don't hope.
don't dream.
don't wish.
don't imagine.
don't expect anything but the worst.
then maybe it won't hurt so much.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
another birthday
happy birthday to me.
happy birthday to me.
happy birthday dear self (and the two others at work who stole my thunder and share my birthday).
happy birthday to me.
happy birthday to me.
happy birthday dear self (and the two others at work who stole my thunder and share my birthday).
happy birthday to me.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
5 months
We're getting closer and closer to Aidan's due date. I don't feel as anxious about nearing this day as I thought I would, but who knows what I'll be like on the actual day. It still makes me cry to sit here and think about it.
I've heard a couple songs on the radio lately that are about loss - not babyloss in particular but just losing a loved one in general. I really like the lyrics and the music, although I like the 2nd one (below) better because it's more my style.
Bleeker Ridge - You Would've Liked It
Avenged Sevenfold - So Far Away
I feel like they both touch on a lot of my feelings.. wishing for what should have been but also trying to accept that he's gone and saying goodbye.
Happy 5 month angelversary, Aidan. I love you!!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
two week countdown
I've been putting off writing this post for a while, but I guess today seems like a good day to do it.
Today is one week from my 28th birthday.
Today is two weeks from Aidan's due date.
I keep imagining myself with a large, pregnant belly. What would I be doing if I were still pregnant? How would I be feeling? How many awesomely cute summer maternity shirts would I have bought?
It all makes me sad. Maybe I shouldn't think about that stuff but I do. How can I not? I'm sure once we get to his due date and past it all I will think about is what life would have been like with him alive.
What should we do on his due date? I want to do something.. to commemorate him.. or something. Or maybe I shouldn't be commemorating what should have been. Keith doesn't think we should do anything special until February 26 - that's Aidan's day. I don't know. I've looked up some things that others have done.. like releasing balloons with messages written on them or visiting his grave (which I get to look at and talk to every day since his ashes are sitting on our living room side table). Maybe we'll finally finish what we started with his final resting place (which I kind of mentioned in this post).
Is it wrong to do something on his due date? Or bad for my mental health or however you want to put it?
I wish this would get easier.
Today is one week from my 28th birthday.
Today is two weeks from Aidan's due date.
I keep imagining myself with a large, pregnant belly. What would I be doing if I were still pregnant? How would I be feeling? How many awesomely cute summer maternity shirts would I have bought?
It all makes me sad. Maybe I shouldn't think about that stuff but I do. How can I not? I'm sure once we get to his due date and past it all I will think about is what life would have been like with him alive.
What should we do on his due date? I want to do something.. to commemorate him.. or something. Or maybe I shouldn't be commemorating what should have been. Keith doesn't think we should do anything special until February 26 - that's Aidan's day. I don't know. I've looked up some things that others have done.. like releasing balloons with messages written on them or visiting his grave (which I get to look at and talk to every day since his ashes are sitting on our living room side table). Maybe we'll finally finish what we started with his final resting place (which I kind of mentioned in this post).
Is it wrong to do something on his due date? Or bad for my mental health or however you want to put it?
I wish this would get easier.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
a vacation
Keith and I went to Napa Valley last week for a last minute vacation. Last minute, as in we planned it the week before. Since I travel so much for work I've accrued a ton of points for hotels and airlines over the years, and this allowed us to travel and stay for F-R-E-E! We still had to pay for a car rental and souvenirs (aka a buttload of wine), but we came out cheap compared to some of our other vacations.
It was a good trip. We spent our first night (Wednesday) in San Francisco and got to walk around Fisherman's wharf and ride a trolley (yes, Keith did sing the rice-a-roni song over and over again).
On Thursday we got a car and drove up to Santa Rosa (we got to drive over the Golden Gate Bridge!)...
stopping at Lagunitas and Russian River brewing companies...
...then drove through some crazy mountain roads to get to Napa.
We checked into our hotel (the Embassy Suites - fantastic) and ended the day with some dinner at a wine bar in Napa, who happens to sell a standard size bottle of wine for $1,695.00. No joke. The wine maker is Screaming Eagle. Crazy, no?
