I am a magnet for pregnant women. No matter where I go they just show up and strut around, waving their giant bellies in my face. They must be attracted to my lack-of-baby scent.
Yesterday Keith and I went to Macaroni Grill for dinner. I got there first (we were coming from different places) and the host seated me at a table. Glancing around, I noticed I was surrounded by 4 young boys, happily munching on food and their parents looking oh-so cheerful. Not wanting to torture myself, I asked if I could move to another table. No problem. I could see the kids from the new table but I couldn't hear them anymore and there were plenty of other things to distract me. Keith showed up a few minutes later and we ordered some food (and wine!).
While waiting for our meals I looked around at the other restaurant patrons and mentally commented on them as I normally do. She has nice hair! He has a weird nose! What? You all do that too, don't lie. One couple was sitting a few tables away from us and the guy had on a shirt almost exactly the same as Keith's (gray and blue striped pullover with a half zipper), but luckily the girl did not have on the same shirt as I did. If she did, we would have to kill them, according to Keith, as we must immediately destroy our evil doppelgangers if we happen upon them.
Anyway, our food finally came and we began eating. Penne rustica for me (not as appetizing as usual..) and mushroom ravioli for Keith. A woman at the table next to us suddenly stood up. Blond, black sweater, a little larger. She turned to head towards the bathroom and BAM! There it was. Belly. Giant, huge, monstrous, pregnant, baby-filled belly.
Seriously? Does that have to be shoved in my face right now? I'm trying to enjoy my lackluster dinner.
I didn't get as emotional as I thought I would, but I was definitely sad, upset, angry. Yes, angry at you, you happy pregnant lady you. How dare you carry a baby that long and how dare you show it off in front of me. I have enough reminders that Aidan is dead, you don't need to add to it.
We finished our dinners (well, I took most of mine to-go), she-that-will-not-be-named came back from the bathroom (you have to walk in front of me twice!? Come on, now) and we headed home.
I really don't believe that I'm only noticing these women now, because of what happened. I look at people all the time. I notice them. Before Aidan I only saw a pregnant woman occasionally. Now it's every time I go out. I went to the gym with Liz on Tuesday and saw a pregnant woman shaking her butt on an elliptical in front of me (well, a few machines over, but I saw her nonetheless). I swear she was pregnant, Liz. She had that round, protruding belly that every pregnant woman has.
Maybe subconsciously I'm looking for them, seeking them out. Maybe my brain likes to torture me and just has to point out the fact that I don't have a living baby anymore. Or maybe those pregnant ladies just like my smell.
Either way, it still hurts.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
more crochet
Well, I sure have had an interesting couple of days. I am all over the place with this post so bear with me.
Let's go back to Saturday, Aidan's one month birthday. Or deathday. Or angelday. Whatever you'd like to call it. I learned how to crochet that day, with great thanks to Andrea H. That day I also realized that I am slipping into depression. Or perhaps I'm already depressed. Or maybe my hormones are playing an awfully mean trick on me.
All I have wanted to do since Saturday is sit on my couch and crochet. I don't care about seeing friends or going out to a movie or for drinks. I have quite possibly given up on life and the only prescription is more crochet.
Hopefully you found the above funny (more cowbell, anyone??), as humor is the only way I am getting through each day, but sadly I'm being quite serious.
Keith and I picked up some things at Bed Bath and Beyond (because we had time) and did some grocery shopping after our crochet circle on Saturday (Keith crochets with metal and pliers). I had a good time at the crochet circle but it's like a switch went off in my head afterward that said "You will be depressed now." Instantly I lost interest in everything. I was dragging my feet everywhere. Scuffling as I walked. Shoulders slumped. Wtf. I was surprised by this sudden change but, strangely, it almost felt good. I didn't have to be happy. Sadness was completely taking over and it was ok. That evening we switched out all of the blinds in our house. I know, I know. My Saturday evenings get pretty wild. It was a little nice to have the monotony of shortening all of the blinds (Keith hung, I shortened) but the sadness was still there. I stayed up late that night, reading blogs of other women who have miscarried.
On Sunday I got together with Jenn and Liz for scrapbooking. I almost canceled. Maybe I should have. We had a decent time and I got a few pages done, but... There's always a but. You might not want to read this Jenn, so skip to the next paragraph. Jenn.. looking at you makes me so sad. Your baby girl is growing so perfectly inside you and you are doing so well. Aidan was perfect too. If my own body hadn't given out on me he would still be here, growing and kicking and making me so uncomfortable that I'd wish he were out but I'd give anything for that. Anything to feel him kick again. Anything to see an ultrasound where he wasn't struggling to survive. I wish I could say this in person but I can't. So I told the world instead.
It's so easy to hide behind my computer. A perfect digital wall separating me and you. You, the world.
Monday was just horrendous. I didn't go to bed till late on Sunday, as I was busy crocheting, so I woke up late and decided to work from home. Yes, my job is awesome, I believe I've said that before. I don't know what happened but all I did was cry that morning. Just little cries here and there, but a lot more compared to the previous few days. And then the doctor called with the lab results from Aidan. My perfect boy. That really threw me off. I. Was. Bawling. Sobbing. Hyperventilating. Wow. I told my supervisor person that I just couldn't work anymore that day, and she said that was ok. Yes, awesome. So I continued to bawl on my couch with the Food Network running in the background, and through teary eyes I crocheted.
It's strangely calming, relaxing. Weaving the needle in and out, making intricate, colorful designs. Repetitive and mind-numbing. Rewarding. That is one thing I really enjoy with crocheting: I instantly see the results of my effort (one stitch down, 87 to go!) and the progress I make over a few hours is astounding. To me, at least.
