2013 is 12 hours away so I figured I should get one last post in before the new year...
I miss Aidan every day. I cry for him. I gaze at his ashes and his ornament on our tree and am overwhelmed by the fact that he is not here for what should be his second Christmas and new year.
But.
I am so in love with my daughter. I am so thankful that she is here. She is alive.. she is healthy.. she is a smiley, happy, wonderful baby and my life is so much better with her in it.
How can it be possible to be so happy and so sad at the same time?
Regardless, the holidays went wonderfully this year. I got to enjoy them (as much as I could) and show off our beautiful daughter to my friends and family. Everyone loves her, practically as much as we do, and it is just amazing to see the joy in *their* faces when she smiles.
Overall I would have to say that 2012 was a good year.. it started off terribly and there were several rough patches but we made it through. We have a new years day party to attend tomorrow.. last year I locked myself in the bathroom and cried because I couldn't handle the sight and sound of my cousin's 1-year old. I assume she and her newborn (just 10 days older than Enora) will be there again this year. I don't think I will lock myself in the bathroom this time.
Sometimes while feeding or holding her Enora will just smile. Sometimes at me, but often times she will be looking off into the corner of our living room where Aidan's ashes are. Last night she was smiling at our Christmas tree. I kept looking over my shoulder, hoping to get a glimpse of whatever was bringing her joy - could it be Aidan? my grandpa who passed in July? my uncle? grandma? nonno? - but I saw nothing. All I saw was the beautiful smile on her face and I really hope it was one (or all or any) of them saying "hello."
I am looking forward to 2013. I am looking forward to watching my daughter grow up and bask in her innocence. Every smile makes me love her even more...though every smile makes me wish her older brother were here to laugh and smile with her, to play and teach her things only a brother could. 2013 will teach us how to be a better family - the three of us on earth and Aidan in our hearts. We will learn and grow and we'll try to enjoy this year instead of fear it.
I welcome you with open arms, 2013, and thank you, 2012, for the change you brought. My heart will never truly heal, but I'm thankful for my little ray of sunshine who brought some light into my life.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
birth story
Here we go.. This is long, so don't feel inclined to read! It's so I don't have to remember the details. There are pictures at the bottom, though.
I woke up at 3:30 the morning of October 12 (Friday) for a trip to the bathroom. I felt a bit more awake than usual, which I've heard from a few people is a sign that "something" is going to happen soon. I tried not to think much of it and attempted to fall back asleep. It always takes me at least an hour to fall asleep, and while I was playing sudoku on my phone I felt a contraction. I had been feeling contractions off and on for the past week or so - maybe 3-5 a day, so it wasn't surprising, but I again wondered if labor would start soon. About 10 minutes later I felt another contraction, and that really got my mind going. I pulled up my contraction timer app on my phone and started timing in between playing sudoku. After an hour I realized I was having contractions every 8-10 minutes. There was no way I was going back to sleep at that point so I just kept timing and playing games. Eventually Keith's alarm went off and it was time for him to get up. After he showered I casually mentioned that I was having regular contractions, although far apart. He didn't say much, but I think he started to get nervous/anxious at that point. I got out of bed finally and told Keith that I'd let him know if the contractions changed, then he went off to work.
I had been working from home the past two weeks so I didn't have to get ready for work or anything, but I decided in case this was the day that I'd "prepare" myself so I showered, actually blow-dried my hair and all that jazz. I did have a doctor appointment to attend that morning, and we found out I was 2-3 cm dilated and 70% effaced. I told him about the contractions and we decided to stretch my membranes to hopefully speed up the contractions and get me into labor. He believed that I'd deliver that day or the next, but just in case we scheduled an induction date for the following Thursday.
When I got home I texted Keith with all of the news and began working. Soon I noticed that my contractions had picked up some. They weren't painful - really just some tightening of my abdomen or mild period cramps - but they were happening 2-3 minutes apart! I continued to time them, told Keith about the change and suggested that he come home. That was the fastest he had ever left work! He picked up some lunch on the way home (Checker's! I love their fries), but when he got home I worried that I had told him to come home too soon. The contractions were still light, but same frequency. The doctors had previously told me to come to the hospital if I was having contractions 5 minutes apart or less, so around 2 I finally decided that we should head to the hospital. I finished packing my hospital bag (and Keith his) and off we were!
At the hospital they checked me and said I was about 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced. Not enough to be admitted, but while I was hooked up to the heart monitor, they noticed baby girl's heartrate was dropping during the contractions. They had me change positions so I was lying on my side instead of my back and monitored me for an hour. Things improved, and this time my doctor checked me and said I was 3.5-4cm dilated and said I could be admitted. Woo!
They moved me to the birthing suite and hooked me up to a saline IV. After an hour they checked me and I wasn't progressing much, so the doctor broke my water (6:30pm). I'm group B strep positive so they started antibiotics at that time as well. Contractions were still 2-3 minutes apart and getting stronger, but not strong enough, so they started pitocin. I was about 4cm at that point. We ran through two cycles (?) of pitocin when I decided it was time for an epidural. I had always planned on getting an epidural (why deal with the pain when we have all of this amazing medicine?) but I wanted to see how much I was willing to tolerate before getting it. I could have waited it out longer but I figured being comfortable was better than testing my pain tolerance. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epi - it hurt a bit more this time than it did with Aidan, but amazingly it worked on both sides of my body! I was so thrilled! After this point it was really just a waiting game. I labored through the night and into the next day, trying to get as much sleep as I could. My blood pressure was a bit low from the epidural so sometime in the morning they gave me a shot of epinephrine! I actually liked it - it gave me some energy which I was going to need for the long labor ahead. I also threw up a few times, due to the epidural or just labor itself, so they also gave me Zofran. I don't think I've ever had so many medicines pumped into me before! The Zofran helped my nausea, and around 11am on the 13th my parents came up to the hospital to wait for baby girl's arrival.
The nurse kept upping the pitocin and my cervix was dilating about 1cm every 2-3 hours. The dilation stalled at 8cm, which means I was threatened with a C-section since I wasn't progressing. I really didn't want one, but I would do anything for my baby girl as long as she came out healthy! The doctor decided to try lowering my pitocin and then upping it again to see if that would kick-start my contractions. It worked! The contractions picked up and they put me in a completely up-right position in bed (the bed turns into a chair position), which was strangely comfortable, to encourage her to drop down since she was sitting around a 0/+1 station for a while (too high up).
I could slowly feel her moving down since (TMI ALERT!) the pressure on my rectum increased. That was an interesting feeling! The pressure kept getting worse and worse, which is something the epidural can't help with. I was checked again and we found I was 9cm, then 9.5, and the doctor helped out at that point and had me push while he spread my cervix the rest of the way to the full 10cm. Now labor can begin!
They put me back into a reclined position in bed, and the nurse had me start pushing (around 2:15pm). I hadn't taken any labor or lamaze classes, but I knew that you had to push as if you were moving your bowels and that there was a good chance I'd poop on the table! The nurse of course helped and told me how to push and when and how long: 3 big pushes per contraction was our goal.
This is where labor gets its name! With each contraction I would do my best to give three good pushes. For whatever reason my first push was always the best, the second was good, but with the third it felt different and therefore I couldn't push as hard or as long as the first two. I'd rest for a minute or two inbetween the contractions and then push again. Oh my that rectal pain was intense! And then when she was crowning I had the added joy of pain around that area. "I want to see results!" was what I said to my mom and Keith who were holding my legs while I pushed. It felt like I was doing so much, but each push only brought her head out a millimeter at a time, and then her head would go back in after I was done pushing. After almost 2.5 hours of pushing, the doctor realized that I was just not going to stretch enough on my own, so he had to do an episiotomy. I was so caught up in the pain of the pressure that I'm not sure I felt him do it, but both Keith and my mom got to watch and apparently it was horrifying! I believe he did the episiotomy during a contraction and immediately after he pulled out the forceps and used them to get my baby girl out and into this world. Again.. PRESSURE! I was not prepared for that amount of pressure and all the pain that accompanies it.
The moment she was out, she let out a cute little scream, and the doctor put her on my stomach so Keith could cut the umbilical cord. I was in shock and in a ton of pain, but so so so happy that she was out and alive! The doctor stitched me up (more pain! I could feel the needle going in and out) while the nurses cleaned up our little girl. Keith took some pictures, and minutes later she was all bundled up and in my arms. I started crying. One, because I was in pain, Two because she was out and alive!, Three because I was thinking of Aidan and my deceased relatives who were surely watching over us this day.
It's day 5, baby girl is doing great and I'm still recovering, but now the story of Enora can begin.
And for the record, I did not poop on the table!
I woke up at 3:30 the morning of October 12 (Friday) for a trip to the bathroom. I felt a bit more awake than usual, which I've heard from a few people is a sign that "something" is going to happen soon. I tried not to think much of it and attempted to fall back asleep. It always takes me at least an hour to fall asleep, and while I was playing sudoku on my phone I felt a contraction. I had been feeling contractions off and on for the past week or so - maybe 3-5 a day, so it wasn't surprising, but I again wondered if labor would start soon. About 10 minutes later I felt another contraction, and that really got my mind going. I pulled up my contraction timer app on my phone and started timing in between playing sudoku. After an hour I realized I was having contractions every 8-10 minutes. There was no way I was going back to sleep at that point so I just kept timing and playing games. Eventually Keith's alarm went off and it was time for him to get up. After he showered I casually mentioned that I was having regular contractions, although far apart. He didn't say much, but I think he started to get nervous/anxious at that point. I got out of bed finally and told Keith that I'd let him know if the contractions changed, then he went off to work.