There's one highway that we took pretty much everywhere in Napa - CA-29. I call that winery road because every where you look there's a winery, all right next to each other. Lining both sides of the road you'll see thousands of grapevines carefully tied up - some are allowed to overgrow and some appear to be trimmed and maintained. Keith even tasted a grape off one of the vines, but since it's so early in the season it was bitter.
Early Friday morning we headed back into the mountains and got a tour of Cain winery. They have some delicious wines and the air up there was so crisp and fresh. Our tour group consisted of the guide, another couple, and us. That's it. I liked how intimate it was and we weren't lost amongst a giant crowd.
We headed back down the mountain after that and visited V. Sattui...
...and Ferrari-Carano.
We chose to take a nap after that since we had to wake up so early to make our tour that morning. We had planned to get up around 7 for dinner, but we were so tired we hit the snooze and slept until the next morning!
Rested and ready to go the next day, we hit up 5 different wineries: Franciscan, Folie a Deux, Prager Port House, Del Dotto (the old caves), and Alpha and Omega. They all had some fantastic wines, and we brought home at least two bottles from each place.
Folie a Deux makes a red wine called Menage a Trois, which is pretty much our go-to wine for get togethers and just hanging out at home.
Prager was a nice surprise - we had never heard about them before but they make some great ports. Their tasting room was quite fantastic as well - it was covered in currency from all over the world!
Del Dotto was fun because we got to tour their old caves and taste wine straight from the barrel. We had a larger tour group this time but it was still small enough that you didn't feel left out.
Dinner that night was at a vegetarian restaurant called Ubuntu. It was FANTASTIC! All of their vegetables are grown locally and you can really tell how fresh everything was. We ordered a four-course meal full of surprises from the chef. My favorite was the 3rd course which consisted of organic grits and beans and other deliciousness. I could eat that stuff every day.
On Sunday we drove the 1.2 hours back to the San Francisco airport and headed home, our suitcases full of wine and beer.
All in all, it really was a good trip. It was nice to get away from the stressors of work and just relax a bit. My mood is still going up and down (happy some days and sad the next) and I haven't been sleeping well, but so far this week I've been feeling ok.. almost considering doing something crazy.. but we shall see about that. So there you have it.. a happier post for a change.
p.s. Huge thanks go out to Tracy for sending me info about her trip to Napa!
It was a good trip. We spent our first night (Wednesday) in San Francisco and got to walk around Fisherman's wharf and ride a trolley (yes, Keith did sing the rice-a-roni song over and over again).
San Francisco at night
on the trolley
On Thursday we got a car and drove up to Santa Rosa (we got to drive over the Golden Gate Bridge!)...
stopping at Lagunitas and Russian River brewing companies...
Russian River has a huge sampler!
...then drove through some crazy mountain roads to get to Napa.
We checked into our hotel (the Embassy Suites - fantastic) and ended the day with some dinner at a wine bar in Napa, who happens to sell a standard size bottle of wine for $1,695.00. No joke. The wine maker is Screaming Eagle. Crazy, no?
There's one highway that we took pretty much everywhere in Napa - CA-29. I call that winery road because every where you look there's a winery, all right next to each other. Lining both sides of the road you'll see thousands of grapevines carefully tied up - some are allowed to overgrow and some appear to be trimmed and maintained. Keith even tasted a grape off one of the vines, but since it's so early in the season it was bitter.
imagine these everywhere
Early Friday morning we headed back into the mountains and got a tour of Cain winery. They have some delicious wines and the air up there was so crisp and fresh. Our tour group consisted of the guide, another couple, and us. That's it. I liked how intimate it was and we weren't lost amongst a giant crowd.
yummmmm
We headed back down the mountain after that and visited V. Sattui...
...and Ferrari-Carano.
They have a few grapevines...
We chose to take a nap after that since we had to wake up so early to make our tour that morning. We had planned to get up around 7 for dinner, but we were so tired we hit the snooze and slept until the next morning!
Rested and ready to go the next day, we hit up 5 different wineries: Franciscan, Folie a Deux, Prager Port House, Del Dotto (the old caves), and Alpha and Omega. They all had some fantastic wines, and we brought home at least two bottles from each place.