I crocheted for most of the day and evening. I even ventured out of the house to help Dr. Klutke with his Mac. On the way home I stopped at Michael's to pick up some things. In the checkout line a teenage girl was standing in front of me: Earbud in one ear, texting on her phone, a lollipop in her mouth. Suddenly she turns to the woman she's standing with (her mother? older friend? aunt?) and blurts out "In four days we get to find out the sex of the baby! I'm so excited I can't wait!" Ok, where's the gun? Somebody shoot me. I don't know if it was her baby, but after listening to the rest of their conversation (gun? anyone?) it sounded like it might be a friend of hers or a sister. Still. Can I please get away from the baby stuff for an hour? I was so tempted to turn her around and say something mean, something that would make her think about talking about babies and pregnancy in public. I don't know what.. I am not that creative or spontaneous... but it would have been along the lines of "Good luck. I hope the baby survives. Mine only made it to 17 weeks."
I drove home after that, crocheted a little and went to bed. By "went to bed," I mean I laid in bed for 4 hours crying and watching tv. Eventually I turned off the tv, hoping sleep would kick in, but no luck. The crying persisted, as did all of my glorious depressing thoughts. I'm not sure if I want to say them here. You might want to send me to a counselor or a psychologist if I did. Maybe some other time. But trust me, they were not pleasant.
Sleep came around 5am, after I grabbed a book to read (The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest - love this series). I woke up at 10 and again worked from home. I feel better today.. like my mind is clearer and not shrouded by sadness. Well, not as much sadness as before. As I write this I of course get sadder by the minute, but I still feel better. Even with only 4 hours of sleep I am going to attempt to go to the gym tonight with Liz and apparently Kent. I haven't exercised in a long time, and I know exercise helps with your endorphin levels, so hopefully it makes me feel better.
I had some other thoughts last night that are related to the depressing ones. I feel like I just need to get away from pregnancy and babies for a little while. I am going to pick and choose what events I go to based on the number of pregnant women/babies attending (if discernable). I am going to stop looking at facebook. Honestly, every time I've looked at my newsfeed over the past few weeks someone new is pregnant or posting pictures of their brand new baby. Others are posting pictures of their healthy toddlers and children, or posting status updates about how wonderful they are doing. I just can't take seeing that right now. It hurts so much. So much. I can't explain. You'd know it if you lost a child. I apologize if I'm hurting anyones feelings, as I know I am, but I need to think of myself for once. It might not be the best choice but I'd really like to be sheltered from all things baby/pregnancy for a while. I'll come back some day. Until then, you can read this blog for updates. I might even post pictures here, perhaps of my wondrous crochet adventures.
Let's go back to Saturday, Aidan's one month birthday. Or deathday. Or angelday. Whatever you'd like to call it. I learned how to crochet that day, with great thanks to Andrea H. That day I also realized that I am slipping into depression. Or perhaps I'm already depressed. Or maybe my hormones are playing an awfully mean trick on me.
All I have wanted to do since Saturday is sit on my couch and crochet. I don't care about seeing friends or going out to a movie or for drinks. I have quite possibly given up on life and the only prescription is more crochet.
Hopefully you found the above funny (more cowbell, anyone??), as humor is the only way I am getting through each day, but sadly I'm being quite serious.
Keith and I picked up some things at Bed Bath and Beyond (because we had time) and did some grocery shopping after our crochet circle on Saturday (Keith crochets with metal and pliers). I had a good time at the crochet circle but it's like a switch went off in my head afterward that said "You will be depressed now." Instantly I lost interest in everything. I was dragging my feet everywhere. Scuffling as I walked. Shoulders slumped. Wtf. I was surprised by this sudden change but, strangely, it almost felt good. I didn't have to be happy. Sadness was completely taking over and it was ok. That evening we switched out all of the blinds in our house. I know, I know. My Saturday evenings get pretty wild. It was a little nice to have the monotony of shortening all of the blinds (Keith hung, I shortened) but the sadness was still there. I stayed up late that night, reading blogs of other women who have miscarried.
On Sunday I got together with Jenn and Liz for scrapbooking. I almost canceled. Maybe I should have. We had a decent time and I got a few pages done, but... There's always a but. You might not want to read this Jenn, so skip to the next paragraph. Jenn.. looking at you makes me so sad. Your baby girl is growing so perfectly inside you and you are doing so well. Aidan was perfect too. If my own body hadn't given out on me he would still be here, growing and kicking and making me so uncomfortable that I'd wish he were out but I'd give anything for that. Anything to feel him kick again. Anything to see an ultrasound where he wasn't struggling to survive. I wish I could say this in person but I can't. So I told the world instead.
It's so easy to hide behind my computer. A perfect digital wall separating me and you. You, the world.
Monday was just horrendous. I didn't go to bed till late on Sunday, as I was busy crocheting, so I woke up late and decided to work from home. Yes, my job is awesome, I believe I've said that before. I don't know what happened but all I did was cry that morning. Just little cries here and there, but a lot more compared to the previous few days. And then the doctor called with the lab results from Aidan. My perfect boy. That really threw me off. I. Was. Bawling. Sobbing. Hyperventilating. Wow. I told my supervisor person that I just couldn't work anymore that day, and she said that was ok. Yes, awesome. So I continued to bawl on my couch with the Food Network running in the background, and through teary eyes I crocheted.
It's strangely calming, relaxing. Weaving the needle in and out, making intricate, colorful designs. Repetitive and mind-numbing. Rewarding. That is one thing I really enjoy with crocheting: I instantly see the results of my effort (one stitch down, 87 to go!) and the progress I make over a few hours is astounding. To me, at least.