I had been working from home the past two weeks so I didn't have to get ready for work or anything, but I decided in case this was the day that I'd "prepare" myself so I showered, actually blow-dried my hair and all that jazz. I did have a doctor appointment to attend that morning, and we found out I was 2-3 cm dilated and 70% effaced. I told him about the contractions and we decided to stretch my membranes to hopefully speed up the contractions and get me into labor. He believed that I'd deliver that day or the next, but just in case we scheduled an induction date for the following Thursday.
When I got home I texted Keith with all of the news and began working. Soon I noticed that my contractions had picked up some. They weren't painful - really just some tightening of my abdomen or mild period cramps - but they were happening 2-3 minutes apart! I continued to time them, told Keith about the change and suggested that he come home. That was the fastest he had ever left work! He picked up some lunch on the way home (Checker's! I love their fries), but when he got home I worried that I had told him to come home too soon. The contractions were still light, but same frequency. The doctors had previously told me to come to the hospital if I was having contractions 5 minutes apart or less, so around 2 I finally decided that we should head to the hospital. I finished packing my hospital bag (and Keith his) and off we were!
At the hospital they checked me and said I was about 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced. Not enough to be admitted, but while I was hooked up to the heart monitor, they noticed baby girl's heartrate was dropping during the contractions. They had me change positions so I was lying on my side instead of my back and monitored me for an hour. Things improved, and this time my doctor checked me and said I was 3.5-4cm dilated and said I could be admitted. Woo!
They moved me to the birthing suite and hooked me up to a saline IV. After an hour they checked me and I wasn't progressing much, so the doctor broke my water (6:30pm). I'm group B strep positive so they started antibiotics at that time as well. Contractions were still 2-3 minutes apart and getting stronger, but not strong enough, so they started pitocin. I was about 4cm at that point. We ran through two cycles (?) of pitocin when I decided it was time for an epidural. I had always planned on getting an epidural (why deal with the pain when we have all of this amazing medicine?) but I wanted to see how much I was willing to tolerate before getting it. I could have waited it out longer but I figured being comfortable was better than testing my pain tolerance. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epi - it hurt a bit more this time than it did with Aidan, but amazingly it worked on both sides of my body! I was so thrilled! After this point it was really just a waiting game. I labored through the night and into the next day, trying to get as much sleep as I could. My blood pressure was a bit low from the epidural so sometime in the morning they gave me a shot of epinephrine! I actually liked it - it gave me some energy which I was going to need for the long labor ahead. I also threw up a few times, due to the epidural or just labor itself, so they also gave me Zofran. I don't think I've ever had so many medicines pumped into me before! The Zofran helped my nausea, and around 11am on the 13th my parents came up to the hospital to wait for baby girl's arrival.
The nurse kept upping the pitocin and my cervix was dilating about 1cm every 2-3 hours. The dilation stalled at 8cm, which means I was threatened with a C-section since I wasn't progressing. I really didn't want one, but I would do anything for my baby girl as long as she came out healthy! The doctor decided to try lowering my pitocin and then upping it again to see if that would kick-start my contractions. It worked! The contractions picked up and they put me in a completely up-right position in bed (the bed turns into a chair position), which was strangely comfortable, to encourage her to drop down since she was sitting around a 0/+1 station for a while (too high up).
I could slowly feel her moving down since (TMI ALERT!) the pressure on my rectum increased. That was an interesting feeling! The pressure kept getting worse and worse, which is something the epidural can't help with. I was checked again and we found I was 9cm, then 9.5, and the doctor helped out at that point and had me push while he spread my cervix the rest of the way to the full 10cm. Now labor can begin!
They put me back into a reclined position in bed, and the nurse had me start pushing (around 2:15pm). I hadn't taken any labor or lamaze classes, but I knew that you had to push as if you were moving your bowels and that there was a good chance I'd poop on the table! The nurse of course helped and told me how to push and when and how long: 3 big pushes per contraction was our goal.
This is where labor gets its name! With each contraction I would do my best to give three good pushes. For whatever reason my first push was always the best, the second was good, but with the third it felt different and therefore I couldn't push as hard or as long as the first two. I'd rest for a minute or two inbetween the contractions and then push again. Oh my that rectal pain was intense! And then when she was crowning I had the added joy of pain around that area. "I want to see results!" was what I said to my mom and Keith who were holding my legs while I pushed. It felt like I was doing so much, but each push only brought her head out a millimeter at a time, and then her head would go back in after I was done pushing. After almost 2.5 hours of pushing, the doctor realized that I was just not going to stretch enough on my own, so he had to do an episiotomy. I was so caught up in the pain of the pressure that I'm not sure I felt him do it, but both Keith and my mom got to watch and apparently it was horrifying! I believe he did the episiotomy during a contraction and immediately after he pulled out the forceps and used them to get my baby girl out and into this world. Again.. PRESSURE! I was not prepared for that amount of pressure and all the pain that accompanies it.
The moment she was out, she let out a cute little scream, and the doctor put her on my stomach so Keith could cut the umbilical cord. I was in shock and in a ton of pain, but so so so happy that she was out and alive! The doctor stitched me up (more pain! I could feel the needle going in and out) while the nurses cleaned up our little girl. Keith took some pictures, and minutes later she was all bundled up and in my arms. I started crying. One, because I was in pain, Two because she was out and alive!, Three because I was thinking of Aidan and my deceased relatives who were surely watching over us this day.
It's day 5, baby girl is doing great and I'm still recovering, but now the story of Enora can begin.
And for the record, I did not poop on the table!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
she's here
Our baby girl is finally here!
Enora Lucia was born October 13, 2012 at 4:39pm, weighing 7lb 8.8oz and 21 3/4in long. She and I are doing fine. Birth story to come.
Monday, October 8, 2012
almost there part 2
Sorry everyone, I totally owe you a post about what's been going on. I am still pregnant - 39 weeks and 3 days today - and surprisingly I feel really good. I've read and heard a lot of stories about how uncomfortable and tired and stressed women get at this stage in their pregnancy, but I really can't complain. I'm tired, and yes she pokes me and tries to escape through my side or my butt, but it's not as bad as I was imagining it to be. I almost feel like I'm meant to be pregnant because I've had so few complications and my body is handling it really well (ignoring the short cervix debacle). I probably didn't even need to go on bed rest. Ever since they took me off it at 34 weeks, I've been walking around and doing things as I normally would, and my cervix has only changed a little bit. As of Friday I am 1-2cm dilated, 70% effaced, and -3 station. My doctors will let me go a week late, but any longer than that and they will induce. The one I met with on Friday said she thinks I'll go before that.. I hope so!
I still feel that twinge whenever I hear about a new pregnancy or someone else goes through a pregnancy and delivers a happy, healthy baby. I am happy for them of course, but it always reminds me of Aidan. I cried pretty hard for the first time in a while about him last night. I was watching Long Island Medium where she read a woman who had lost her child at 5 months gestation. Theresa told the woman that her son's spirit was there while she was holding his lifeless body and he was thankful to her for holding him. That right there got me going. I didn't hold Aidan. I don't know why.. I wanted to see him, but I didn't want to hold him. Maybe I was afraid that holding him would make it real. I remember when the nurse brought him to us all cleaned up and in his little basket, she moved his arm a bit and all I could think was NO! Don't touch him! I'd give anything to hold him now, and after hearing how thankful that little boy was of his mom holding him, I just feel even worse now that I never held him or even touched him. I hope he isn't mad at me.
I do have a story to share from a while ago. Back when I was 17 weeks pregnant I took my weekly pregnancy photo with Aidan's box. I didn't photograph this, but I took his little bag of ashes out of his box and talked to him a bit and held him. I then put his ashes on my belly and said to our little girl, "This is your brother, Aidan." I immediately felt a kick in the exact spot I was holding his ashes. I was barely feeling kicks at all at that point, especially when standing, so the fact that she even kicked and I felt it was amazing. Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe she knew, but I will always treasure that moment and I will make sure to tell her about it and her big brother.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
almost there
I am 33 weeks along now; just 7 more till her due date and just one more till our goal gestational date. It's amazing to think I've lasted almost 9 weeks with a funneling, 1.5 cm long cervix.
I've done extremely well with the modified bed rest. My doctors said it was ok to use stairs every now and then, which has given me a little more freedom, so I've been able to check up on our basement bathroom remodel. We went through Home Depot (24 month financing!) because it required a lot of underground plumbing work and it has taken much longer than expected, but it's a blessing in disguise as I've been able to work from home while the workers are here, allowing me to rest more and not have to rush in the morning to get ready for work.
I've done some shopping too, both on my own and with Keith or a friend. I allow myself to go into the smaller stores, like CVS, to pick up a prescription or something quick without using a wheelchair or scooter, but at bigger stores like Target and JoAnn's I definitely use one. I kind of feel like a dork (or some other appropriate term) when I am riding around a store by myself. I am extremely self-conscious and can only imagine the thoughts running through peoples' heads as they see the lazy pregnant lady scooting around the store, bumping into things (still getting a hang of maneuvering!), yet can get up and walk out to her car no problem. Yes, it is stupid to think these things but we all know it's not easy to turn off our minds. I just keep reminding myself that it's for baby girl (whom is currently hiccuping) and you have a perfectly valid reason to be riding around in a scooter! I also feel awkward being pushed around in a wheelchair, mainly because I'm inconveniencing the person who's pushing, but at least I have some company. Many many thanks to Jenn and Keith for pushing me around JoAnn's and Buy Buy Baby and to Liz for taking me to an art fair and pushing me around in 90 degree weather. That is friendship!
