. I got pregnant with Aidan, and shortly thereafter K got pregnant too. (I only know this from word of mouth/slight facebook stalking - I'm friends with A but not K on fb (er.. should I say was, since I canceled my account?))

Then my body decided it hated me, got an infection, made my waters break too early, and Aidan died as a result. This blog got started, and everything else that's happened since that day is now up here.

Except for this morning.

This morning, while driving to work, I passed by a big semi truck with the words "Reliable Courier & Delivery" written on the side. I'm not sure if this is the company A worked for, but how many other "Reliable" delivery companies do you know of? My train of thought went kind of like this..

::acknowledge the word Reliable on truck::
::i know someone who works for a company with that name::
::A::
::A is married to K::
::K is pregnant::
::K got pregnant after i got pregnant::
::as far as i know, K is still pregnant::
::i am not still pregnant::
::i had my son, way too early, and he died::
::Aidan::
::insert hundreds of thoughts similar to the ones you've read on this blog::
::sadness::
::::
::hours later, posts like the previous one will emerge::
::more sadness::
::::

And that's how a semi truck can make me cry.

them

I think about them a lot. I don't want to, but I do. Sometimes my mind just wanders or I'll see or read something that makes me think of them, and then I'm sad.

I get this butterflies in my stomach type of feeling. Like I'm anxious. Yeah. I get anxiety just thinking about people who I don't talk to or haven't spoken to in a while.

S who had her son in February (or was it march?)

J#1 who had her baby girl in April (or May?)

J#2 who had her third son in April (or May?)

C who had a baby boy sometime throughout all of this

L's wife whom I've never met had her child in April

T who had the unplanned baby boy in May.

J#3 who had her baby girl at the end of May

F who is due at the end of August

L who is due late summer

K who is also due late summer or maybe in the fall

V who is due in October (I think)

Who knows who else is out there. Who knows who else I missed.

I think of all of them. I am not one of them. They have what I don't. They have what I lost.

It hurts.

progress?

I survived yet another event surrounded by people.

Keith's birthday went quite well. We had an unexpected but quite welcome number of friends show up. Our evening started off at a brewery in Plymouth, then we made our way next door for some food and (more) drinks and finally we ended up at an Irish pub for (even more) drinks. We met new people, saw friends we haven't seen in forever, and coincidentally met up with other friends who were in town from New York. Keith got to wear his new kilt (yup, you read that right..www.utilikilts.com) and he had a really good time.

I, surprisingly, had a decent time. I wasn't overwhelmed by all of the people, I talked to Jenn (gasp!) and.. drumroll please...

I didn't cry!

That, actually, is quite the accomplishment for me, because the past several times I've gone out, I've cried. Restaurants, bars, movie theaters, people's homes, you name it. So. High five to me.

Will I be spending more time hanging out with people? Hmm. Probably not. I'll see some folks this Saturday and I'll see pretty much the same folks two Saturdays after that (craft circle, anyone?) and, well, that's about it. Keith and I have our respective alumni picnics coming up at the end of the month. too. I suppose we should go to those. Oh. sigh. That made me think of who would potentially be there and that makes me sad. ugh. great.

i was doing so well. good night.

a birthday

Today is July 2.

Today is my husband's 33rd birthday.

We are celebrating today. Heck, we're celebrating all weekend. Dinner out last night, dinner and drinks tonight, 4th of July bbq tomorrow (with presents) and who knows on Monday (the real 4th of July).

I have very much been caught up in my own thoughts and feelings lately. I have not put a lot of thought towards Keith's birthday and I feel bad about it. I mean, I bought him presents, but he pretty much planned our evening out, as I am not on fb anymore and therefore don't have an easy way to invite people to events. We should have a good time, though. Or, he should have a good time at least. I'll make sure he has a good time. I am.. nervous, though. As usual.

This is just another event where I am forced to see people. I've been quite content with my not-seeing-people this past week. It's been nice, except for when I had to venture out in the world, because every where I go there is a pregnant person or a brand new baby, constantly reminding me that I am not pregnant anymore and Aidan is dead.

I know that being a hermit is probably not the best thing to do, but it's what makes me comfortable right now. I just want to shelter myself from all of the happiness that others are experiencing, I guess.

Seeing Jenn will be hard. And Nick. I'm sorry we haven't seen Hangover 2 yet. I just.. well.. I don't want to see you two because it hurts so much.. it hurts so much just thinking about.. everything. i'm sorry.

So... Keith's birthday. #33. Like Kris Draper. It's a good number, one that I am very fond of (are you out there, Sandi?). I hope it's a lucky number for us. A lucky year, perhaps. Maybe a year in which we'll get pregnant again, and perhaps have a live child.