I crocheted for most of the day and evening. I even ventured out of the house to help Dr. Klutke with his Mac. On the way home I stopped at Michael's to pick up some things. In the checkout line a teenage girl was standing in front of me: Earbud in one ear, texting on her phone, a lollipop in her mouth. Suddenly she turns to the woman she's standing with (her mother? older friend? aunt?) and blurts out "In four days we get to find out the sex of the baby! I'm so excited I can't wait!" Ok, where's the gun? Somebody shoot me. I don't know if it was her baby, but after listening to the rest of their conversation (gun? anyone?) it sounded like it might be a friend of hers or a sister. Still. Can I please get away from the baby stuff for an hour? I was so tempted to turn her around and say something mean, something that would make her think about talking about babies and pregnancy in public. I don't know what.. I am not that creative or spontaneous... but it would have been along the lines of "Good luck. I hope the baby survives. Mine only made it to 17 weeks."
I drove home after that, crocheted a little and went to bed. By "went to bed," I mean I laid in bed for 4 hours crying and watching tv. Eventually I turned off the tv, hoping sleep would kick in, but no luck. The crying persisted, as did all of my glorious depressing thoughts. I'm not sure if I want to say them here. You might want to send me to a counselor or a psychologist if I did. Maybe some other time. But trust me, they were not pleasant.
Sleep came around 5am, after I grabbed a book to read (The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest - love this series). I woke up at 10 and again worked from home. I feel better today.. like my mind is clearer and not shrouded by sadness. Well, not as much sadness as before. As I write this I of course get sadder by the minute, but I still feel better. Even with only 4 hours of sleep I am going to attempt to go to the gym tonight with Liz and apparently Kent. I haven't exercised in a long time, and I know exercise helps with your endorphin levels, so hopefully it makes me feel better.
I had some other thoughts last night that are related to the depressing ones. I feel like I just need to get away from pregnancy and babies for a little while. I am going to pick and choose what events I go to based on the number of pregnant women/babies attending (if discernable). I am going to stop looking at facebook. Honestly, every time I've looked at my newsfeed over the past few weeks someone new is pregnant or posting pictures of their brand new baby. Others are posting pictures of their healthy toddlers and children, or posting status updates about how wonderful they are doing. I just can't take seeing that right now. It hurts so much. So much. I can't explain. You'd know it if you lost a child. I apologize if I'm hurting anyones feelings, as I know I am, but I need to think of myself for once. It might not be the best choice but I'd really like to be sheltered from all things baby/pregnancy for a while. I'll come back some day. Until then, you can read this blog for updates. I might even post pictures here, perhaps of my wondrous crochet adventures.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
honest to goodness
My last post reminded me of the Healthy Choice commercials. This is my favorite out of the bunch.
nothing more than feelings
In Wednesday's post I used a combination of words to describe how I was feeling about certain events. I realize now that those words aren't even close to how I felt at the time and I'm amazed at myself for how often I use said words when I don't feel that way at all.
Happy. Super. Exciting.
I recall catching myself while I was writing the post. A few times I had written that I was happy and I realized that wasn't the case so I changed my wording. Some instances were left, however, because my mind thought that's how I should be feeling.
So, while under normal circumstances going to the Wings game would have been super exciting for me, I honestly was just "looking forward to it." No excitement; just mildly interested in what the night's events might hold.
Thinking about this tells me that I say a lot of things out of convenience. I tell coworkers that I'm doing ok with a half smile and a nod because it's easy and stops them from asking me questions or giving me advice. I say things are exciting mainly out of habit - I know I've been doing it for years, even if I'm not truly excited about said thing. We all do this, though, right? You're not going to spill your guts to some random person on the street who asks you what's up or tell your grandma how much you hate that sweater she knitted for you for Christmas (do grandmas really do this? Mine hasn't knitted anything for me since I was a baby). Even yesterday when Keith and I were checking out at Michael's, the cashier asked me how I was and I replied with an automatic "good" (not my normal "ok") then did a double-take on myself. Two "goods" in three days, but hey, it was convenient.
Really, these are just little white lies covering up our true feelings. White lies are ok...usually. If I don't feel like discussing my feelings with someone then I'll either say so or I will lie. Wouldn't you do the same? Even if you wanted to be truthful isn't it just so much easier to say you're "good" or "ok" instead of "Actually, person I just met today, I cried the entire morning because I couldn't stop thinking about my dead baby and now I'm forced to deal with you all day and teach you things about our software in a professional manner. That means without taking breaks every 5 minutes so I can be sad in the bathroom. How are you?" Much easier. That very well could have been what went down Monday morning, but I chose the easy route.
As it turns out, I did have a good time at the Wings game despite the loss, which I was expecting (we played the Canucks, who are beating us by 10 points in the Western Conference). Keith won a free pizza and we got to meet up with Mike and Lauren who were also at the game, unbeknownst to us. On the way home Keith and I discussed my fake feelings and how we could avoid being so fake in the future. We came up with some simple alternatives for "excited" that I am looking forward to using in future conversations (see how I did that?). I'll do my best to be truthful in most situations, where appropriate, or at least tell you that I don't want to discuss things. This will be hard, and expect some crying if I'm discussing my feelings, but I will try. Just don't be offended if you're throwing a party and I say "I am anticipating your upcoming event and hoping that it will result in a decent time."
Happy. Super. Exciting.
I recall catching myself while I was writing the post. A few times I had written that I was happy and I realized that wasn't the case so I changed my wording. Some instances were left, however, because my mind thought that's how I should be feeling.
