In Wednesday's post I used a combination of words to describe how I was feeling about certain events. I realize now that those words aren't even close to how I felt at the time and I'm amazed at myself for how often I use said words when I don't feel that way at all.
Happy. Super. Exciting.
I recall catching myself while I was writing the post. A few times I had written that I was happy and I realized that wasn't the case so I changed my wording. Some instances were left, however, because my mind thought that's how I should be feeling.
So, while under normal circumstances going to the Wings game would have been super exciting for me, I honestly was just "looking forward to it." No excitement; just mildly interested in what the night's events might hold.
Thinking about this tells me that I say a lot of things out of convenience. I tell coworkers that I'm doing ok with a half smile and a nod because it's easy and stops them from asking me questions or giving me advice. I say things are exciting mainly out of habit - I know I've been doing it for years, even if I'm not truly excited about said thing. We all do this, though, right? You're not going to spill your guts to some random person on the street who asks you what's up or tell your grandma how much you hate that sweater she knitted for you for Christmas (do grandmas really do this? Mine hasn't knitted anything for me since I was a baby). Even yesterday when Keith and I were checking out at Michael's, the cashier asked me how I was and I replied with an automatic "good" (not my normal "ok") then did a double-take on myself. Two "goods" in three days, but hey, it was convenient.
Really, these are just little white lies covering up our true feelings. White lies are ok...usually. If I don't feel like discussing my feelings with someone then I'll either say so or I will lie. Wouldn't you do the same? Even if you wanted to be truthful isn't it just so much easier to say you're "good" or "ok" instead of "Actually, person I just met today, I cried the entire morning because I couldn't stop thinking about my dead baby and now I'm forced to deal with you all day and teach you things about our software in a professional manner. That means without taking breaks every 5 minutes so I can be sad in the bathroom. How are you?" Much easier. That very well could have been what went down Monday morning, but I chose the easy route.
As it turns out, I did have a good time at the Wings game despite the loss, which I was expecting (we played the Canucks, who are beating us by 10 points in the Western Conference). Keith won a free pizza and we got to meet up with Mike and Lauren who were also at the game, unbeknownst to us. On the way home Keith and I discussed my fake feelings and how we could avoid being so fake in the future. We came up with some simple alternatives for "excited" that I am looking forward to using in future conversations (see how I did that?). I'll do my best to be truthful in most situations, where appropriate, or at least tell you that I don't want to discuss things. This will be hard, and expect some crying if I'm discussing my feelings, but I will try. Just don't be offended if you're throwing a party and I say "I am anticipating your upcoming event and hoping that it will result in a decent time."
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