7 months

Today marks 7 months since we lost Aidan.

I no longer imagine myself pregnant with him, yet I still yearn to be pregnant with him.. heck to be pregnant at all. Seeing pregnant women and glowing new moms with their babies still causes a knot to form in my stomach and that familiar anxiety to creep up on me. The same occurs when hearing about successful births (damn you facebook...).

But instead of imagining myself pregnant I now imagine myself holding our sweet baby boy in my arms. Alive. Everywhere I go I imagine what I would be doing if he were still here. How things would be different.

At the housewarming on Saturday I would have brought him in, snuggled in his carrier, and everyone would have oohed and aahed at this new life Keith and I created. I probably would have had to sneak away into a bathroom or behind a closed door so I could breastfeed him. Maybe we would leave early if he was being fussy.

Yesterday he would have attended the baptism of his future girlfriend and he probably would have cried like all of the other children and I would have had to take him outside and calm him down and tell him everything is alright, the scary church people won't bite.

At work I would have a pack and play set up in my office where he could nap and play while I helped our customers. I'd make sure to bring him in on Mondays and Wednesdays when the receptionist is in because I know she would love to see him.

Every event.

Everywhere.

He should be here.

And I imagine every second of it.

Like I'm living in another dimension. Oh how I wish.



Love and miss you as always, Aidan.

grief

Getting my period has become a process of grieving.

1. Denial.  That spotting I noticed yesterday? Oh that must have been implantation bleeding, for sure!. And those cramps? Yeah that must be my uterus starting to expand as it prepares for a new baby!
2. Anger. WTF! Is that really my period starting? No! I am putting my foot down this time, body! NO! How dare you start! And early, too!
3. Bargaining. I swear that I'll do everything right during my pregnancy if you promise that you're just pretending to be a real period! It's just hormones, right?  I won't eat lunch meat! I won't breathe when I'm driving behind smelly trucks! I'll only sleep on my left side!
4. Depression. why? again? what did i do wrong? i thought we did everything right... and now we have to go through this for yet another month? why do you hate me, world?  i'm going to go hide in a hole now and cry myself to sleep.
5. Acceptance. Days later...I guess I'm really not pregnant this month. fuck. Ok, let's do everything right this time. Exercise, eat right, chart temps..it's gotta work next month, for sure!

And the cycle repeats itself. Over and over and over again.

planning ahead

I can't do it. I have the hardest time planning ahead for anything nowadays.

A few days ago my boss? manager? person asked me what my plans were for my future in the company. My first thought: I don't know. Second: um, to continue working?  Third: Why?   His response: "Well, you were pregnant and I don't know if you're going to do it again but what do you want to do? Be full time? Part time? Stay in this position...?"

Ummmm. I don't know. I started rambling off a bunch of things.. Like I'd like to stay where I am for now as manager of the support team. I could take on more responsibility or less or whatever (just please don't be firing me right now!). As for the future? I have no clue. I told him that I honestly cannot plan for the future anymore. I would like to continue working here, of course, and I have no plans of leaving. If we magically get pregnant again and I have a baby and it lives then I could do part time or bring the kid in to work or if things go differently then I might have to be a stay at home mom... I really just don't know.

The future feels so uncertain now. I can't say for sure what I'll be doing 5 years from now or a year from now or even next week.  I thought I was going to deliver a live baby in August, but instead I delivered a dead baby in February.  I've learned that your future can change at the drop of a hat.

So when someone asks me to hang out next weekend or go on a trip or what my plans are for x day, I have a hard time responding. I'm actually a little shocked at first - like, you expect me to plan that far ahead? To know what I'm doing that day?  Then I start thinking of that day and what my situation might be that day.. Will I be pregnant? Is that a "special" day and will I be extra emotional? If so, how will that affect the day? Will I want to attend that event?  Who will be there or how many? Is my anxiety going to flare up and will I be able tolerate being around that many people? Or can I handle seeing that one person?

There are so many factors involved that sometimes just thinking about the event will get me worked up.

I need time, too. I went to a wedding last weekend and was very rushed for time because it was far away and we had to leave "early" for it. My hair dryer died the day before so I had to run out and buy one in the morning and I ended up not having enough time to do my hair so I threw it in a ponytail. Very classy for a wedding (especially one that I was part of). Then I was searching for a wrap that I wanted to bring in case it got cold and I couldn't find it and I just about broke down as we were heading out the door. Holding back tears because I couldn't find a wrap and couldn't curl my hair. I'm a procrastinator and I like sleeping in, so giving myself ample time to get anything done without feeling rushed takes a lot of effort or a lot of hours.

Then there's the downtime. If too many events are scheduled close together I will freak out because I NEED time to cool down and relax, to work on my crochet or catch up on a tv show. I honestly get anxiety about finishing my crochet projects. If I don't get time to work on them then the anxiety just keeps building up and then it's all I can think about. Crochet is my drug. Or my anti-drug?  So there's yet another factor that has to considered when planning ahead: Need time for crochet.

Ugh. I feel like a mess. I don't like last minute things, but if you ask me too far in advance I have trouble thinking ahead. Can't have too many events close together, but I am definitely still ok with being a hermit and not seeing anyone. Sorry, friends. What do I think the future will hold? No clue. Tomorrow? Forgetaboutit.

Just breathe. just breathe.

busy busy

I have a few posts in my head that I want to write, but I just don't have time. It takes me forever to get the words down just right, and even then they're not always right or I've forgotten something that I really wanted to say. I have been very busy these past few weeks. Mostly due to me venturing out into the world again.  I guess that's a good thing.  Oh, and work. Work has been crazy.

I had to hide my cousin on facebook today. Oh and number.. I don't remember had her child a week ago or so.  I don't even know if it's a boy or girl. Is that bad? Nah.

Ok that's it for now. Back to the grind.

sleeping sickness

I heard this song on the radio the other day. It's been out for years but I forgot about it and how much I like it. Did I mention how much I love 89x?


This is not necessarily how I feel right now (or anymore?), so don't get all worried or anything. I just like the song, k?  Although I have been sleeping very poorly lately, so I do relate.


And by lately, I mean I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. Or the last time I haven't wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day. Or an hour after I've woken up.


Anyway... without further ado.. here's the song:

Sleeping Sickness by City and Colour feat. Gordon Downie

the white ellipse

It's September.

wtf? 

Where did time go?

Six months, man. I didn't write a huge post on Aidan's 6 month *day.  I couldn't find the words. There are too many.  That was a sad day, though, as is every day. But I wrote a poem in honor of it.  I haven't written a poem since high school so don't judge me.



The white ellipse
Full of promise
Full of hope

Time passes
The secondhand ticks away

Suddenly
A single pink line
Solemn, resolute
Slowly darkening to a deep fuchsia

Beautiful
It commands attention
But is missing its partner

Time passes again
Agonizing minutes

There is nothing
Just white
Glaringly bright

Hope is lost
Dreams are shattered

Maybe next month