planning ahead

I can't do it. I have the hardest time planning ahead for anything nowadays.

A few days ago my boss? manager? person asked me what my plans were for my future in the company. My first thought: I don't know. Second: um, to continue working?  Third: Why?   His response: "Well, you were pregnant and I don't know if you're going to do it again but what do you want to do? Be full time? Part time? Stay in this position...?"

Ummmm. I don't know. I started rambling off a bunch of things.. Like I'd like to stay where I am for now as manager of the support team. I could take on more responsibility or less or whatever (just please don't be firing me right now!). As for the future? I have no clue. I told him that I honestly cannot plan for the future anymore. I would like to continue working here, of course, and I have no plans of leaving. If we magically get pregnant again and I have a baby and it lives then I could do part time or bring the kid in to work or if things go differently then I might have to be a stay at home mom... I really just don't know.

The future feels so uncertain now. I can't say for sure what I'll be doing 5 years from now or a year from now or even next week.  I thought I was going to deliver a live baby in August, but instead I delivered a dead baby in February.  I've learned that your future can change at the drop of a hat.

So when someone asks me to hang out next weekend or go on a trip or what my plans are for x day, I have a hard time responding. I'm actually a little shocked at first - like, you expect me to plan that far ahead? To know what I'm doing that day?  Then I start thinking of that day and what my situation might be that day.. Will I be pregnant? Is that a "special" day and will I be extra emotional? If so, how will that affect the day? Will I want to attend that event?  Who will be there or how many? Is my anxiety going to flare up and will I be able tolerate being around that many people? Or can I handle seeing that one person?

There are so many factors involved that sometimes just thinking about the event will get me worked up.

I need time, too. I went to a wedding last weekend and was very rushed for time because it was far away and we had to leave "early" for it. My hair dryer died the day before so I had to run out and buy one in the morning and I ended up not having enough time to do my hair so I threw it in a ponytail. Very classy for a wedding (especially one that I was part of). Then I was searching for a wrap that I wanted to bring in case it got cold and I couldn't find it and I just about broke down as we were heading out the door. Holding back tears because I couldn't find a wrap and couldn't curl my hair. I'm a procrastinator and I like sleeping in, so giving myself ample time to get anything done without feeling rushed takes a lot of effort or a lot of hours.

Then there's the downtime. If too many events are scheduled close together I will freak out because I NEED time to cool down and relax, to work on my crochet or catch up on a tv show. I honestly get anxiety about finishing my crochet projects. If I don't get time to work on them then the anxiety just keeps building up and then it's all I can think about. Crochet is my drug. Or my anti-drug?  So there's yet another factor that has to considered when planning ahead: Need time for crochet.

Ugh. I feel like a mess. I don't like last minute things, but if you ask me too far in advance I have trouble thinking ahead. Can't have too many events close together, but I am definitely still ok with being a hermit and not seeing anyone. Sorry, friends. What do I think the future will hold? No clue. Tomorrow? Forgetaboutit.

Just breathe. just breathe.