Health-wise I am doing pretty well. My cervix has not changed length nor has it funneled any more. What's interesting is you can actually watch my cervix fill with fluid during a transvaginal ultrasound - the u/s tech will have me bear down, which I assume pushes all the fluid out, then a minute or two later it fills back up again. She says it's not amniotic fluid, but just regular, whatever's-up-in-there fluid. Not her words. Around 28 weeks I had my glucose test and happily found out that I do not have gestational diabetes (my level was 86, whatever that means). After the test I had some bloodwork done and the results said I had a slightly high white cell count. My doctor was going to brush that off at first, as it's normal for pregnant women to have a higher white cell count than non-pregnant women, but when I reminded her that I had a really high white count with Aidan and no signs of the BV that was ravaging my uterus, she decided to put me on a week's worth of antibiotics. Good thing, because just a few days later we found out I had a UTI! I had never had one before, and after reading about the symptoms I suppose I had some of them (very minor, though) but I attributed everything to the many side effects of pregnancy. The UTI is all cleared up now, and I'm doing my best to be more aware of my body.
Because my cervix hasn't changed, my doctors moved me back to bi-weekly appointments instead of weekly, and we stopped doing the cervical ultrasounds (although I did have a measurement u/s and got some cute 3D pictures out of it). So now we are really just in a waiting game. My dad, who knows things, keeps saying she will be born in October, so I am keeping hope that my little pumpkin baby will hold out until then. With everything that's been going on, she'll probably stay in past her due date and I'll need to be induced!
There are a few more things I could write about but this post is long enough. I will try to update more often, but I've been pretty decent at doing minor updates at An Caisteal, so feel free to check that out if you don't mind reading about the happier side of things.
I've done extremely well with the modified bed rest. My doctors said it was ok to use stairs every now and then, which has given me a little more freedom, so I've been able to check up on our basement bathroom remodel. We went through Home Depot (24 month financing!) because it required a lot of underground plumbing work and it has taken much longer than expected, but it's a blessing in disguise as I've been able to work from home while the workers are here, allowing me to rest more and not have to rush in the morning to get ready for work.
I've done some shopping too, both on my own and with Keith or a friend. I allow myself to go into the smaller stores, like CVS, to pick up a prescription or something quick without using a wheelchair or scooter, but at bigger stores like Target and JoAnn's I definitely use one. I kind of feel like a dork (or some other appropriate term) when I am riding around a store by myself. I am extremely self-conscious and can only imagine the thoughts running through peoples' heads as they see the lazy pregnant lady scooting around the store, bumping into things (still getting a hang of maneuvering!), yet can get up and walk out to her car no problem. Yes, it is stupid to think these things but we all know it's not easy to turn off our minds. I just keep reminding myself that it's for baby girl (whom is currently hiccuping) and you have a perfectly valid reason to be riding around in a scooter! I also feel awkward being pushed around in a wheelchair, mainly because I'm inconveniencing the person who's pushing, but at least I have some company. Many many thanks to Jenn and Keith for pushing me around JoAnn's and Buy Buy Baby and to Liz for taking me to an art fair and pushing me around in 90 degree weather. That is friendship!
Health-wise I am doing pretty well. My cervix has not changed length nor has it funneled any more. What's interesting is you can actually watch my cervix fill with fluid during a transvaginal ultrasound - the u/s tech will have me bear down, which I assume pushes all the fluid out, then a minute or two later it fills back up again. She says it's not amniotic fluid, but just regular, whatever's-up-in-there fluid. Not her words. Around 28 weeks I had my glucose test and happily found out that I do not have gestational diabetes (my level was 86, whatever that means). After the test I had some bloodwork done and the results said I had a slightly high white cell count. My doctor was going to brush that off at first, as it's normal for pregnant women to have a higher white cell count than non-pregnant women, but when I reminded her that I had a really high white count with Aidan and no signs of the BV that was ravaging my uterus, she decided to put me on a week's worth of antibiotics. Good thing, because just a few days later we found out I had a UTI! I had never had one before, and after reading about the symptoms I suppose I had some of them (very minor, though) but I attributed everything to the many side effects of pregnancy. The UTI is all cleared up now, and I'm doing my best to be more aware of my body.
Because my cervix hasn't changed, my doctors moved me back to bi-weekly appointments instead of weekly, and we stopped doing the cervical ultrasounds (although I did have a measurement u/s and got some cute 3D pictures out of it). So now we are really just in a waiting game. My dad, who knows things, keeps saying she will be born in October, so I am keeping hope that my little pumpkin baby will hold out until then. With everything that's been going on, she'll probably stay in past her due date and I'll need to be induced!
There are a few more things I could write about but this post is long enough. I will try to update more often, but I've been pretty decent at doing minor updates at An Caisteal, so feel free to check that out if you don't mind reading about the happier side of things.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
my grampie
I had started writing up a post for you all last week, just a little update on the fact that not much has changed since my last post. Then I found out on Tuesday that my grandfather died.
He was 85 years old, not in the best health but I certainly did not think he was going to pass so soon. I had just seen him on Friday when we went out to dinner with him and some of my family. That was the first time I had seen him this pregnancy. No, he didn't live far from me at all. I'm just a terrible granddaughter that never visited. He was happy to see me and Keith, though, along with the rest of the family - some who were in town visiting that weekend.
I'm not going to write a ton about him here, at least not now. There's a lot I could say, both good and bad, but I'll leave it at I think he was overall a good man, and although he seemed to treat his children and grandchildren unfairly, perhaps he treated them in the way they needed to be treated, and helped them in the way they needed to be helped.
My grandpa had 6 kids (he and my grandma divorced many years ago; she died in '91), 12 grandchildren, and depending on how you look at it, between 3 and 7 great-grandchildren. Three great-grandchildren are definitely accounted for and living, a 4th might exist (not sure if a cousin has two kids or just one), Aidan died, the 6th is growing in my womb, and the 7th is growing in another cousin's womb. On his obituary only 4 great-grandchildren were noted, the 4th being the one that might exist. I was there when they were writing out the obituary. I could have spoken up and said well what about Aidan, but I didn't. I could have spoken up and said well what about the ones that are growing, but I didn't. What is protocol for this? My uncle, who passed in '03, was listed as "the late" son. I guess it's not a big deal. If the 4th one doesn't exist then we can pretend that was for Aidan. Or this one. Or the other one.
I was a bit of a mess last week after finding out about his death. I cried a lot, and luckily I've been working from home so I didn't have to put on a show in front of my coworkers. The thought I kept returning to was how much I wanted him to meet his future great-granddaughter, and he won't get to. I only have one grandparent left now, and none on Keith's side. Please please please let my grandma stay alive until she's born. Please let her meet my child. I guess my grandpa does get to meet one of them. He finally got to meet Aidan.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
fluid
I have a feeling we're not gonna make it to October.
I had my bi-weekly (fortnightly?) appointment today and was given some more bad news. Last time, although short and soft-ish, my cervix was nice and closed inside and out. Today we discovered a pocket of fluid in my cervix, which means my cervix is dilating from the inside, or funneling. Fantastic.
The length was the same (hooray!) and the outside is still closed (double hooray!) but it means I'm at an even higher risk for pre-term labor now. They did another fFN test and another BV test (apparently my vajay looked red and irritated.. funny, it's not bothering me) so I'll get the results of those soon - the fFN might even come back today. I'm also going to start going in weekly so they can monitor my cervix. If it stays this way without change for a while then maybe we'll go back down to fortnightly (apparently I like this word) but we want to be on the safe side. My "couch potato" bed rest rules have not changed, so I can still go to work, but I'm going to take it much easier than I have been.. maybe ask Keith to get me water instead of getting up for it myself, etc.
I didn't freak out as much today as I did last time, but I am still really worried. I know that each day she says inside my womb means a higher chance of survival, but there could always be complications. She could have a brain bleed or her lungs might not have matured enough even with the steroids. I'm still looking at 34 weeks for our goal, but the doc today mentioned even 30/32 weeks would be great. If things get worse down there they might put me on hospital bed rest. Sigh. Please think good things for us.
I had my bi-weekly (fortnightly?) appointment today and was given some more bad news. Last time, although short and soft-ish, my cervix was nice and closed inside and out. Today we discovered a pocket of fluid in my cervix, which means my cervix is dilating from the inside, or funneling. Fantastic.
The length was the same (hooray!) and the outside is still closed (double hooray!) but it means I'm at an even higher risk for pre-term labor now. They did another fFN test and another BV test (apparently my vajay looked red and irritated.. funny, it's not bothering me) so I'll get the results of those soon - the fFN might even come back today. I'm also going to start going in weekly so they can monitor my cervix. If it stays this way without change for a while then maybe we'll go back down to fortnightly (apparently I like this word) but we want to be on the safe side. My "couch potato" bed rest rules have not changed, so I can still go to work, but I'm going to take it much easier than I have been.. maybe ask Keith to get me water instead of getting up for it myself, etc.
I didn't freak out as much today as I did last time, but I am still really worried. I know that each day she says inside my womb means a higher chance of survival, but there could always be complications. She could have a brain bleed or her lungs might not have matured enough even with the steroids. I'm still looking at 34 weeks for our goal, but the doc today mentioned even 30/32 weeks would be great. If things get worse down there they might put me on hospital bed rest. Sigh. Please think good things for us.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
couch potato
I am now on doctors orders to be a couch potato for (minimum) the next 9 weeks.