So, while under normal circumstances going to the Wings game would have been super exciting for me, I honestly was just "looking forward to it." No excitement; just mildly interested in what the night's events might hold.
Thinking about this tells me that I say a lot of things out of convenience. I tell coworkers that I'm doing ok with a half smile and a nod because it's easy and stops them from asking me questions or giving me advice. I say things are exciting mainly out of habit - I know I've been doing it for years, even if I'm not truly excited about said thing. We all do this, though, right? You're not going to spill your guts to some random person on the street who asks you what's up or tell your grandma how much you hate that sweater she knitted for you for Christmas (do grandmas really do this? Mine hasn't knitted anything for me since I was a baby). Even yesterday when Keith and I were checking out at Michael's, the cashier asked me how I was and I replied with an automatic "good" (not my normal "ok") then did a double-take on myself. Two "goods" in three days, but hey, it was convenient.
Really, these are just little white lies covering up our true feelings. White lies are ok...usually. If I don't feel like discussing my feelings with someone then I'll either say so or I will lie. Wouldn't you do the same? Even if you wanted to be truthful isn't it just so much easier to say you're "good" or "ok" instead of "Actually, person I just met today, I cried the entire morning because I couldn't stop thinking about my dead baby and now I'm forced to deal with you all day and teach you things about our software in a professional manner. That means without taking breaks every 5 minutes so I can be sad in the bathroom. How are you?" Much easier. That very well could have been what went down Monday morning, but I chose the easy route.
As it turns out, I did have a good time at the Wings game despite the loss, which I was expecting (we played the Canucks, who are beating us by 10 points in the Western Conference). Keith won a free pizza and we got to meet up with Mike and Lauren who were also at the game, unbeknownst to us. On the way home Keith and I discussed my fake feelings and how we could avoid being so fake in the future. We came up with some simple alternatives for "excited" that I am looking forward to using in future conversations (see how I did that?). I'll do my best to be truthful in most situations, where appropriate, or at least tell you that I don't want to discuss things. This will be hard, and expect some crying if I'm discussing my feelings, but I will try. Just don't be offended if you're throwing a party and I say "I am anticipating your upcoming event and hoping that it will result in a decent time."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
it's the little things
In a bizarre twist, I have found a few things that make me happy lately, as in today.
1. I got the most amazing e-mail from Delta earlier today. They told me if I fly 6 segments (3 round-trips) by June 30, then I'll get Silver Medallion status. If I fly 12 segments (6 round-trip) then I'll get Gold status. This is fantastically amazing because I was only 4000 miles/6 segments away from getting Silver status last year, and that's after I flew somewhere at least once a month. I already have three trips planned in April (two for work, one for leisure) so I will make Silver status for sure at the end of April! Then, I know I'll travel somewhere in May and June, undoubtedly via plane and undoubtedly 3 times or more, so I'll for sure make Gold status by June!
2. Keith and I are going to the Red Wings game tonight. This is the first time I will be sitting in the lower bowl, so it's super exciting for me. We picked this game because it is only one day away from our 4 year anniversary of when Keith proposed to me, which just so happened to occur at a Wings game.
3. At the end of April I'll be traveling to Malibu for work. I've never been there before. Malibu is right on the ocean, and it will be warm, and I will be working with people who have no knowledge about anything that's happened to me over the past 5 months.
4. Girl Scout cookies. 'Nuff said.
1. I got the most amazing e-mail from Delta earlier today. They told me if I fly 6 segments (3 round-trips) by June 30, then I'll get Silver Medallion status. If I fly 12 segments (6 round-trip) then I'll get Gold status. This is fantastically amazing because I was only 4000 miles/6 segments away from getting Silver status last year, and that's after I flew somewhere at least once a month. I already have three trips planned in April (two for work, one for leisure) so I will make Silver status for sure at the end of April! Then, I know I'll travel somewhere in May and June, undoubtedly via plane and undoubtedly 3 times or more, so I'll for sure make Gold status by June!
2. Keith and I are going to the Red Wings game tonight. This is the first time I will be sitting in the lower bowl, so it's super exciting for me. We picked this game because it is only one day away from our 4 year anniversary of when Keith proposed to me, which just so happened to occur at a Wings game.
3. At the end of April I'll be traveling to Malibu for work. I've never been there before. Malibu is right on the ocean, and it will be warm, and I will be working with people who have no knowledge about anything that's happened to me over the past 5 months.
4. Girl Scout cookies. 'Nuff said.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
predicament
Yesterday and today I have been working on-site for a company in Plymouth. This is the same company I was at four weeks ago when everything happened (hold the phone.. did I just write FOUR weeks ago? ...more on that later.). I was really apprehensive about going back there. I didn't have to go back, but my company was going to fly someone up from Florida to go in my stead and I just thought that was stupid when I'm only 20 minutes away. They were the last people who saw me pregnant and knew that I was pregnant (ok, other than hospital workers..and my parents.. and Keith.. whatever). Everything was fine and dandy that Wednesday and then all of a sudden "I'm sick" or whatever my company told them, and my company had to scramble to find someone else to take over for me Thursday and Friday. I'm sure they all know or have assumed what happened. What were they going to say to me when I came back, four weeks later? Were they going to give me sad looks? Were they going to feel sorry for me?
I'm in a strange predicament here. At least in my mind. I want people to know what I've been through and how much it hurts and how awful I am doing. But I don't want you to look at me with those sad eyes and half smiles, testing the waters to see how I'm doing today. I feel that I'm stronger than that and that I should be doing better and I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I should be better than that. I shouldn't be such a failure when it comes to producing a baby and if you feel bad for me it means there really wasn't anything I could do. I almost wish it had been my fault because at least I could be mad at someone - myself - and I could prevent this from happening again.