I want to thank you, dear husband, for holding me when I cry, for listening to me when I'm sad, for trying to bring me up when I'm down, which is so so so very hard. thank you for cooking me dinner and landscaping our yards and feeding the cats. for driving me places and buying the groceries and making my life so much better.

happy birthday, dear husband. I love you more than you know.

EOB

Today's shout out goes to my insurance company for making me cry for about an hour straight.

I received my explanation of benefits letter in the mail the other day. I am not 100% sure as to how much it cost for my "procedure" at the hospital, but I know that $619 of that was left over, and, as I now know, my insurance is covering all of that. I guess we're getting out of this whole thing for free. Woo?

Now, that's definitely not something that would make me cry for an hour, no. You see, on the EOB it states a bunch of things, like insurance information and when I was at the hospital and what "procedure" I had at the hospital. The EOB looked ok for the most part, except for this one section. In giant, black, bold letters next to the word "Procedure," it said "ABORTION."

Well that's exactly what I wanted to see on a Thursday morning, right before work.

WTF!?

"MY SON DIED!" I cried to myself. "I did not have an abortion! He was alive! And then he died! And then I delivered him!"

How could they say that I had an abortion? I mean, yes, they shoved some pills up my hoo-ha to make the contractions occur more frequently, but Aidan was already dead! He died naturally!

I was already late for work, but I knew I could not get through the day without some answers. So logically, while uncontrollably sobbing, I called up my insurance company and asked them wtf.

The girl who answered was nice. I explained to her that I had had a miscarriage in February and the EOB claims I had an abortion. "Oh," she replied, "I'm so sorry. A friend of mine had a couple miscarriages so I know how you feel."

Um, no you don't, bitch.

I didn't actually say that to her, but it went through my mind.

She eventually explained that I had a "spontaneous abortion," which is just another term for miscarriage, and that's just what they write on the EOB. It's not meant to say that I had an abortion procedure, but that I suffered a spontaneous abortion.

Well that's great to know. I'm super glad they word it that way on the insurance forms so women around the US can get all worked up just like I did. At least the girl on the phone was somewhat compassionate, more so than Dr. Moses, at least.

I think I said thank you to her, although it was hard for me to speak because I was sobbing so much. I hung up, and eventually made it into work.

I had to lock myself away from my coworkers for a few hours, so I hid in my office with the door shut while I continued to cry. Eventually I got over it and was even able to talk with some people later in the day. Wow. That says a lot.. doesn't it? The fact that I got up enough courage to talk to someone I know face-to-face. Oh boy... Am I in for it tomorrow or what? More on that later...

fluctuations

And I'm back to having hypothyroidism. Thanks, doc.

I haven't spoken to her (my doctor) yet, but maybe she'll put me back on the dose I was on before. That would be convenient as I have pills left over from last time.

What an exciting update. That's about all I have for today. Oh.. I was *this* close to biting off a customer's head earlier. I instead told my colleagues that I will not be helping or working with said customer ever again, as this is not the first incidence of the stupidness that the customer brought upon me. Maybe that was immature, but I really don't need the added stress in my life right now.

The End.

phone call

I'd like to give a shout-out to my OBGYN for *not* telling all of their people that I had a miscarriage.

I just had a lovely minute-long call with a lady who wanted me to come in and sign some consent forms for when I deliver my non-existant baby.

I bluntly told her that I had a miscarriage in February.

She was speechless for a few seconds then apologized and said I hadn't been taken off the list. She apologized a second time and hung up.

Yup.

That's my life.


Reminder after reminder.

outcast

I have two main sets of friends: high school friends and college friends.

My high school friends are at various stages of life.. some are still in college, some have houses, and some are married. None of them have children yet and none of them are planning on having kids any time soon (that I know of, at least...are you???).

My college friends are pretty much all married, living in houses, and almost all of the married couples have children.

Keith and I live in a house. We're married. We tried to have a kid but my body just wouldn't have it.

Where do we fit in?

When I'm with my high school friends and they talk about having children in 3 years or that they don't want to have kids at all because they're so annoying (honest, that was said to my face), what do I say back? Yeah, kids are super annoying because they up and die on you. Or Yeah, maybe if I get over this whole my-kid-is-dead thing I'll join the bandwagon and have another in 5 years.

When I'm with my college friends it's all kids all the time. Everyone has a kid and I get to see and hear all about it. I'd probably do the same thing if Aidan were alive, but he's not. So instead I get to wallow in my misery while they share 5,000 pictures of their newborn. What could I possibly add to a conversation with them? B.S., smalltalk, sadness about Aidan, and the "someday" when I might have a live child of my own?

I don't feel like I fit in with either group right now. I honestly don't care about spending time with either group (although I try, because I'm supposed to, I guess) because I don't feel like I belong. I'm not one of them. I feel like an outcast.