That would be the layman's term for modified bed rest.
What happened, you ask? Well let me tell you.
On June 15 Keith and I left for a 9-day trip to Seattle. We had a great time, got to do a bunch of touristy stuff, saw friends we haven't seen in a while, and finished off the trip by attending the National Homebrew Conference. All-in-all it was a really nice vacation/babymoon, if you will. We did a ton of walking and standing while there, but I made sure to rest whenever I could.
We flew home early Monday morning and since I took the day off work to recoup, I also scheduled my monthly ob appointment for that day. I've been having my doctors check me for BV each month since that's what I had with Aidan, but didn't have any symptoms, so I don't want to run into that situation again. While my doc was "down there" she also checked my cervix and noted that it felt short to her. Not to worry, she said, the length could be on the inside where she couldn't feel, but to be on the safe side she scheduled me for a transvaginal ultrasound to determine the actual length. Since it was late in the day and the tech was out, I had to come back on Tuesday for the ultrasound. Not to worry? ha. Everything is going to make me worried this pregnancy.
Got there on Tuesday and had the ultrasound. I wasn't sure what to expect since I haven't had a transvag before, but it really wasn't bad at all. The tech took some measurements, told me it seemed short to her too, but she wanted to speak with the doctor so he could decide what to do. She told me to head upstairs and wait for his decision.
I head upstairs and sat down for a few minutes, and the next thing I know a nurse is walking towards me with a prescription for steroids. She told me that my cervix is measuring 1.5 cm (which is quite low - average is between 3 and 5cm) and that the steroids are to help baby's lungs mature in case I deliver early. I immediately went to the pharmacy to pick up the steroid shots and drove back so she could administer it. One shot today, one shot the next. That shot burns, man! It wasn't too bad going in but once all of the medicine got in there it burned like crazy. It went away after maybe 10 minutes but was kinda sore the rest of the day. The steroids are called betamethasone. Google it if you want.. it does other things but the main thing for me is baby girl's lung development. Again, since it was later in the day and because I had the BV test done on Monday, they couldn't do any more tests today so I had to come back on Wednesday.
Of course at this point I am freaking out and I started googling everything I could when I got home about a short cervix and the steroids. Apparently it's super common for women to get these shots (if they have a risk of pre-term labor) and a lot of them make it rather far in their pregnancy, some even needing to be induced at the end. None of this settled my nerves, however. I had asked the nurse if I needed to take it easy the rest of the day and she said no, continue as usual. So Keith and I attempted to go to our beer club meeting, but one of the ladies started asking me about the pregnancy (she had just found out about it) and how I was doing and I could barely stop myself from crying. I ran to the bathroom and cried there for about 10 minutes, came out and told Keith we needed to go. Luckily we had a bit of an excuse as we were planning on visiting Jenn and her new baby girl in the hospital that night, and our waitress at the bar sucked, so we split. The hospital visit wasn't too bad.. baby Quorra is super cute (and quiet!) but I did not say anything about what was going on (and Jenn.. since you read this.. now you know).
I could barely sleep that night. I fell asleep a little after 10, but woke up at midnight and couldn't go back to bed until 4am. My heart kept palpitating or my thoughts would wander off to crazy places whenever I attempted to sleep.
Wednesday arrived, and by this time I had told the important people at work about what was going on. I pretty much had to since I was supposed to go in the office, but worked from home instead (nice perk, yes). Everything I had read about my situation seemed mostly positive, but it also meant I'd be on bed rest until the end of this pregnancy. I got to the doctors and they did a pelvic exam, cervix check and a fFN (fetal Fibronectin) test. The fFN test measures a protein in my vagina and basically determines my risk of pre-term labor. The doctor told me that yes, my cervix is 1.5cm long, and when the ultrasound tech had me bear down during the ultrasound, the length dropped down to 1.2cm. Good news is my cervix is not dilated (yay!) and it is medium-soft (hard would be best, but medium-soft is better than soft), and baby is not pushing down on my cervix. He is a very positive-minded doctor (which I appreciate.. tired of all the negative people) and did not seem overly concerned. He said I basically need to be a couch potato from here on out, meaning no heavy lifting, no grocery shopping (or any long bouts of standing/walking), and no sex. He said it was ok for me to go to work since all I do is sit all day, and that's all I'd be doing at home anyway. Keith came with me to the appointment (thank you!) and he asked if all the walking/standing we did in Seattle could have caused this. He said no, that it would have happened anyway. I didn't ask any further questions about that, but it makes me wonder if I have an incompetent cervix problem, and perhaps that along with the BV is what lead to Aidan's death last year. He said our ultimate goal is to get me to 34 weeks (which is just about 9 weeks away!), but really the longer she stays in there, the better. Every week makes a huge difference in her development and increases her chances of surviving outside the womb. He scheduled me for another ultrasound and appointment in two weeks, I got my second steroid shot (that nurse was rough! It hurt even more that time!), and I went home.
I was actually feeling much better that night, but I did feel bad because now Keith has to do pretty much everything around the house and I think it's going to be really stressful on him. But I want nothing more than this baby to come out healthy (and preferably in October!) so I must do whatever I can to keep her safe. I'm going to limit standing and walking, no stairs if possible, and, as the doc said, just be a couch potato.
The results of the fFN test wouldn't come back till Thursday, which leads us to today. They called me early this morning which was great (didn't have to worry all day) and it came back negative!! That is good! If it came back positive that basically meant that within the next few weeks my body would most likely go into labor. Since it's negative (for now) there's only a very very small chance of labor happening any time soon.
So now begins my couch-potato-ness. Doesn't this just get better and better? Told ya I'd still update here. Was just hoping for something more positive to write about.
That would be the layman's term for modified bed rest.
What happened, you ask? Well let me tell you.
On June 15 Keith and I left for a 9-day trip to Seattle. We had a great time, got to do a bunch of touristy stuff, saw friends we haven't seen in a while, and finished off the trip by attending the National Homebrew Conference. All-in-all it was a really nice vacation/babymoon, if you will. We did a ton of walking and standing while there, but I made sure to rest whenever I could.
We flew home early Monday morning and since I took the day off work to recoup, I also scheduled my monthly ob appointment for that day. I've been having my doctors check me for BV each month since that's what I had with Aidan, but didn't have any symptoms, so I don't want to run into that situation again. While my doc was "down there" she also checked my cervix and noted that it felt short to her. Not to worry, she said, the length could be on the inside where she couldn't feel, but to be on the safe side she scheduled me for a transvaginal ultrasound to determine the actual length. Since it was late in the day and the tech was out, I had to come back on Tuesday for the ultrasound. Not to worry? ha. Everything is going to make me worried this pregnancy.
Got there on Tuesday and had the ultrasound. I wasn't sure what to expect since I haven't had a transvag before, but it really wasn't bad at all. The tech took some measurements, told me it seemed short to her too, but she wanted to speak with the doctor so he could decide what to do. She told me to head upstairs and wait for his decision.
I head upstairs and sat down for a few minutes, and the next thing I know a nurse is walking towards me with a prescription for steroids. She told me that my cervix is measuring 1.5 cm (which is quite low - average is between 3 and 5cm) and that the steroids are to help baby's lungs mature in case I deliver early. I immediately went to the pharmacy to pick up the steroid shots and drove back so she could administer it. One shot today, one shot the next. That shot burns, man! It wasn't too bad going in but once all of the medicine got in there it burned like crazy. It went away after maybe 10 minutes but was kinda sore the rest of the day. The steroids are called betamethasone. Google it if you want.. it does other things but the main thing for me is baby girl's lung development. Again, since it was later in the day and because I had the BV test done on Monday, they couldn't do any more tests today so I had to come back on Wednesday.
Of course at this point I am freaking out and I started googling everything I could when I got home about a short cervix and the steroids. Apparently it's super common for women to get these shots (if they have a risk of pre-term labor) and a lot of them make it rather far in their pregnancy, some even needing to be induced at the end. None of this settled my nerves, however. I had asked the nurse if I needed to take it easy the rest of the day and she said no, continue as usual. So Keith and I attempted to go to our beer club meeting, but one of the ladies started asking me about the pregnancy (she had just found out about it) and how I was doing and I could barely stop myself from crying. I ran to the bathroom and cried there for about 10 minutes, came out and told Keith we needed to go. Luckily we had a bit of an excuse as we were planning on visiting Jenn and her new baby girl in the hospital that night, and our waitress at the bar sucked, so we split. The hospital visit wasn't too bad.. baby Quorra is super cute (and quiet!) but I did not say anything about what was going on (and Jenn.. since you read this.. now you know).
I could barely sleep that night. I fell asleep a little after 10, but woke up at midnight and couldn't go back to bed until 4am. My heart kept palpitating or my thoughts would wander off to crazy places whenever I attempted to sleep.