When I first met with one of the managers yesterday, she asked me how I was. It wasn't one of those inquisitive questions though, it was just a "how are you?" that people say when they're really just saying hello. I put on a giant fake grin and said I was doing good. I haven't said I'm good to ANYONE since Aidan died. I've said "I'm ok" or "eh" or nodded my head and somehow avoided the question. How can I suddenly turn off all of my feelings and be fake for these people? I did this both days. I was happy, smiling, laughing, not a care in the world. I'm a good actress, I guess. But I feel so terrible for doing this to Aidan. I can't just put him out of my mind like that. If I stop thinking about him does that mean I'm forgetting him?
And boy am I paying the price for these past two days. I attempted to go to beer club tonight and lasted a whole ten minutes. It doesn't help that I started writing this post beforehand, but lucky you, I'm back, bawling my eyes out.
I'm in a strange predicament here. At least in my mind. I want people to know what I've been through and how much it hurts and how awful I am doing. But I don't want you to look at me with those sad eyes and half smiles, testing the waters to see how I'm doing today. I feel that I'm stronger than that and that I should be doing better and I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I should be better than that. I shouldn't be such a failure when it comes to producing a baby and if you feel bad for me it means there really wasn't anything I could do. I almost wish it had been my fault because at least I could be mad at someone - myself - and I could prevent this from happening again.
When I first met with one of the managers yesterday, she asked me how I was. It wasn't one of those inquisitive questions though, it was just a "how are you?" that people say when they're really just saying hello. I put on a giant fake grin and said I was doing good. I haven't said I'm good to ANYONE since Aidan died. I've said "I'm ok" or "eh" or nodded my head and somehow avoided the question. How can I suddenly turn off all of my feelings and be fake for these people? I did this both days. I was happy, smiling, laughing, not a care in the world. I'm a good actress, I guess. But I feel so terrible for doing this to Aidan. I can't just put him out of my mind like that. If I stop thinking about him does that mean I'm forgetting him?
And boy am I paying the price for these past two days. I attempted to go to beer club tonight and lasted a whole ten minutes. It doesn't help that I started writing this post beforehand, but lucky you, I'm back, bawling my eyes out.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Continued from page...
It was really frustrating writing yesterday's post, and I didn't say everything I had wanted to.
Just to finish up my story.. Dr. Moses didn't find the polyp so hopefully this time it's gone for good. I went out to celebrate St. Patty's day afterward, and while I had a good time during the day I broke down in the evening. Like I said in a previous post, if I have a good day then I'm bound to have a bad day.
I can also add to my ever-growing list yet another person I know who was pregnant. She just had her son today.. full term and healthy as far as I know. I'm happy for her, of course, just sad for myself.
Last item for today: I started spotting and cramping this morning. The spotting was heavier this morning and seems to have stopped, but who knows what tomorrow will be like. The cramping is very light, and although it's too early for my period to start (according to what I've been told and what I've read) it feels like it's starting. More happiness and sadness. Sad because the pregnancy would truly be over, happy because that means my cycle is starting and we're that much closer to being able to try again.
p.s. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has sent me e-mails, messages on facebook, etc. I read them, and I know I haven't responded..I just don't know what to say. Thanks for thinking of us.
Just to finish up my story.. Dr. Moses didn't find the polyp so hopefully this time it's gone for good. I went out to celebrate St. Patty's day afterward, and while I had a good time during the day I broke down in the evening. Like I said in a previous post, if I have a good day then I'm bound to have a bad day.
I can also add to my ever-growing list yet another person I know who was pregnant. She just had her son today.. full term and healthy as far as I know. I'm happy for her, of course, just sad for myself.
Last item for today: I started spotting and cramping this morning. The spotting was heavier this morning and seems to have stopped, but who knows what tomorrow will be like. The cramping is very light, and although it's too early for my period to start (according to what I've been told and what I've read) it feels like it's starting. More happiness and sadness. Sad because the pregnancy would truly be over, happy because that means my cycle is starting and we're that much closer to being able to try again.
p.s. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has sent me e-mails, messages on facebook, etc. I read them, and I know I haven't responded..I just don't know what to say. Thanks for thinking of us.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Halfway
Another week has passed. Thursday would have marked 20 weeks of pregnancy. When I first found out I was pregnant I counted through all the weeks and thought it was really neat that St. Patty's day was the halfway point. I find myself thinking a lot that "I should be pregnant right now," "I should be this many weeks," or "I should be feeling him kick right now." Instead of feeling those kicks, whenever I bend over and my back muscles stretch, I feel the spot where they inserted the epidural. It hurts, physically and emotionally. A constant reminder.
On Thursday I went back to the hospital to get a checkup. I was fine that day (well.. I didn't break down yet) until I got to the waiting room. Oh. My. God. I walked in and saw baby pictures plastered over every wall and pregnant women in every seat. I sat as far away from them as possible, then a girl and her parents came in and sat across from me. They kept commenting about the pictures and then they were talking about her (she's having twins) and her friends who are all pregnant. I had to move away from them because I couldn't stop myself from crying. So now I'm sitting in the corner playing sudoku on my phone, hiding behind my hair, sniffling like crazy (still not over my cold) and crying. They honestly need to make a separate waiting room for women who have miscarried.
Finally a nurse calls my name and I go in to one of the exam rooms. She asks me how I am. Seriously? Apparently I look more put together than I feel. I told her I could be better and eventually she realized what was going on (or she looked at my chart). She gave me some kleenex since I was still crying and I calmed down enough for her to take my blood pressure. She talked to me a little about things and then left so I could get undressed, and shortly later Dr. Moses came in. Fantastic.
