two week countdown

I've been putting off writing this post for a while, but I guess today seems like a good day to do it.

Today is one week from my 28th birthday.

Today is two weeks from Aidan's due date.

I keep imagining myself with a large, pregnant belly. What would I be doing if I were still pregnant? How would I be feeling? How many awesomely cute summer maternity shirts would I have bought?

It all makes me sad. Maybe I shouldn't think about that stuff but I do. How can I not? I'm sure once we get to his due date and past it all I will think about is what life would have been like with him alive.

What should we do on his due date? I want to do something.. to commemorate him.. or something. Or maybe I shouldn't be commemorating what should have been. Keith doesn't think we should do anything special until February 26 - that's Aidan's day. I don't know. I've looked up some things that others have done.. like releasing balloons with messages written on them or visiting his grave (which I get to look at and talk to every day since his ashes are sitting on our living room side table). Maybe we'll finally finish what we started with his final resting place (which I kind of mentioned in this post).

Is it wrong to do something on his due date? Or bad for my mental health or however you want to put it?

I wish this would get easier.