Wednesday arrived, and by this time I had told the important people at work about what was going on. I pretty much had to since I was supposed to go in the office, but worked from home instead (nice perk, yes). Everything I had read about my situation seemed mostly positive, but it also meant I'd be on bed rest until the end of this pregnancy. I got to the doctors and they did a pelvic exam, cervix check and a fFN (fetal Fibronectin) test. The fFN test measures a protein in my vagina and basically determines my risk of pre-term labor. The doctor told me that yes, my cervix is 1.5cm long, and when the ultrasound tech had me bear down during the ultrasound, the length dropped down to 1.2cm. Good news is my cervix is not dilated (yay!) and it is medium-soft (hard would be best, but medium-soft is better than soft), and baby is not pushing down on my cervix. He is a very positive-minded doctor (which I appreciate.. tired of all the negative people) and did not seem overly concerned. He said I basically need to be a couch potato from here on out, meaning no heavy lifting, no grocery shopping (or any long bouts of standing/walking), and no sex. He said it was ok for me to go to work since all I do is sit all day, and that's all I'd be doing at home anyway. Keith came with me to the appointment (thank you!) and he asked if all the walking/standing we did in Seattle could have caused this. He said no, that it would have happened anyway. I didn't ask any further questions about that, but it makes me wonder if I have an incompetent cervix problem, and perhaps that along with the BV is what lead to Aidan's death last year. He said our ultimate goal is to get me to 34 weeks (which is just about 9 weeks away!), but really the longer she stays in there, the better. Every week makes a huge difference in her development and increases her chances of surviving outside the womb. He scheduled me for another ultrasound and appointment in two weeks, I got my second steroid shot (that nurse was rough! It hurt even more that time!), and I went home.
I was actually feeling much better that night, but I did feel bad because now Keith has to do pretty much everything around the house and I think it's going to be really stressful on him. But I want nothing more than this baby to come out healthy (and preferably in October!) so I must do whatever I can to keep her safe. I'm going to limit standing and walking, no stairs if possible, and, as the doc said, just be a couch potato.
The results of the fFN test wouldn't come back till Thursday, which leads us to today. They called me early this morning which was great (didn't have to worry all day) and it came back negative!! That is good! If it came back positive that basically meant that within the next few weeks my body would most likely go into labor. Since it's negative (for now) there's only a very very small chance of labor happening any time soon.
So now begins my couch-potato-ness. Doesn't this just get better and better? Told ya I'd still update here. Was just hoping for something more positive to write about.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
triage
It would be ridiculous for me to think, even for a second, that this pregnancy would go smoothly.
Monday night further enforced the fact that I should never let such a thought cross my mind.
I will preface this by saying don't worry.. I am fine and so is baby girl.
So Monday night I was working late, and before I left for home I went to the bathroom. Does this sound familiar? Bad things always happen in the bathroom. Anyway, luckily I did not see my amniotic fluid sac hanging out, but instead I saw a little bit of spotting. No big deal, I thought - I've had a little bit of spotting here and there throughout this pregnancy, which I understand is normal. But as I continued to clean myself, a nice, quarter-sized clot came out.
Of course I started freaking out, but I tried with all of my might to stay calm. I didn't have any cramping or pain so that was good. The spotting continued after the clot but nothing else came out -- again, good. So I drove home and called my mom on the way (after calling Keith, who was at the gym and didn't answer). The plan was to get home (about a 35 minute drive), see if the spotting continued/more clots came, then call the doctor.
I was so thankful that I could feel baby girl moving during the ride home. The fact that I could feel her move and I didn't have any pain told me that this probably wasn't serious, but still really scary because I had no idea why I would suddenly pass a clot after sitting at work all day.
Got home.. no clots and just the tiniest bit of spotting. I called the doctor and she suggested I to go to triage just to make sure everything was ok with the baby. Keith got home and then we headed to the hospital.
It was a relatively quiet night on Monday so we got a bed right away and the nurse started asking me a million questions. She found baby's heartbeat with the doppler rather easily and it was in the normal range. Baby girl was very active that night and Keith finally got to feel her kick! That was nice. Then the doctor came in and asked me some more questions and did an exam. She found that I have what is called a friable spot on my cervix and that is where the bleeding came from. Basically it means that any sort of agitation can cause this spot to bleed. She didn't seem concerned about this - I guess some women's cervixes can be completely friable which would probably mean bedrest - but it was good to know why I was bleeding. I don't know why this spot is there in the first place, however. She then did a "digital" exam to check my cervix and oh my god I swear she put her entire fist up there. Holy crap that was insane. I guess my cervix is softer than she would like (interesting.. because at an appointment two months ago the doc said it was hard) but she did say it was closed so that's good. The softness could be due to my pregnancy with Aidan messing up my cervix, but who knows. We got to see baby girl on an ultrasound after that and she looked good - heart still beating and all that. Urine test was fine as well. The nurse discharged me after this and we went home.
So basically the new thing that's wrong with me is that friable spot. It could bleed again and clot again, but as long as the bleeding stops and I don't have pain or contractions then I'm ok. Yes, some bleeding can be normal during pregnancy.
That was just not how I wanted to spend Monday night.
Monday night further enforced the fact that I should never let such a thought cross my mind.
I will preface this by saying don't worry.. I am fine and so is baby girl.
So Monday night I was working late, and before I left for home I went to the bathroom. Does this sound familiar? Bad things always happen in the bathroom. Anyway, luckily I did not see my amniotic fluid sac hanging out, but instead I saw a little bit of spotting. No big deal, I thought - I've had a little bit of spotting here and there throughout this pregnancy, which I understand is normal. But as I continued to clean myself, a nice, quarter-sized clot came out.
Of course I started freaking out, but I tried with all of my might to stay calm. I didn't have any cramping or pain so that was good. The spotting continued after the clot but nothing else came out -- again, good. So I drove home and called my mom on the way (after calling Keith, who was at the gym and didn't answer). The plan was to get home (about a 35 minute drive), see if the spotting continued/more clots came, then call the doctor.
I was so thankful that I could feel baby girl moving during the ride home. The fact that I could feel her move and I didn't have any pain told me that this probably wasn't serious, but still really scary because I had no idea why I would suddenly pass a clot after sitting at work all day.
Got home.. no clots and just the tiniest bit of spotting. I called the doctor and she suggested I to go to triage just to make sure everything was ok with the baby. Keith got home and then we headed to the hospital.
It was a relatively quiet night on Monday so we got a bed right away and the nurse started asking me a million questions. She found baby's heartbeat with the doppler rather easily and it was in the normal range. Baby girl was very active that night and Keith finally got to feel her kick! That was nice. Then the doctor came in and asked me some more questions and did an exam. She found that I have what is called a friable spot on my cervix and that is where the bleeding came from. Basically it means that any sort of agitation can cause this spot to bleed. She didn't seem concerned about this - I guess some women's cervixes can be completely friable which would probably mean bedrest - but it was good to know why I was bleeding. I don't know why this spot is there in the first place, however. She then did a "digital" exam to check my cervix and oh my god I swear she put her entire fist up there. Holy crap that was insane. I guess my cervix is softer than she would like (interesting.. because at an appointment two months ago the doc said it was hard) but she did say it was closed so that's good. The softness could be due to my pregnancy with Aidan messing up my cervix, but who knows. We got to see baby girl on an ultrasound after that and she looked good - heart still beating and all that. Urine test was fine as well. The nurse discharged me after this and we went home.
So basically the new thing that's wrong with me is that friable spot. It could bleed again and clot again, but as long as the bleeding stops and I don't have pain or contractions then I'm ok. Yes, some bleeding can be normal during pregnancy.
That was just not how I wanted to spend Monday night.
Monday, June 4, 2012
life
just wanted to share this beautiful post:
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2012/5/30/the-meaning-of-a-life.html
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2012/5/30/the-meaning-of-a-life.html
Thursday, May 31, 2012
happy?
I have a "happy" blog. I made it back in April with the intent to put happy things up there, AKA not sad things, AKA things like words and pictures that are acceptable for family members to see and read but not necessarily what a BLM would want to see. I was going to share it with family "at some point." Whenever I decided I wanted to be more public about this pregnancy. I shared it with my mom first because I put more ultrasound pictures up there.. and then she shared it with facebook. /facepalm. It's ok though. I am ok with it now.
So I give you the option of viewing it or not. I have been taking weekly pictures where I look very happy and excited for this one, all of which are up there. I have not written a lot, but it's just enough to update others on the happier side of where I am right now.
I will continue to write here as there will always be grief and other things I want to share with *you*, but it will probably be more sporadic. I think I will write another "Right Where I Am" post for Angie... just need to work on it. I've been bad with words lately.
Without further ado, I give you the happy blog: ancaisteal.blogspot.com
So I give you the option of viewing it or not. I have been taking weekly pictures where I look very happy and excited for this one, all of which are up there. I have not written a lot, but it's just enough to update others on the happier side of where I am right now.
I will continue to write here as there will always be grief and other things I want to share with *you*, but it will probably be more sporadic. I think I will write another "Right Where I Am" post for Angie... just need to work on it. I've been bad with words lately.
Without further ado, I give you the happy blog: ancaisteal.blogspot.com
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
it's a...
Secret!
No, I won't do that to you. Just keep reading.
The ultrasound was very uneventful. I laid there for about 15 minutes while the ultrasound tech took measurements and photos of the baby. She then brought in Keith and went over everything. Baby is healthy! She said the heart looks great and pointed out the kidneys and spine and bladder. I cried when I first got to see our baby on the ultrasound screen. It was so amazing to be able to see this one moving around in all of that wonderful amniotic fluid that Aidan was so desperately lacking. It's amazing to think that I'm only a few weeks ahead of when Aidan died, yet so much farther in this baby's little life. Each week is a milestone. It's becoming more and more real that we might get to take this one home, alive. I cry just thinking about it.
She finally asked at the end whether we want to know the gender or not. I excitedly nodded my head yes - I am not up for a "gender neutral" anything and do not want a green/yellow shower or nursery. I mentioned that practically everyone I know is having a girl or has had a girl in the past 2 years, and was wondering whether we'd be joining them...