In case you didn't read 72 Hours, Dr. Moses is very straightforward and very blunt. The nurse mentioned that I might see a different doctor that day, someone more motherly. I definitely needed someone motherly, but no luck. Dr. Moses said they got the pathology report back for the testing they did on my placenta. An infection is what caused my water to break and my son to eventually die. I had a really bad infection. "Severe acute chorioamnionitis" is what was written on the report. You can google that if you want, but it's basically an infection of the fetal membranes and amniotic fluid. The fact that the infection was so bad means that I had it for a while. Weeks..months.. who knows. The chorioamnionitis was caused by the bacterial vaginosis that Dr. Mullins discovered my first night at the ER. According to Dr. Moses (and some websites I've googled), even if we had found the infection earlier and even if we test and find I have the infection again, the best (or only?) thing to do is induce labor, then give me some antibiotics. So there's nothing we could have done to save Aidan. Having Dr. Moses tell me all of this was like getting punched repeatedly in the stomach. It actually feels worse now as I write it all down.
There are more details I could give, as Dr. Moses talked a lot about antibiotics and how bacteria become resistant, thus leading to his "there's nothing we could do" approach, but I'll leave it at that. I do wonder about other options, though. We had no way of catching this with Aidan, but we can at least test for this in the future. I don't have to go back to Dr. Moses - he's through the hospital and not my OBGYN - so perhaps the OBGYN will give me antibiotics during my pregnancy, just to prevent this from happening again. I've only read a little about this option so far, but other women have done it and they have healthy children. I guess we'll see what happens next time.
On Thursday I went back to the hospital to get a checkup. I was fine that day (well.. I didn't break down yet) until I got to the waiting room. Oh. My. God. I walked in and saw baby pictures plastered over every wall and pregnant women in every seat. I sat as far away from them as possible, then a girl and her parents came in and sat across from me. They kept commenting about the pictures and then they were talking about her (she's having twins) and her friends who are all pregnant. I had to move away from them because I couldn't stop myself from crying. So now I'm sitting in the corner playing sudoku on my phone, hiding behind my hair, sniffling like crazy (still not over my cold) and crying. They honestly need to make a separate waiting room for women who have miscarried.
Finally a nurse calls my name and I go in to one of the exam rooms. She asks me how I am. Seriously? Apparently I look more put together than I feel. I told her I could be better and eventually she realized what was going on (or she looked at my chart). She gave me some kleenex since I was still crying and I calmed down enough for her to take my blood pressure. She talked to me a little about things and then left so I could get undressed, and shortly later Dr. Moses came in. Fantastic.
In case you didn't read 72 Hours, Dr. Moses is very straightforward and very blunt. The nurse mentioned that I might see a different doctor that day, someone more motherly. I definitely needed someone motherly, but no luck. Dr. Moses said they got the pathology report back for the testing they did on my placenta. An infection is what caused my water to break and my son to eventually die. I had a really bad infection. "Severe acute chorioamnionitis" is what was written on the report. You can google that if you want, but it's basically an infection of the fetal membranes and amniotic fluid. The fact that the infection was so bad means that I had it for a while. Weeks..months.. who knows. The chorioamnionitis was caused by the bacterial vaginosis that Dr. Mullins discovered my first night at the ER. According to Dr. Moses (and some websites I've googled), even if we had found the infection earlier and even if we test and find I have the infection again, the best (or only?) thing to do is induce labor, then give me some antibiotics. So there's nothing we could have done to save Aidan. Having Dr. Moses tell me all of this was like getting punched repeatedly in the stomach. It actually feels worse now as I write it all down.
There are more details I could give, as Dr. Moses talked a lot about antibiotics and how bacteria become resistant, thus leading to his "there's nothing we could do" approach, but I'll leave it at that. I do wonder about other options, though. We had no way of catching this with Aidan, but we can at least test for this in the future. I don't have to go back to Dr. Moses - he's through the hospital and not my OBGYN - so perhaps the OBGYN will give me antibiotics during my pregnancy, just to prevent this from happening again. I've only read a little about this option so far, but other women have done it and they have healthy children. I guess we'll see what happens next time.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Hear You Me
Well, I only had one breakdown at work today. Just a few seconds before that I discovered another song that makes me cry: "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World. You should definitely listen to it if you've never heard it before. It's a beautiful song about two women who died in a car accident. Here's a youtube link with the song and lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pQo9OQlIB8
Work, otherwise, was ok today. I admittedly didn't do much, but I'll get back into the swing of things soon enough. I discussed with my boss (the president) and the COO my plans for the future - I'll start traveling again in April but if I get pregnant again then I'm stopping. I just don't want all of that stress in my life when I'm trying to grow a baby.
As stressful and annoying as my job can be, I do love it, mainly because of my boss. He is so caring and accommodating and as long as you're doing what you're supposed to be doing you can basically wear what you want, work when you want, and you get a bonus at the end of the year. He is also mindful of holidays and making sure we can spend time with our families, so he'll usually give us a an extra day off around a holiday - like the Friday before Memorial Day. Another nice thing about where I work is that we are pretty laid back and always have beer in the fridge. Keith likes to recall a day where we were having a mini emergency at work - my boss had to run to Costco because we were out of coffee and scotch. Ha! Anyway, since we have a great appreciation for all things alcoholic, my boss gives us time off on St. Patty's day - work till noon on the 17th then go back to work at noon the next day, that way we have time to celebrate, get over our hangovers, and still get some work done. I have a doctor's appointment that day at 10am, but perhaps I'll go hang out with my coworkers at the bar afterward.