Folie a Deux makes a red wine called Menage a Trois, which is pretty much our go-to wine for get togethers and just hanging out at home.
Prager was a nice surprise - we had never heard about them before but they make some great ports. Their tasting room was quite fantastic as well - it was covered in currency from all over the world!
Part of a wall at Prager. Even the ceilings and staircase were covered!
Del Dotto was fun because we got to tour their old caves and taste wine straight from the barrel. We had a larger tour group this time but it was still small enough that you didn't feel left out.
Barrels of wine
Dinner that night was at a vegetarian restaurant called Ubuntu. It was FANTASTIC! All of their vegetables are grown locally and you can really tell how fresh everything was. We ordered a four-course meal full of surprises from the chef. My favorite was the 3rd course which consisted of organic grits and beans and other deliciousness. I could eat that stuff every day.
The grits don't look like much but they were soooo good!
On Sunday we drove the 1.2 hours back to the San Francisco airport and headed home, our suitcases full of wine and beer.
p.s. Huge thanks go out to Tracy for sending me info about her trip to Napa!
Monday, July 11, 2011
colonized
I just got back from the doctor. My body is awesome.
We know that my thyroid level changed (again) so I'm going back to a higher dosage of fake thyroid.
My vitamin D is low so I need to get some more sunshine or drink some milk.
The bacterial vaginosis that started this whole mess is gone.
Apparently my body missed having something stupid hanging out down there so it replaced the bacterial vaginosis with group B strep.
I have no symptoms of this (which is normal) and that means I am now "colonized," according to a pamphlet my doctor gave me.
This is normal, folks, so don't go crazy. Read up on it if you like.
Yes.. they can treat me for this right now if I wanted. Then it will be gone.. for now. It could come back, and then the bacteria will be that much more resistant to antibiotics. My doctor wants me to call my OBGYN to see what they want to do (which I will do in the morning since they are closed for the day). Her opinion is to just let it be and they'll treat it whenever a baby is actually exiting through my vagina again. Not her words.
There really aren't any health risks in it for me, other than maybe a UTI or a uterus infection (that sounds pleasant), but if I do get pregnant again I could pass this loveliness onto my newborn (even if I'm treated during delivery), and there's a 5% chance that newborn could die if it gets infected.
5%? Psh. That's nothing, right?
Nothing.. considering I only had a 1% chance of miscarrying after reaching 16 weeks, and look what happened.
So, IF I get pregnant again, IF I don't get any stupid diseases, IF I don't miscarry due to genetics or whatever else and IF I actually make it to full term, I now have THIS to worry about.
Thank you, body. Let's keep everything else in line, ok?
We know that my thyroid level changed (again) so I'm going back to a higher dosage of fake thyroid.
My vitamin D is low so I need to get some more sunshine or drink some milk.
The bacterial vaginosis that started this whole mess is gone.
Apparently my body missed having something stupid hanging out down there so it replaced the bacterial vaginosis with group B strep.
I have no symptoms of this (which is normal) and that means I am now "colonized," according to a pamphlet my doctor gave me.
This is normal, folks, so don't go crazy. Read up on it if you like.
Yes.. they can treat me for this right now if I wanted. Then it will be gone.. for now. It could come back, and then the bacteria will be that much more resistant to antibiotics. My doctor wants me to call my OBGYN to see what they want to do (which I will do in the morning since they are closed for the day). Her opinion is to just let it be and they'll treat it whenever a baby is actually exiting through my vagina again. Not her words.
There really aren't any health risks in it for me, other than maybe a UTI or a uterus infection (that sounds pleasant), but if I do get pregnant again I could pass this loveliness onto my newborn (even if I'm treated during delivery), and there's a 5% chance that newborn could die if it gets infected.
5%? Psh. That's nothing, right?
Nothing.. considering I only had a 1% chance of miscarrying after reaching 16 weeks, and look what happened.
So, IF I get pregnant again, IF I don't get any stupid diseases, IF I don't miscarry due to genetics or whatever else and IF I actually make it to full term, I now have THIS to worry about.
Thank you, body. Let's keep everything else in line, ok?