Care to take a guess before I tell you?
No, I won't do that to you. Just keep reading.
The ultrasound was very uneventful. I laid there for about 15 minutes while the ultrasound tech took measurements and photos of the baby. She then brought in Keith and went over everything. Baby is healthy! She said the heart looks great and pointed out the kidneys and spine and bladder. I cried when I first got to see our baby on the ultrasound screen. It was so amazing to be able to see this one moving around in all of that wonderful amniotic fluid that Aidan was so desperately lacking. It's amazing to think that I'm only a few weeks ahead of when Aidan died, yet so much farther in this baby's little life. Each week is a milestone. It's becoming more and more real that we might get to take this one home, alive. I cry just thinking about it.
She finally asked at the end whether we want to know the gender or not. I excitedly nodded my head yes - I am not up for a "gender neutral" anything and do not want a green/yellow shower or nursery. I mentioned that practically everyone I know is having a girl or has had a girl in the past 2 years, and was wondering whether we'd be joining them...
Care to take a guess before I tell you?
Our little one
It's a...
GIRL!
I was surprised for a number of reasons.. my grandma, who I swear just knows things, had guessed a boy (she guessed Aidan correctly), most of my friends and family guessed boy as well, and I was starting to get the feeling that this one would be a boy. I had my doubts though because I did not have the dreams that I had with Aidan, and sure enough we are, in fact, joining my friends and family who have all had girls.
We are so happy because she is healthy and that we have made it this far. Of course we are still nervous and walking on eggshells, but we are hoping that the rest of the pregnancy goes as smoothly as it has and that we will get to take home a live, breathing, healthy little girl in October.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
this week
Just a few things..
Still struggling with how much information regarding Aidan to share with others. My coworker got food poisoning the other day, and I mentioned that I've never had it before. Another coworker stated how lucky I was that I haven't and that he's had it and has never thrown up so much before in his life. Then I realized I've actually had similar symptoms when I was uncontrollably vomiting after taking Flagyl. I don't think this coworker knows about Aidan (he's new) and so I didn't bring it up.
Yesterday this same coworker brought up the movie Rocky, and others commented on how it's a classic and everyone should see it. I mentioned that I've seen it. I did not mention that I saw it at the hospital the morning after giving birth to Aidan.
...
I puked and rallied at lunch yesterday. Some coworkers and I went out for lunch and I was starrrving, so I scarfed down my food when it arrived. I got about halfway through when my stomach decided it wasn't happy. I went to the bathroom, threw it all up, then went back and continued eating.
...
Finding out about others' pregnancies still gives me anxiety, especially the ones who aren't BLMs. Glad everything's going so perfectly well for you.
...
I am dwelling on some comments that people said to me/Keith after Aidan died. Someone said something AWFUL to Keith back then and he just told me about it a few weeks ago, and that of course brought all of the hurtful comments back to my memory. Think before you speak, people. A simple "I'm so sorry" <<hug>> "What can I do to help?" would suffice. You may have a spiritual being in your world that kills children for a reason, but not in mine. And all of my children deserve a name, even if they died in the womb. Fuck you.
...
In happier news, we have the anatomy scan on Monday, so hopefully the little one will cooperate and we can find out the gender as well. The plan is to make some "gender reveal" cupcakes for work, with colored filling on the inside.
That's all I got.
Still struggling with how much information regarding Aidan to share with others. My coworker got food poisoning the other day, and I mentioned that I've never had it before. Another coworker stated how lucky I was that I haven't and that he's had it and has never thrown up so much before in his life. Then I realized I've actually had similar symptoms when I was uncontrollably vomiting after taking Flagyl. I don't think this coworker knows about Aidan (he's new) and so I didn't bring it up.
Yesterday this same coworker brought up the movie Rocky, and others commented on how it's a classic and everyone should see it. I mentioned that I've seen it. I did not mention that I saw it at the hospital the morning after giving birth to Aidan.
...
I puked and rallied at lunch yesterday. Some coworkers and I went out for lunch and I was starrrving, so I scarfed down my food when it arrived. I got about halfway through when my stomach decided it wasn't happy. I went to the bathroom, threw it all up, then went back and continued eating.
...
Finding out about others' pregnancies still gives me anxiety, especially the ones who aren't BLMs. Glad everything's going so perfectly well for you.
...
I am dwelling on some comments that people said to me/Keith after Aidan died. Someone said something AWFUL to Keith back then and he just told me about it a few weeks ago, and that of course brought all of the hurtful comments back to my memory. Think before you speak, people. A simple "I'm so sorry" <<hug>> "What can I do to help?" would suffice. You may have a spiritual being in your world that kills children for a reason, but not in mine. And all of my children deserve a name, even if they died in the womb. Fuck you.
...
In happier news, we have the anatomy scan on Monday, so hopefully the little one will cooperate and we can find out the gender as well. The plan is to make some "gender reveal" cupcakes for work, with colored filling on the inside.
That's all I got.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
after the storm
after the storm
when the lightning has ceased
the thunder is silenced
the wind has calmed
and the rain is but a drizzle
you'll often times see a rainbow
i finally have my rainbow, 18 weeks in the making.
in 5 months this little one is supposed to arrive, supposed to be breathing, healthy, and alive. we are nervous. we are cautiously expecting. there is some comfort in the fact that we've passed Aidan's date of 17 weeks and 2 days, but we are still scared because we know anything can happen at any time.
i am doing my best to stay positive. i am trying to plan...car seats, strollers, the nursery. it is all very overwhelming yet almost comforting because it sort of forces me to think that this baby will actually make it.
we have a lot of support, and i thank all of you for your continued support and love. this is still a difficult journey but, as always, we're doing our best to make it through.
when the lightning has ceased
the thunder is silenced
the wind has calmed
and the rain is but a drizzle
you'll often times see a rainbow
i finally have my rainbow, 18 weeks in the making.
in 5 months this little one is supposed to arrive, supposed to be breathing, healthy, and alive. we are nervous. we are cautiously expecting. there is some comfort in the fact that we've passed Aidan's date of 17 weeks and 2 days, but we are still scared because we know anything can happen at any time.
i am doing my best to stay positive. i am trying to plan...car seats, strollers, the nursery. it is all very overwhelming yet almost comforting because it sort of forces me to think that this baby will actually make it.
we have a lot of support, and i thank all of you for your continued support and love. this is still a difficult journey but, as always, we're doing our best to make it through.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
one year
I am amazed that it has been a year already. One whole year without Aidan. It has been a rough, rocky year, full of ups and downs, but I'm glad I've reached this mark and am feeling as well as I do.
Today was good and relaxing. It went by quickly and I didn't break down. Keith and I played some computer games, we saw Ghost Rider (which sucked, but I bet Aidan would have liked it), ate some dinner, drank some good wine, and I made a layer cake!
Here are some pictures from today...
Today was good and relaxing. It went by quickly and I didn't break down. Keith and I played some computer games, we saw Ghost Rider (which sucked, but I bet Aidan would have liked it), ate some dinner, drank some good wine, and I made a layer cake!
Here are some pictures from today...
a toast to Aidan
I've managed to keep this guy alive for almost a year now (my cats like eating the leaves, hence the broken ones)
My parents got us an orchid plant in honor of Aidan (sorry for the crappy lighting)
It came with a cute little bear
This has been here for a while now, but this is Aidan's box, always surrounded by family
The layer cake! this is not the finished product...it's red velvet strawberry shortcake
Iced with cool whip. I've never made a cake like this before.
Topped with strawberries
Yum!
I want to give a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has thought of, prayed for, sent things, and did things in honor of Aidan today. I am overwhelmed by all of your support! I hope my little boy can see how much we all love him and how much he was wanted. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
To Aidan, I will always miss you, baby boy, but I will love you forever. Here's to you, on your one year angelversary.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
getting better
I've been thinking a lot about last year and those last days before Aidan's death. What gets me is how sudden all of it was. One moment I was happy and eating chocolate cake, the next I was freaking out in our bathroom while my heart was racing and I thought I was going to die.
Reliving those days is more like it. Every moment, every phone call, every conversation with every doctor. Those were terrible, terrible days. Those stupid antibiotics that made me vomit uncontrollably. My son suffocated to death inside me. With no amniotic fluid he had nothing to breathe. His heart was racing too, dangerously higher than mine, and he died.
I wanted to die too.
I would lie in bed at night after his death, reliving those days as I do now, consumed by sadness and depression. My heart medicine was only a few steps away in our bathroom.. Just a few extra pills would slow my heart down enough and release me from all of this pain. And then I could see my son again.
That would have been a selfish thing to do, though, and I reminded myself of that every time those thoughts came to my mind. Losing a child is hard enough and I did not want Keith to lose his wife too. Nor my family their daughter/niece/granddaughter/cousin/friend.
I got though that dark stage of my life. I'm crying as I write this but I swear I am so much better than I was before. There is still grief and sadness, but is not nearly as intense as it used to be. With time comes healing, but there will always be a scar to remind you of your pain.
I think I will be ok tomorrow, the anniversary of Aidan's death. We are going to see a movie and I am going to bake a cake. We will open some fancy wine from our trip to Napa, and we will celebrate our son's short life. Oh, I am sure I will cry, but I will get through this. I have to.
Reliving those days is more like it. Every moment, every phone call, every conversation with every doctor. Those were terrible, terrible days. Those stupid antibiotics that made me vomit uncontrollably. My son suffocated to death inside me. With no amniotic fluid he had nothing to breathe. His heart was racing too, dangerously higher than mine, and he died.
