8 months

I don't even know what to say. I feel like this past month has gone by so fast.

I have lots I could write about... except it's the same old stuff.

Almost having an anxiety attack in a restaurant when you *think* your friend might be pregnant is probably not a good thing.

"It happened for a reason."  Also not a good thing.

Lots of waiting is going on here. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to get my period...Well, I guess that's it. Just two things I wait for each month. Although I get overconfident that "this is the month!" so it's more like waiting to miss my period. But that just won't happen...

It's almost been a year since we first tried for Aidan. I should have an almost 3-month old by now. I don't even know what they do at 3 months. But I bet it would be adorable. Spit up and stuff, I guess.

I've been trying to get myself out of this fiery tunnel of grief. It's a long and lonesome tunnel. And yes, I did say it was on fire. The smoke billows up but there's nowhere for it to escape so I'm stuck breathing it in, coughing, slowing down, gasping for air. Every now and then I find a pocket of fresh air.. and maybe I stay there too long trying to breathe it all in, trying to enjoy those moments of distraction from the pain and burning around me. I lap it up. But all too soon it's gone, and I have to keep moving forward if I ever want to get out. I see the light at the end, but it seems so far away. The air pockets are appearing more frequently, but perhaps I'm also breathing more slowly.. savoring whatever I can get.. yet prolonging my time in the tunnel. But the air, when I can find it, is so sweet.

Ah, well.

Thank you, dear facebook friend, for the analogy. The fire reference still makes me laugh :)

Aidan...

you know the deal. Eight months gone is much too long. I imagine every day as if you were here.
i miss you.
i love you.