Friday, July 8, 2011
semi truck
Before I got pregnant with Aidan, I played coed indoor soccer with a nice group of people. I had been playing soccer for years - since 4th grade actually - but I stopped playing my senior year of high school (due to some stupid coach politics). I picked it up again in college when a friend needed another girl on his indoor team, and I played with that group for years. Team members came and went and we didn't always have a great season, but for the most part we had a great time.
One of my teammates, A, was a fantastic soccer player. He was so fast and had great ball handling skills (that's not meant to be perverted!) and was just a nice guy in general. Sometimes his girlfriend, K, would come to watch the games. She never played, but every now and then she would bring their dog (a pit bull?) to the game too. I didn't know them very well, but I never really tried to get to know them. Anyway, I did know that A worked for a courier company called Reliable something. I think they're based out of Ohio, where A lives, and I was always impressed that he drove all the way up here just for a soccer game.
A few seasons ago our team kind of disbanded. People were doing other things in their lives which just weren't compatible with playing on our team (several of them played on more than one team). Also, after someone stepped down from being the team manager, no one else wanted to step up, including me. I was a little sad that our team broke up, but it also meant I had more free time and didn't have to play any more 11pm games. We were also going to start trying for a baby soon so I figured the timing had just worked out well.
Time passed. A and his girlfriend K got engaged and soon married. I got pregnant with Aidan, and shortly thereafter K got pregnant too. (I only know this from word of mouth/slight facebook stalking - I'm friends with A but not K on fb (er.. should I say was, since I canceled my account?))
Then my body decided it hated me, got an infection, made my waters break too early, and Aidan died as a result. This blog got started, and everything else that's happened since that day is now up here.
Except for this morning.
This morning, while driving to work, I passed by a big semi truck with the words "Reliable Courier & Delivery" written on the side. I'm not sure if this is the company A worked for, but how many other "Reliable" delivery companies do you know of? My train of thought went kind of like this..
::acknowledge the word Reliable on truck::
::i know someone who works for a company with that name::
::A::
::A is married to K::
::K is pregnant::
::K got pregnant after i got pregnant::
::as far as i know, K is still pregnant::
::i am not still pregnant::
::i had my son, way too early, and he died::
::Aidan::
::insert hundreds of thoughts similar to the ones you've read on this blog::
::sadness::
::::
::hours later, posts like the previous one will emerge::
::more sadness::
::::
And that's how a semi truck can make me cry.
One of my teammates, A, was a fantastic soccer player. He was so fast and had great ball handling skills (that's not meant to be perverted!) and was just a nice guy in general. Sometimes his girlfriend, K, would come to watch the games. She never played, but every now and then she would bring their dog (a pit bull?) to the game too. I didn't know them very well, but I never really tried to get to know them. Anyway, I did know that A worked for a courier company called Reliable something. I think they're based out of Ohio, where A lives, and I was always impressed that he drove all the way up here just for a soccer game.
A few seasons ago our team kind of disbanded. People were doing other things in their lives which just weren't compatible with playing on our team (several of them played on more than one team). Also, after someone stepped down from being the team manager, no one else wanted to step up, including me. I was a little sad that our team broke up, but it also meant I had more free time and didn't have to play any more 11pm games. We were also going to start trying for a baby soon so I figured the timing had just worked out well.
Time passed. A and his girlfriend K got engaged and soon married. I got pregnant with Aidan, and shortly thereafter K got pregnant too. (I only know this from word of mouth/slight facebook stalking - I'm friends with A but not K on fb (er.. should I say was, since I canceled my account?))
Then my body decided it hated me, got an infection, made my waters break too early, and Aidan died as a result. This blog got started, and everything else that's happened since that day is now up here.
Except for this morning.
This morning, while driving to work, I passed by a big semi truck with the words "Reliable Courier & Delivery" written on the side. I'm not sure if this is the company A worked for, but how many other "Reliable" delivery companies do you know of? My train of thought went kind of like this..
