7 months

Today marks 7 months since we lost Aidan.

I no longer imagine myself pregnant with him, yet I still yearn to be pregnant with him.. heck to be pregnant at all. Seeing pregnant women and glowing new moms with their babies still causes a knot to form in my stomach and that familiar anxiety to creep up on me. The same occurs when hearing about successful births (damn you facebook...).

But instead of imagining myself pregnant I now imagine myself holding our sweet baby boy in my arms. Alive. Everywhere I go I imagine what I would be doing if he were still here. How things would be different.

At the housewarming on Saturday I would have brought him in, snuggled in his carrier, and everyone would have oohed and aahed at this new life Keith and I created. I probably would have had to sneak away into a bathroom or behind a closed door so I could breastfeed him. Maybe we would leave early if he was being fussy.

Yesterday he would have attended the baptism of his future girlfriend and he probably would have cried like all of the other children and I would have had to take him outside and calm him down and tell him everything is alright, the scary church people won't bite.

At work I would have a pack and play set up in my office where he could nap and play while I helped our customers. I'd make sure to bring him in on Mondays and Wednesdays when the receptionist is in because I know she would love to see him.

Every event.

Everywhere.

He should be here.

And I imagine every second of it.

Like I'm living in another dimension. Oh how I wish.



Love and miss you as always, Aidan.