2013 is 12 hours away so I figured I should get one last post in before the new year...
I miss Aidan every day. I cry for him. I gaze at his ashes and his ornament on our tree and am overwhelmed by the fact that he is not here for what should be his second Christmas and new year.
But.
I am so in love with my daughter. I am so thankful that she is here. She is alive.. she is healthy.. she is a smiley, happy, wonderful baby and my life is so much better with her in it.
How can it be possible to be so happy and so sad at the same time?
Regardless, the holidays went wonderfully this year. I got to enjoy them (as much as I could) and show off our beautiful daughter to my friends and family. Everyone loves her, practically as much as we do, and it is just amazing to see the joy in *their* faces when she smiles.
Overall I would have to say that 2012 was a good year.. it started off terribly and there were several rough patches but we made it through. We have a new years day party to attend tomorrow.. last year I locked myself in the bathroom and cried because I couldn't handle the sight and sound of my cousin's 1-year old. I assume she and her newborn (just 10 days older than Enora) will be there again this year. I don't think I will lock myself in the bathroom this time.
Sometimes while feeding or holding her Enora will just smile. Sometimes at me, but often times she will be looking off into the corner of our living room where Aidan's ashes are. Last night she was smiling at our Christmas tree. I kept looking over my shoulder, hoping to get a glimpse of whatever was bringing her joy - could it be Aidan? my grandpa who passed in July? my uncle? grandma? nonno? - but I saw nothing. All I saw was the beautiful smile on her face and I really hope it was one (or all or any) of them saying "hello."
I am looking forward to 2013. I am looking forward to watching my daughter grow up and bask in her innocence. Every smile makes me love her even more...though every smile makes me wish her older brother were here to laugh and smile with her, to play and teach her things only a brother could. 2013 will teach us how to be a better family - the three of us on earth and Aidan in our hearts. We will learn and grow and we'll try to enjoy this year instead of fear it.
I welcome you with open arms, 2013, and thank you, 2012, for the change you brought. My heart will never truly heal, but I'm thankful for my little ray of sunshine who brought some light into my life.
I was wondering if you were going to post here after Enora was born. Thank you for sharing how the close of 2012 felt. I hadn't gotten a chance to talk about this with you in person, and now I know.
ReplyDeletePS: You're not the only one in love with that baby girl. :)