::acknowledge the word Reliable on truck::
::i know someone who works for a company with that name::
::A::
::A is married to K::
::K is pregnant::
::K got pregnant after i got pregnant::
::as far as i know, K is still pregnant::
::i am not still pregnant::
::i had my son, way too early, and he died::
::Aidan::
::insert hundreds of thoughts similar to the ones you've read on this blog::
::sadness::
::::
::hours later, posts like the previous one will emerge::
::more sadness::
::::
And that's how a semi truck can make me cry.
them
I think about them a lot. I don't want to, but I do. Sometimes my mind just wanders or I'll see or read something that makes me think of them, and then I'm sad.
I get this butterflies in my stomach type of feeling. Like I'm anxious. Yeah. I get anxiety just thinking about people who I don't talk to or haven't spoken to in a while.
S who had her son in February (or was it march?)
J#1 who had her baby girl in April (or May?)
J#2 who had her third son in April (or May?)
C who had a baby boy sometime throughout all of this
L's wife whom I've never met had her child in April
T who had the unplanned baby boy in May.
J#3 who had her baby girl at the end of May
F who is due at the end of August
L who is due late summer
K who is also due late summer or maybe in the fall
V who is due in October (I think)
Who knows who else is out there. Who knows who else I missed.
I think of all of them. I am not one of them. They have what I don't. They have what I lost.
It hurts.
I get this butterflies in my stomach type of feeling. Like I'm anxious. Yeah. I get anxiety just thinking about people who I don't talk to or haven't spoken to in a while.
S who had her son in February (or was it march?)
J#1 who had her baby girl in April (or May?)
J#2 who had her third son in April (or May?)
C who had a baby boy sometime throughout all of this
L's wife whom I've never met had her child in April
T who had the unplanned baby boy in May.
J#3 who had her baby girl at the end of May
F who is due at the end of August
L who is due late summer
K who is also due late summer or maybe in the fall
V who is due in October (I think)
Who knows who else is out there. Who knows who else I missed.
I think of all of them. I am not one of them. They have what I don't. They have what I lost.
It hurts.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
progress?
I survived yet another event surrounded by people.
Keith's birthday went quite well. We had an unexpected but quite welcome number of friends show up. Our evening started off at a brewery in Plymouth, then we made our way next door for some food and (more) drinks and finally we ended up at an Irish pub for (even more) drinks. We met new people, saw friends we haven't seen in forever, and coincidentally met up with other friends who were in town from New York. Keith got to wear his new kilt (yup, you read that right..www.utilikilts.com) and he had a really good time.
I, surprisingly, had a decent time. I wasn't overwhelmed by all of the people, I talked to Jenn (gasp!) and.. drumroll please...
I didn't cry!
That, actually, is quite the accomplishment for me, because the past several times I've gone out, I've cried. Restaurants, bars, movie theaters, people's homes, you name it. So. High five to me.
Will I be spending more time hanging out with people? Hmm. Probably not. I'll see some folks this Saturday and I'll see pretty much the same folks two Saturdays after that (craft circle, anyone?) and, well, that's about it. Keith and I have our respective alumni picnics coming up at the end of the month. too. I suppose we should go to those. Oh. sigh. That made me think of who would potentially be there and that makes me sad. ugh. great.
i was doing so well. good night.
Keith's birthday went quite well. We had an unexpected but quite welcome number of friends show up. Our evening started off at a brewery in Plymouth, then we made our way next door for some food and (more) drinks and finally we ended up at an Irish pub for (even more) drinks. We met new people, saw friends we haven't seen in forever, and coincidentally met up with other friends who were in town from New York. Keith got to wear his new kilt (yup, you read that right..www.utilikilts.com) and he had a really good time.
I, surprisingly, had a decent time. I wasn't overwhelmed by all of the people, I talked to Jenn (gasp!) and.. drumroll please...
I didn't cry!
That, actually, is quite the accomplishment for me, because the past several times I've gone out, I've cried. Restaurants, bars, movie theaters, people's homes, you name it. So. High five to me.
Will I be spending more time hanging out with people? Hmm. Probably not. I'll see some folks this Saturday and I'll see pretty much the same folks two Saturdays after that (craft circle, anyone?) and, well, that's about it. Keith and I have our respective alumni picnics coming up at the end of the month. too. I suppose we should go to those. Oh. sigh. That made me think of who would potentially be there and that makes me sad. ugh. great.
i was doing so well. good night.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
a birthday
Today is July 2.