I wanted to die too.
I would lie in bed at night after his death, reliving those days as I do now, consumed by sadness and depression. My heart medicine was only a few steps away in our bathroom.. Just a few extra pills would slow my heart down enough and release me from all of this pain. And then I could see my son again.
That would have been a selfish thing to do, though, and I reminded myself of that every time those thoughts came to my mind. Losing a child is hard enough and I did not want Keith to lose his wife too. Nor my family their daughter/niece/granddaughter/cousin/friend.
I got though that dark stage of my life. I'm crying as I write this but I swear I am so much better than I was before. There is still grief and sadness, but is not nearly as intense as it used to be. With time comes healing, but there will always be a scar to remind you of your pain.
I think I will be ok tomorrow, the anniversary of Aidan's death. We are going to see a movie and I am going to bake a cake. We will open some fancy wine from our trip to Napa, and we will celebrate our son's short life. Oh, I am sure I will cry, but I will get through this. I have to.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
it stings
I became aware of some new pregnancies over these past few weeks. Hearing about them still stings. Being told about them in person is a lot better than seeing a post on facebook. When I see an ultrasound picture or an announcement on facebook, I feel like they're shouting this news at me. HA! LOOK WHAT I DID! I GOT PREGNANT AND I AM SO CONFIDENT ABOUT THIS PREGNANCY THAT I AM GOING TO ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WORLD AND FILL UP YOUR NEWSFEED WITH PICTURES SO YOU WON'T MISS IT! AND THEN EVERYONE WILL COMMENT ON MY AMAZING PICTURES AND THOSE COMMENTS WILL SHOW UP IN YOUR NEWSFEED TOO! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Obviously that is not true (I hope?), but that's how it feels, and it makes me want to run away and hide. Or say fuck you. Losing a child is not fun. TTC and failing every single month is not fun. It just seems so foreign and shocking to hear about another pregnancy and to see such confidence these women have that they're willing to share this information with the world. Just because you're past 12 weeks doesn't mean you're safe. Not to instill worry into anyone who is pregnant, but being pregnant doesn't always equal a live baby in the end.
I just wonder when it will stop hurting. When hearing about someone's pregnancy will make me smile instead of cringe.
Obviously that is not true (I hope?), but that's how it feels, and it makes me want to run away and hide. Or say fuck you. Losing a child is not fun. TTC and failing every single month is not fun. It just seems so foreign and shocking to hear about another pregnancy and to see such confidence these women have that they're willing to share this information with the world. Just because you're past 12 weeks doesn't mean you're safe. Not to instill worry into anyone who is pregnant, but being pregnant doesn't always equal a live baby in the end.
I just wonder when it will stop hurting. When hearing about someone's pregnancy will make me smile instead of cringe.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
v day
One year ago today, on February 14, 2011, I felt Aidan kick for the first time. I was suspicious of that little nudge at first, thinking it was just gas bubbles, but then it happened again, and I just knew it wasn't another gas bubble. And at least once a day until his death I felt that tiny little kick. I'd lay in bed, trying to feel for his kick. I knew it was very early to feel anything at all, but I tried, and loved it when I felt it (though I never felt it with my hand). I still get gas bubbles (funny.. I never noticed them before I was pregnant) and each one reminds me of him. Oh to feel his kick again..
Keith bought me flowers last year, as he does every year, and had them delivered to my office. This bouquet came with a bright red plastic heart necklace draped around the vase. I thought at the time how the necklace complemented the vase well (which was also a bright red) but what the heck was I going to do with a plastic heart necklace? I'm not a hoarder, but I have this thing with hanging on to special objects, and even though it was something I'd never use or wear, I knew I would keep it for at least a few years until I'd had enough of it. All because it was from Keith. Anyway... that plan changed and now I will keep that heart forever. Shortly after Aidan's death I bought a shadowbox for some of his mementos, like his "birth certificate" and hospital wristband that he never wore. The heart hangs within the shadow box, above his things, protecting them.
Funny how this little piece of plastic and a few gas bubbles are such strong reminders of my son.
Keith bought me flowers last year, as he does every year, and had them delivered to my office. This bouquet came with a bright red plastic heart necklace draped around the vase. I thought at the time how the necklace complemented the vase well (which was also a bright red) but what the heck was I going to do with a plastic heart necklace? I'm not a hoarder, but I have this thing with hanging on to special objects, and even though it was something I'd never use or wear, I knew I would keep it for at least a few years until I'd had enough of it. All because it was from Keith. Anyway... that plan changed and now I will keep that heart forever. Shortly after Aidan's death I bought a shadowbox for some of his mementos, like his "birth certificate" and hospital wristband that he never wore. The heart hangs within the shadow box, above his things, protecting them.
Funny how this little piece of plastic and a few gas bubbles are such strong reminders of my son.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
february
February is here. I know that's quite the obvious statement, but I've been dreading its arrival. Aidan was born in February, and in less than 20 days it will be his birthday.
February is my least favorite month of the year, and it has been since even before Aidan died. February is the month of gloom and depression. Winter has usually kicked in full force by now, several inches of snow blanket the ground, and you're not sure if you'll ever see a sunny day again. February is when seasonal affective disorder kicks in for me, when my saddest thoughts occupy my mind and make me just want to give up on everything. Aidan's death made February even worse.
Surprisingly we have had a very mild winter this year (so far). We've had some snow accumulate on the ground, but within the next day or so the sun comes out and melts it all away. I was actually smiling on my drive home from work Monday night because the night hadn't come yet, the sun was setting behind me, and the entire sky was painted in these glorious faded shades of a rainbow. It was so beautiful.
But it is still February and I am waiting for the winter to come and the depression to kick in. I have been thinking a lot about Aidan's birth/death/angel-day and what we should do. That day is already special in my mind, but I don't want to treat it as an ordinary day. I don't want to sit at home and do laundry and play computer games all day. I want to DO something. But... not with other people. Just me and Keith. I don't think I could show up to an event, hang out with friends or go to a party that day. Not yet, at least. A few months ago my coworker revealed that he, too, had lost a child. The day he told me this was the day of his son's angelversary. It seemed so strange that he was even there, at work, acting as if it were a normal day. Aidan's birthday is on a Sunday this year, which I am thankful for (no work, no commitments), but I would probably take the day off if it were on a workday. I then found out that my coworker's child died several years ago from a degenerative medical condition. He was 8 years old. So he's had a few years of angelversary practice. I was surprised to hear that he had lost a son too, but saddened as the list of friends and family who have lost a child (children) is ever-growing. We had a beer at the end of the day to celebrate his son's short life. I wonder if he did anything else to celebrate.. or mourn.. that day. I never asked. But I hope that someday I can make it through Aidan's birthday with the calm and ease that my coworker presented.
So what will we do? I want to do something that we can do every year. Turn it into a tradition. That no matter where we are or what our life has become, we can celebrate/mourn Aidan's life and death the same way each year. One thing I would really like to do is bake a cake. I've seen other babylost parents do this, and I think it's a fantastic idea. I love to bake and who doesn't have cake on their birthday? I think I've figured out what kind of cake to bake as well, but I'll leave that as a surprise in case I change my mind. I would like to go somewhere that day too.. even if it's just to a movie or out to dinner. Something we would have done as a family if he were still alive. Lastly, I would love it if *you* did something special on his birthday. Something in honor of Aidan. Light a candle, donate clothes or blankets or hats to a hospital, release a balloon, gaze at the sunrise or sunset, or just say a little prayer for him. Take a picture of it or tell me about what you did. Just knowing that someone else is out there thinking of him on his birthday means so much to me. My e-mail address is godess (at) comcast.net. (Yes, one d. It's lame, I know, but I've had it since middle school.) Aidan was born on February 26, 2011 at 7:09pm. Thank you to all who would like to celebrate his short life with me. I truly appreciate it.
February is my least favorite month of the year, and it has been since even before Aidan died. February is the month of gloom and depression. Winter has usually kicked in full force by now, several inches of snow blanket the ground, and you're not sure if you'll ever see a sunny day again. February is when seasonal affective disorder kicks in for me, when my saddest thoughts occupy my mind and make me just want to give up on everything. Aidan's death made February even worse.
Surprisingly we have had a very mild winter this year (so far). We've had some snow accumulate on the ground, but within the next day or so the sun comes out and melts it all away. I was actually smiling on my drive home from work Monday night because the night hadn't come yet, the sun was setting behind me, and the entire sky was painted in these glorious faded shades of a rainbow. It was so beautiful.
But it is still February and I am waiting for the winter to come and the depression to kick in. I have been thinking a lot about Aidan's birth/death/angel-day and what we should do. That day is already special in my mind, but I don't want to treat it as an ordinary day. I don't want to sit at home and do laundry and play computer games all day. I want to DO something. But... not with other people. Just me and Keith. I don't think I could show up to an event, hang out with friends or go to a party that day. Not yet, at least. A few months ago my coworker revealed that he, too, had lost a child. The day he told me this was the day of his son's angelversary. It seemed so strange that he was even there, at work, acting as if it were a normal day. Aidan's birthday is on a Sunday this year, which I am thankful for (no work, no commitments), but I would probably take the day off if it were on a workday. I then found out that my coworker's child died several years ago from a degenerative medical condition. He was 8 years old. So he's had a few years of angelversary practice. I was surprised to hear that he had lost a son too, but saddened as the list of friends and family who have lost a child (children) is ever-growing. We had a beer at the end of the day to celebrate his son's short life. I wonder if he did anything else to celebrate.. or mourn.. that day. I never asked. But I hope that someday I can make it through Aidan's birthday with the calm and ease that my coworker presented.