So, fittingly, I have left facebook. Yeah, like that's a huge deal to you, but it is to me. Facebook was my link to everyone - photos, everyday happenings, events. I have no contact with those people now unless they want to e-mail me, text or call (because you all know that I won't). I felt bad hiding everyone so instead I deactivated my account...which I think is a good compromise (and I can still come back if i want). You won't have to see any sad, depressing posts from me and I won't have to see any happy (or mundane) posts of yours.

I'll come back when I no longer feel like an outsider.

4 months

Time seems to be going by so quickly, yet so slowly.

Another month has passed. Another month without Aidan.

After my last post you all encouraged me to write and express how I'm feeling.

It's hard.

There are random times throughout the day when my feelings will build up and all I want to do is get them out, either by writing or talking or crying. Lately those moments have been so inopportune.. in the middle of an airport or while out to dinner. I can't just pull out my laptop and start writing. I can't just launch into a full-blown conversation about why life sucks so much right now. I'll end up bawling and sobbing and hundreds of people will be staring at me. I have to be alone when I write or at least in a separate room from everyone else. I need to be able to focus my thoughts and not be distracted by.. well.. life.

By the time I finally am alone those immense feelings have subsided. I feel better and don't want to bring myself back to that sad point from earlier. I just want to bask in the numbness for a while.

Then the feelings come back, and hopefully I'm alone this time so I can write it all down.

This month has been exceptionally hard. I'm back to the point where I don't want to see anyone. Those of you who have seen me are quite lucky. It's easier to see some people than others. It's amazing how I can hang out with one group of people but just thinking about someone breaks me down.

I've been writing posts in my head and a few of them have been written on here, just not shared (there is an option for that, Christina). Maybe I'll share some this week since I'm not traveling for a change.

For now, happy four month birthday, Aidan. I miss you and love you.

lately

I haven't been posting much on here lately, as you've probably noticed. There are a few reasons for this..
1) I've been traveling and am busy and when I do have free time I try to spend it with my husband
2) A certain somebody reads this blog and I don't want to make her feel like shit just because I feel like shit

So, if I come up with something more generic to be sad about and post about, you'll be sure to see it up here.

One awesome tidbit from today: A lady asked me after training today if I could make our break at 2pm instead of later, that way she could go pump her breast milk at her regularly scheduled time and not miss as much of the class. Thanks. Like I need that rubbed in my face.

happy father's day

Happy father's day to my wonderful husband and all of the other fathers out there, babylost or not.

it still hurts

stab. stab. stab.

twist. twist. twist.

i wish i were made of kevlar.

recap

Did May actually happen? We're a week into June already and I feel like I was barely around for May. Luckily I take pictures of things so I can remember what happened...

First off: at the end of April our basement had to be waterproofed..

Holes were dug in the basement..

..and our backyard.

This was finished in early May, and now my basement is full of dust that I have not cleaned up yet.


In the middle of the waterproofing, B.S. day happened..

I didn't make these but they were tasty

I did make this, and somehow finished it in a week. I told you I am all about crocheting now.

Keith got me something special for Mother's Day..

It is this beautiful oval sapphire ring with a bunch of little diamonds 

and pretty scrollwork on the sides (if you couldn't get all that from the pictures)

My flowers bloomed..

I went to New York for work..

And then Keith and I went to Amsterdam (also for work)..

Then this happened...

That would be me, smiling, and holding a baby.

Obviously that is not my baby because mine is dead (and a boy). That baby is a girl, and just so happens to be Jenn's brand new beautiful daughter, Scarlett.  Was that day hard for me? Um, hell yes. You know it's been a rough day when you find yourself in the middle of Costco trying so hard to hold back the tears that you don't even take the free samples.  Amazingly I did not cry when I was visiting Jenn. The tears magically disappeared about one second before I walked through her hospital room door.  I'm quite impressed by myself for that, I suppose. I wasn't willing them to go away or anything - I was full on expecting to be sobbing the entire time - but that didn't happen.   I even managed to make a second trip to the hospital without crying. Craziness.   I guess I had to do what I had to do.  Am I all happy and better now? No. Did you read Friday's post?  

Coincidentally, I was able to bring my son home the day after Jenn brought her daughter home..

See that shadow in the bottom left of the tub? That woud be Aidan.

Apparently this is standard fare for containers they ship dead children home in. Doesn't it look like one of those tubs with nightcrawlers in it that you buy at the bait shop? It was actually shipped in a bigger plastic box, and the whole thing is now residing on our end table in the living room.  Keith and I have pretty much figured out what to do for a more permanent home for Aidan. More details on that later.

This brings me to this past weekend...

me, paddleboating

I begrudgingly went up north with some friends and ended up having a decent time, for the most part. I laughed till I cried then almost cried myself to sleep. One thing I discovered this weekend is that I have a 24 hour limit on fake happiness. 

Ugh. Thank goodness all of that is out of my system now. What a May. Now I can get back to my feelings.