Today is my husband's 33rd birthday.
We are celebrating today. Heck, we're celebrating all weekend. Dinner out last night, dinner and drinks tonight, 4th of July bbq tomorrow (with presents) and who knows on Monday (the real 4th of July).
I have very much been caught up in my own thoughts and feelings lately. I have not put a lot of thought towards Keith's birthday and I feel bad about it. I mean, I bought him presents, but he pretty much planned our evening out, as I am not on fb anymore and therefore don't have an easy way to invite people to events. We should have a good time, though. Or, he should have a good time at least. I'll make sure he has a good time. I am.. nervous, though. As usual.
This is just another event where I am forced to see people. I've been quite content with my not-seeing-people this past week. It's been nice, except for when I had to venture out in the world, because every where I go there is a pregnant person or a brand new baby, constantly reminding me that I am not pregnant anymore and Aidan is dead.
I know that being a hermit is probably not the best thing to do, but it's what makes me comfortable right now. I just want to shelter myself from all of the happiness that others are experiencing, I guess.
Seeing Jenn will be hard. And Nick. I'm sorry we haven't seen Hangover 2 yet. I just.. well.. I don't want to see you two because it hurts so much.. it hurts so much just thinking about.. everything. i'm sorry.
So... Keith's birthday. #33. Like Kris Draper. It's a good number, one that I am very fond of (are you out there, Sandi?). I hope it's a lucky number for us. A lucky year, perhaps. Maybe a year in which we'll get pregnant again, and perhaps have a live child.
I want to thank you, dear husband, for holding me when I cry, for listening to me when I'm sad, for trying to bring me up when I'm down, which is so so so very hard. thank you for cooking me dinner and landscaping our yards and feeding the cats. for driving me places and buying the groceries and making my life so much better.
happy birthday, dear husband. I love you more than you know.
Today is my husband's 33rd birthday.
We are celebrating today. Heck, we're celebrating all weekend. Dinner out last night, dinner and drinks tonight, 4th of July bbq tomorrow (with presents) and who knows on Monday (the real 4th of July).
I have very much been caught up in my own thoughts and feelings lately. I have not put a lot of thought towards Keith's birthday and I feel bad about it. I mean, I bought him presents, but he pretty much planned our evening out, as I am not on fb anymore and therefore don't have an easy way to invite people to events. We should have a good time, though. Or, he should have a good time at least. I'll make sure he has a good time. I am.. nervous, though. As usual.
This is just another event where I am forced to see people. I've been quite content with my not-seeing-people this past week. It's been nice, except for when I had to venture out in the world, because every where I go there is a pregnant person or a brand new baby, constantly reminding me that I am not pregnant anymore and Aidan is dead.
I know that being a hermit is probably not the best thing to do, but it's what makes me comfortable right now. I just want to shelter myself from all of the happiness that others are experiencing, I guess.
Seeing Jenn will be hard. And Nick. I'm sorry we haven't seen Hangover 2 yet. I just.. well.. I don't want to see you two because it hurts so much.. it hurts so much just thinking about.. everything. i'm sorry.
So... Keith's birthday. #33. Like Kris Draper. It's a good number, one that I am very fond of (are you out there, Sandi?). I hope it's a lucky number for us. A lucky year, perhaps. Maybe a year in which we'll get pregnant again, and perhaps have a live child.
I want to thank you, dear husband, for holding me when I cry, for listening to me when I'm sad, for trying to bring me up when I'm down, which is so so so very hard. thank you for cooking me dinner and landscaping our yards and feeding the cats. for driving me places and buying the groceries and making my life so much better.
happy birthday, dear husband. I love you more than you know.
Friday, July 1, 2011
EOB
Today's shout out goes to my insurance company for making me cry for about an hour straight.
I received my explanation of benefits letter in the mail the other day. I am not 100% sure as to how much it cost for my "procedure" at the hospital, but I know that $619 of that was left over, and, as I now know, my insurance is covering all of that. I guess we're getting out of this whole thing for free. Woo?