So what will we do? I want to do something that we can do every year. Turn it into a tradition. That no matter where we are or what our life has become, we can celebrate/mourn Aidan's life and death the same way each year. One thing I would really like to do is bake a cake. I've seen other babylost parents do this, and I think it's a fantastic idea. I love to bake and who doesn't have cake on their birthday? I think I've figured out what kind of cake to bake as well, but I'll leave that as a surprise in case I change my mind. I would like to go somewhere that day too.. even if it's just to a movie or out to dinner. Something we would have done as a family if he were still alive. Lastly, I would love it if *you* did something special on his birthday. Something in honor of Aidan. Light a candle, donate clothes or blankets or hats to a hospital, release a balloon, gaze at the sunrise or sunset, or just say a little prayer for him. Take a picture of it or tell me about what you did. Just knowing that someone else is out there thinking of him on his birthday means so much to me. My e-mail address is godess (at) comcast.net. (Yes, one d. It's lame, I know, but I've had it since middle school.) Aidan was born on February 26, 2011 at 7:09pm. Thank you to all who would like to celebrate his short life with me. I truly appreciate it.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
11 months
I'm feeling much better this month compared to the last ten. I'm still not pregnant (that I know of, at least) but.. I feel like I have hope again. Real hope. I don't know if it's just the start of a new year or what.
2011 was the worst year of my life, and it seems like such a blur now. The year started off so wonderfully, then Aidan died, and then... it's like I was in one of those movies or commercials where I'm standing still, but the world is whizzing by me in colorful streaks. And now we're here, almost to February, the month of Aidan's death. I don't know how I made it this long.
Over the weekend I put together a 2012 photo calendar, using a template from younghouselove.com. The idea is you are supposed to include one picture from each month of the previous year in your calendar. So the January 2012 page has a picture from January 2011, and so on. It's a cute idea and I had fun working on it. What amazes me is how much I did last year. In almost every month I had more than one event to choose pictures from, and when I finally narrowed it down to one event I still had soooo many to decide upon. February was the only month that I did not attend a single event, at least not one where I took pictures or have pictures. So.. I used Aidan's ultrasound picture. That's his month, anyway. And he's my son, part of our family, and deserves to be in my calendar. Our kitties didn't make it in.. surprisingly I did not take many pictures of them last year.I haven't printed the calendar yet, so maybe I'll go back and work them in somehow. Anyway, in case you're curious, here are some of the pages:
Since my photo collection from last year is so surprisingly large, I made a list of every major thing I did (and by I, I mean Keith too as he took part in practically all of these events as well)...
Traveled to New York City for work five times
Traveled to Los Angeles for work once
Traveled to Amsterdam for work/vacation
Traveled to Frankenmuth, Kansas City, Lewiston, San Francisco, Napa Valley, and Mackinac Island for vacation
Attended four weddings
Took a driving tour of Michigan to visit nine breweries
Keith got tattoo #2 (don't believe I ever posted a picture of this.. soon, soon.)
Rode in a hot air balloon for the first time
Learned how to crochet and made 7 blankets and 4 stuffed animals, among other things
Grew pumpkins in our back yard for the first time
Met my best friend's daughter and attended her baptism
Met my son and held his ashes
Only three of the above events occurred before Aidan died, and they were all work related. That's quite the accomplishment, isn't it? For someone who's just lost their child?
I also hung out with my friends, a lot. More so at the end of the year, but I still went. I cried, I laughed, I smiled. I found out how amazing and supportive they truly are. And my husband, who put up with my last minute event cancellations when I just could not compose myself, my endless crying, all of the depressed and angry days. He might not always get it, but he is truly my rock.
I wasn't planning on writing this much, but I guess I had to make up for several weeks of nothing. 2011 sucked, but just look at that list. I am amazed at myself.. I survived the year of hell. Next comes February, which I am a little apprehensive of, but I know it's coming whether I like it or not. I will save the rest for another post.
As always, my sweet Aidan, I love you so much. I wish I had memories of you sleeping, breathing, talking, playing, walking. All I can do is imagine. Oh if only I could live in my dreams.
2011 was the worst year of my life, and it seems like such a blur now. The year started off so wonderfully, then Aidan died, and then... it's like I was in one of those movies or commercials where I'm standing still, but the world is whizzing by me in colorful streaks. And now we're here, almost to February, the month of Aidan's death. I don't know how I made it this long.
Over the weekend I put together a 2012 photo calendar, using a template from younghouselove.com. The idea is you are supposed to include one picture from each month of the previous year in your calendar. So the January 2012 page has a picture from January 2011, and so on. It's a cute idea and I had fun working on it. What amazes me is how much I did last year. In almost every month I had more than one event to choose pictures from, and when I finally narrowed it down to one event I still had soooo many to decide upon. February was the only month that I did not attend a single event, at least not one where I took pictures or have pictures. So.. I used Aidan's ultrasound picture. That's his month, anyway. And he's my son, part of our family, and deserves to be in my calendar. Our kitties didn't make it in.. surprisingly I did not take many pictures of them last year.I haven't printed the calendar yet, so maybe I'll go back and work them in somehow. Anyway, in case you're curious, here are some of the pages:
Since my photo collection from last year is so surprisingly large, I made a list of every major thing I did (and by I, I mean Keith too as he took part in practically all of these events as well)...
Traveled to New York City for work five times
Traveled to Los Angeles for work once
Traveled to Amsterdam for work/vacation
Traveled to Frankenmuth, Kansas City, Lewiston, San Francisco, Napa Valley, and Mackinac Island for vacation
Attended four weddings
Took a driving tour of Michigan to visit nine breweries
Keith got tattoo #2 (don't believe I ever posted a picture of this.. soon, soon.)
Rode in a hot air balloon for the first time
Learned how to crochet and made 7 blankets and 4 stuffed animals, among other things
Grew pumpkins in our back yard for the first time
Met my best friend's daughter and attended her baptism
Met my son and held his ashes
Only three of the above events occurred before Aidan died, and they were all work related. That's quite the accomplishment, isn't it? For someone who's just lost their child?
I also hung out with my friends, a lot. More so at the end of the year, but I still went. I cried, I laughed, I smiled. I found out how amazing and supportive they truly are. And my husband, who put up with my last minute event cancellations when I just could not compose myself, my endless crying, all of the depressed and angry days. He might not always get it, but he is truly my rock.
I wasn't planning on writing this much, but I guess I had to make up for several weeks of nothing. 2011 sucked, but just look at that list. I am amazed at myself.. I survived the year of hell. Next comes February, which I am a little apprehensive of, but I know it's coming whether I like it or not. I will save the rest for another post.
As always, my sweet Aidan, I love you so much. I wish I had memories of you sleeping, breathing, talking, playing, walking. All I can do is imagine. Oh if only I could live in my dreams.
Monday, January 9, 2012
a new year
Hello, 2012. So far you are not as fantastic as how 2011 started, but you are definitely better than how it ended. I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried this year. Go me! Oh.. wait, it's only January 9. That's not much of an accomplishment, is it?
I don't really have any resolutions. I never make any, though. I figure that I shouldn't need a new year to start bettering myself.. I should do that on my own. Or perhaps I'm just lazy. Yeah, that's probably it.
I don't really have any resolutions. I never make any, though. I figure that I shouldn't need a new year to start bettering myself.. I should do that on my own. Or perhaps I'm just lazy. Yeah, that's probably it.
Over the holidays a lot of my family got together - which we haven't done in ages - so I of course took a bunch of pictures and posted them on facebook. A cousin who didn't attend this gathering commented on the album, saying he wished he could have been there. I'm sure he could have made it, but that's not the point. In another comment he randomly said, Oh, by the way, I'm engaged and I have a son named Aidan now. "Beautiful baby boy" were his exact words. I kind of figured he had a son since I tend to stalk people on facebook and I saw a bunch of pictures of him with a little boy, so it wasn't much of a shock to hear the news, but why did he post it as a comment on one of my albums? Does he not know about my Aidan? Perhaps he doesn't. I don't plaster facebook with my grief.. The people who know about my Aidan are the ones who were told by my family and friends. Or the ones who saw my.. what.. 2 statuses? Anyway.... I kind of want to comment back on my album and say "Hey, guess what, I had a son too. His name is also Aidan. But he died." Would that be inappropriate?
Sometimes I still want to shout to the world and proclaim that he died. To let everyone know that it still sucks, life is not perfect, I'm still grieving, and then command them to treasure every single happy moment they have because you never know when life will turn to shit. But don't throw your happiness in my face because I can't handle that. I still enjoy hiding and protecting myself from the things that hurt me. The people that hurt me. The comments and the lack of comments. I know you don't know what to say to me, and you're afraid that you'll hurt me or make me cry, but if you're thinking it then SAY IT. Who cares if I cry? It's not like I haven't cried in public before. My biggest issue with crying in public is that I can't talk.. because I can't get the words out and because I sound stupid (cracking, high-pitched, wailing voice.. yeah not so good). So I just sit there and nod my head with my mouth shut and tears streaming down my face. Anyway, the point is...
I'm rambling. That's what the point is. Just getting these thoughts out there. Perhaps I should be more vocal in person.. not online.. about my thoughts and feelings. That could be a resolution for me. Nah, screw resolutions. Let's just make it a step towards bettering myself. 2012: The year of betterment.
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