Work, otherwise, was ok today. I admittedly didn't do much, but I'll get back into the swing of things soon enough. I discussed with my boss (the president) and the COO my plans for the future - I'll start traveling again in April but if I get pregnant again then I'm stopping. I just don't want all of that stress in my life when I'm trying to grow a baby.
As stressful and annoying as my job can be, I do love it, mainly because of my boss. He is so caring and accommodating and as long as you're doing what you're supposed to be doing you can basically wear what you want, work when you want, and you get a bonus at the end of the year. He is also mindful of holidays and making sure we can spend time with our families, so he'll usually give us a an extra day off around a holiday - like the Friday before Memorial Day. Another nice thing about where I work is that we are pretty laid back and always have beer in the fridge. Keith likes to recall a day where we were having a mini emergency at work - my boss had to run to Costco because we were out of coffee and scotch. Ha! Anyway, since we have a great appreciation for all things alcoholic, my boss gives us time off on St. Patty's day - work till noon on the 17th then go back to work at noon the next day, that way we have time to celebrate, get over our hangovers, and still get some work done. I have a doctor's appointment that day at 10am, but perhaps I'll go hang out with my coworkers at the bar afterward.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Thoughts
It's been a full two weeks since Aidan's birth-/death-day. What do you even call that day? He came into the world that day, but died before he was born.
Thursday would have marked my 19th week of pregnancy. Friday would have been the day we found out our child's gender. But Saturday marks his 2nd week of being gone.
I've been very emotional since my last post. It seems if I have a good/happy moment with friends or family, then undoubtedly I will have an equally opposite bad/sad moment, kind of like Newton's 3rd law of motion. For instance, yesterday I spent all day with friends, having a good time. Then I get home and cry until 3am.
One thing that's been on my mind is all of the women I know who are pregnant right now and not having any complications (that I know of, at least). Then I think about all of the women who have already had children with no problems. I know this is our first one, and that we're young and can still try again, but it honestly sucks. Life sucks. No, life isn't fair, but I can still complain about how much it sucks. Why us?
On Monday I'm going back to work. I'm nervous, because we are a small company and everyone there knows about what happened. Are they going to say anything to me? Are they going to be weird about it? I'm sure they're going to look at me and feel sorry. I wish I could just sneak in without anyone noticing and hide in my office but that's not entirely possible. Getting back into a work routine should be good for me, right?
Thursday would have marked my 19th week of pregnancy. Friday would have been the day we found out our child's gender. But Saturday marks his 2nd week of being gone.
I've been very emotional since my last post. It seems if I have a good/happy moment with friends or family, then undoubtedly I will have an equally opposite bad/sad moment, kind of like Newton's 3rd law of motion. For instance, yesterday I spent all day with friends, having a good time. Then I get home and cry until 3am.
One thing that's been on my mind is all of the women I know who are pregnant right now and not having any complications (that I know of, at least). Then I think about all of the women who have already had children with no problems. I know this is our first one, and that we're young and can still try again, but it honestly sucks. Life sucks. No, life isn't fair, but I can still complain about how much it sucks. Why us?
On Monday I'm going back to work. I'm nervous, because we are a small company and everyone there knows about what happened. Are they going to say anything to me? Are they going to be weird about it? I'm sure they're going to look at me and feel sorry. I wish I could just sneak in without anyone noticing and hide in my office but that's not entirely possible. Getting back into a work routine should be good for me, right?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Week two
I've been thinking about writing something these past few days, at least to update you or my future forgetful self with what has been going on. I enjoy lists, so here's one in no particular order describing the latest happenings.
1. I am emotional (but that's a given, right?). One minute I'll be laughing at a reality TV show and the next I'll be sobbing. It's strange how the littlest things can make me tear up - looking at a man's shoe or thinking about a beer brewing book. Honestly, if you show or tell me something and give me a few moments I guarantee I can turn it into something depressing that causes me to cry. The top things that make me cry or want to cry:
2. Only one day has passed where I haven't cried. That day would be Monday, March 7. Well... Ok, technically I did cry that day, but it wasn't over Aidan. I spent a good hour and a half laughing so hard at damnyouautocorrect.com that I definitely shed some tears. That website cracks me up.
3. My breasts became engorged. Ouch. Can you say rock hard and painful? Never have they felt so uncomfortable - not even while I was pregnant when they supposedly get tender. They have since gone down (thank you!) but I have to say that was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced.
4. Keith and I went to Frankenmuth. Keith had signed up a while ago to judge beers for the World Expo of Beer, so we decided to make a little weekend out of it. I was feeling good enough to go, so we went this past weekend. The trip was good and bad. Good because we got to play putt-putt, make pretzels, eat a good chicken dinner, get a mani/pedi (that was all me), and enjoy some beer. Bad because everywhere we went we saw families and children and infants. Especially at our hotel, the Bavarian Inn, which is family oriented. It was basically a constant reminder of what we lost. I did make my way to Bronners, the largest Christmas store in the world, and bought a few ornaments. I really wanted to get one for Aidan, so he could celebrate with us, and after wandering through the store for an hour I finally found the perfect ornament: a hand-blown glass bulb, made in the USA with ashes from Mount St. Helens, colored in these amazing red-orange hues that remind me of our little fire, which I then had personalized in silver with his name. I think I'll buy an ornament stand just so it can be on display year-round. I was totally crying the entire time I was in the store.