Now, that's definitely not something that would make me cry for an hour, no. You see, on the EOB it states a bunch of things, like insurance information and when I was at the hospital and what "procedure" I had at the hospital. The EOB looked ok for the most part, except for this one section. In giant, black, bold letters next to the word "Procedure," it said "ABORTION."
Well that's exactly what I wanted to see on a Thursday morning, right before work.
WTF!?
"MY SON DIED!" I cried to myself. "I did not have an abortion! He was alive! And then he died! And then I delivered him!"
How could they say that I had an abortion? I mean, yes, they shoved some pills up my hoo-ha to make the contractions occur more frequently, but Aidan was already dead! He died naturally!
I was already late for work, but I knew I could not get through the day without some answers. So logically, while uncontrollably sobbing, I called up my insurance company and asked them wtf.
The girl who answered was nice. I explained to her that I had had a miscarriage in February and the EOB claims I had an abortion. "Oh," she replied, "I'm so sorry. A friend of mine had a couple miscarriages so I know how you feel."
Um, no you don't, bitch.
I didn't actually say that to her, but it went through my mind.
She eventually explained that I had a "spontaneous abortion," which is just another term for miscarriage, and that's just what they write on the EOB. It's not meant to say that I had an abortion procedure, but that I suffered a spontaneous abortion.
Well that's great to know. I'm super glad they word it that way on the insurance forms so women around the US can get all worked up just like I did. At least the girl on the phone was somewhat compassionate, more so than Dr. Moses, at least.
I think I said thank you to her, although it was hard for me to speak because I was sobbing so much. I hung up, and eventually made it into work.
I had to lock myself away from my coworkers for a few hours, so I hid in my office with the door shut while I continued to cry. Eventually I got over it and was even able to talk with some people later in the day. Wow. That says a lot.. doesn't it? The fact that I got up enough courage to talk to someone I know face-to-face. Oh boy... Am I in for it tomorrow or what? More on that later...
I received my explanation of benefits letter in the mail the other day. I am not 100% sure as to how much it cost for my "procedure" at the hospital, but I know that $619 of that was left over, and, as I now know, my insurance is covering all of that. I guess we're getting out of this whole thing for free. Woo?
Now, that's definitely not something that would make me cry for an hour, no. You see, on the EOB it states a bunch of things, like insurance information and when I was at the hospital and what "procedure" I had at the hospital. The EOB looked ok for the most part, except for this one section. In giant, black, bold letters next to the word "Procedure," it said "ABORTION."
Well that's exactly what I wanted to see on a Thursday morning, right before work.
WTF!?
"MY SON DIED!" I cried to myself. "I did not have an abortion! He was alive! And then he died! And then I delivered him!"
How could they say that I had an abortion? I mean, yes, they shoved some pills up my hoo-ha to make the contractions occur more frequently, but Aidan was already dead! He died naturally!
I was already late for work, but I knew I could not get through the day without some answers. So logically, while uncontrollably sobbing, I called up my insurance company and asked them wtf.
The girl who answered was nice. I explained to her that I had had a miscarriage in February and the EOB claims I had an abortion. "Oh," she replied, "I'm so sorry. A friend of mine had a couple miscarriages so I know how you feel."
Um, no you don't, bitch.
I didn't actually say that to her, but it went through my mind.
She eventually explained that I had a "spontaneous abortion," which is just another term for miscarriage, and that's just what they write on the EOB. It's not meant to say that I had an abortion procedure, but that I suffered a spontaneous abortion.
Well that's great to know. I'm super glad they word it that way on the insurance forms so women around the US can get all worked up just like I did. At least the girl on the phone was somewhat compassionate, more so than Dr. Moses, at least.
I think I said thank you to her, although it was hard for me to speak because I was sobbing so much. I hung up, and eventually made it into work.
I had to lock myself away from my coworkers for a few hours, so I hid in my office with the door shut while I continued to cry. Eventually I got over it and was even able to talk with some people later in the day. Wow. That says a lot.. doesn't it? The fact that I got up enough courage to talk to someone I know face-to-face. Oh boy... Am I in for it tomorrow or what? More on that later...
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