5. I saw some friends. Visiting with my friends has definitely helped me, at least while I am around them. I got to see Jenn, Lauren and Liz so far, and this weekend I will see a few more of my high school friends. I haven't cried around them yet, but that doesn't mean it won't happen.
6. Bleeding has stopped. I'm pretty sure all of the after-pregnancy bleeding has stopped, which means I should be on my way to starting a new cycle. If you read my '72 Hours' post, you might have noticed that I have access to 8 different doctors/OBGYNs. Overkill? Probably, but quite useful as well. Dr. Moses told us to wait 6 months before trying to conceive again. Six months!!?? Dr. Klutke, my retired OBGYN friend, said waiting 4 months would be ok. That's more reasonable... The wonderful world wide web says to wait at least one cycle. Yikes. Dr. Klutke said that it would actually be good for me if I could get pregnant sooner - it would help me heal emotionally - but after reading some things online I realize that it's better to wait to allow my body to heal physically and to let me get more emotionally prepared for another child.
7. I have a cold. Great. My body seems to have finished with the pregnancy and now I have to get sick. Hello orange juice and Nyquil.
Of course more things have happened, such as completing a scrapbook and watching endless hours of mind-numbing tv while lying in my pjs on the couch (I wonder what the mail lady thinks), but odd numbers are the best and 7 is supposedly lucky, so I'm stopping here.
1. I am emotional (but that's a given, right?). One minute I'll be laughing at a reality TV show and the next I'll be sobbing. It's strange how the littlest things can make me tear up - looking at a man's shoe or thinking about a beer brewing book. Honestly, if you show or tell me something and give me a few moments I guarantee I can turn it into something depressing that causes me to cry. The top things that make me cry or want to cry:
- Looking at my friend's pregnant belly. She was 10 weeks ahead of me and we were super excited to be pregnant together and raise our kids together.
- Watching anything even remotely emotional on tv: psychics giving readings, House, Teen Mom 2 (no, I don't purposefully watch this show, but it was on and got slightly interesting and then very sad)
- "So Far Away" by Staind
- Reading all of the lovely cards and looking at the flowers/plants we've received
- Not having anyone to sing to
- Not feeling his soft kicks
Alright. Cue the tears.
3. My breasts became engorged. Ouch. Can you say rock hard and painful? Never have they felt so uncomfortable - not even while I was pregnant when they supposedly get tender. They have since gone down (thank you!) but I have to say that was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced.
4. Keith and I went to Frankenmuth. Keith had signed up a while ago to judge beers for the World Expo of Beer, so we decided to make a little weekend out of it. I was feeling good enough to go, so we went this past weekend. The trip was good and bad. Good because we got to play putt-putt, make pretzels, eat a good chicken dinner, get a mani/pedi (that was all me), and enjoy some beer. Bad because everywhere we went we saw families and children and infants. Especially at our hotel, the Bavarian Inn, which is family oriented. It was basically a constant reminder of what we lost. I did make my way to Bronners, the largest Christmas store in the world, and bought a few ornaments. I really wanted to get one for Aidan, so he could celebrate with us, and after wandering through the store for an hour I finally found the perfect ornament: a hand-blown glass bulb, made in the USA with ashes from Mount St. Helens, colored in these amazing red-orange hues that remind me of our little fire, which I then had personalized in silver with his name. I think I'll buy an ornament stand just so it can be on display year-round. I was totally crying the entire time I was in the store.
5. I saw some friends. Visiting with my friends has definitely helped me, at least while I am around them. I got to see Jenn, Lauren and Liz so far, and this weekend I will see a few more of my high school friends. I haven't cried around them yet, but that doesn't mean it won't happen.
6. Bleeding has stopped. I'm pretty sure all of the after-pregnancy bleeding has stopped, which means I should be on my way to starting a new cycle. If you read my '72 Hours' post, you might have noticed that I have access to 8 different doctors/OBGYNs. Overkill? Probably, but quite useful as well. Dr. Moses told us to wait 6 months before trying to conceive again. Six months!!?? Dr. Klutke, my retired OBGYN friend, said waiting 4 months would be ok. That's more reasonable... The wonderful world wide web says to wait at least one cycle. Yikes. Dr. Klutke said that it would actually be good for me if I could get pregnant sooner - it would help me heal emotionally - but after reading some things online I realize that it's better to wait to allow my body to heal physically and to let me get more emotionally prepared for another child.
7. I have a cold. Great. My body seems to have finished with the pregnancy and now I have to get sick. Hello orange juice and Nyquil.
Of course more things have happened, such as completing a scrapbook and watching endless hours of mind-numbing tv while lying in my pjs on the couch (I wonder what the mail lady thinks), but odd numbers are the best and 7 is supposedly lucky, so I'm stopping here.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
First Post
I wanted to use this as a place to share my story of how we lost our son, Aidan. While he was only with us for 17 weeks and never got to breathe real air, he is still a part of our family and we miss him so, so much.
I do not claim to be a writer and I apologize for my terrible grammar. My story of the 72 hours we spent losing my son can be found on the '72 Hours' tab at the top of this blog. Just a warning: it is a very long story and a bit graphic.
It's been a week since the first incident happened, and my husband and I are doing our best to get through this ordeal. I can't say the story will give you encouragement, but if you have gone through anything like I have, please know that you are not alone.
I do not claim to be a writer and I apologize for my terrible grammar. My story of the 72 hours we spent losing my son can be found on the '72 Hours' tab at the top of this blog. Just a warning: it is a very long story and a bit graphic.
It's been a week since the first incident happened, and my husband and I are doing our best to get through this ordeal. I can't say the story will give you encouragement, but if you have gone through anything like I have, please know that you are not alone.
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