11 months

I'm feeling much better this month compared to the last ten. I'm still not pregnant (that I know of, at least) but.. I feel like I have hope again. Real hope. I don't know if it's just the start of a new year or what.

2011 was the worst year of my life, and it seems like such a blur now. The year started off so wonderfully, then Aidan died, and then... it's like I was in one of those movies or commercials where I'm standing still, but the world is whizzing by me in colorful streaks.  And now we're here, almost to February, the month of Aidan's death.  I don't know how I made it this long.

Over the weekend I put together a 2012 photo calendar, using a template from younghouselove.com. The idea is you are supposed to include one picture from each month of the previous year in your calendar. So the January 2012 page has a picture from January 2011, and so on.  It's a cute idea and I had fun working on it. What amazes me is how much I did last year. In almost every month I had more than one event to choose pictures from, and when I finally narrowed it down to one event I still had soooo many to decide upon.  February was the only month that I did  not attend a single event, at least not one where I took pictures or have pictures. So.. I used Aidan's ultrasound picture. That's his month, anyway. And he's my son, part of our family, and deserves to be in my calendar. Our kitties didn't make it in.. surprisingly I did not take many pictures of them last year.I haven't printed the calendar yet, so maybe I'll go back and work them in somehow. Anyway, in case you're curious, here are some of the pages:

Since my photo collection from last year is so surprisingly large, I made a list of every major thing I did (and by I, I mean Keith too as he took part in practically all of these events as well)...

Traveled to New York City for work five times
Traveled to Los Angeles for work once
Traveled to Amsterdam for work/vacation
Traveled to Frankenmuth, Kansas City, Lewiston, San Francisco, Napa Valley, and Mackinac Island for vacation
Attended four weddings
Took a driving tour of Michigan to visit nine breweries
Keith got tattoo #2 (don't believe I ever posted a picture of this.. soon, soon.)
Rode in a hot air balloon for the first time
Learned how to crochet and made 7 blankets and 4 stuffed animals, among other things
Grew pumpkins in our back yard for the first time
Met my best friend's daughter and attended her baptism
Met my son and held his ashes

Only three of the above events occurred before Aidan died, and they were all work related. That's quite the accomplishment, isn't it? For someone who's just lost their child?

I also hung out with my friends, a lot. More so at the end of the year, but I still went. I cried, I laughed, I smiled. I found out how amazing and supportive they truly are. And my husband, who put up with my last minute event cancellations when I just could not compose myself, my endless crying, all of the depressed and angry days. He might not always get it, but he is truly my rock.

I wasn't planning on writing this much, but I guess I had to make up for several weeks of nothing. 2011 sucked, but just look at that list. I am amazed at myself.. I survived the year of hell.  Next comes February, which I am a little apprehensive of, but I know it's coming whether I like it or not. I will save the rest for another post.



As always, my sweet Aidan, I love you so much. I wish I had memories of you sleeping, breathing, talking, playing, walking. All I can do is imagine. Oh if only I could live in my dreams.

a new year

Hello, 2012.  So far you are not as fantastic as how 2011 started, but you are definitely better than how it ended. I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried this year. Go me!  Oh.. wait, it's only January 9.  That's not much of an accomplishment, is it?

I don't really have any resolutions. I never make any, though. I figure that I shouldn't need a new year to start bettering myself.. I should do that on my own.  Or perhaps I'm just lazy. Yeah, that's probably it.

Over the holidays a lot of my family got together - which we haven't done in ages - so I of course took a bunch of pictures and posted them on facebook. A cousin who didn't attend this gathering commented on the album, saying he wished he could have been there. I'm sure he could have made it, but that's not the point. In another comment he randomly said, Oh, by the way, I'm engaged and I have a son named Aidan now.  "Beautiful baby boy" were his exact words. I kind of figured he had a son since I tend to stalk people on facebook and I saw a bunch of pictures of him with a little boy, so it wasn't much of a shock to hear the news, but why did he post it as a comment on one of my albums?  Does he not know about my Aidan?  Perhaps he doesn't.  I don't plaster facebook with my grief.. The people who know about my Aidan are the ones who were told by my family and friends. Or the ones who saw my.. what.. 2 statuses? Anyway....  I kind of want to comment back on my album and say "Hey, guess what, I had a son too. His name is also Aidan. But he died."   Would that be inappropriate? 

Sometimes I still want to shout to the world and proclaim that he died. To let everyone know that it still sucks, life is not perfect, I'm still grieving, and then command them to treasure every single happy moment they have because you never know when life will turn to shit. But don't throw your happiness in my face because I can't handle that.  I still enjoy hiding and protecting myself from the things that hurt me. The people that hurt me. The comments and the lack of comments.  I know you don't know what to say to me, and you're afraid that you'll hurt me or make me cry, but if you're thinking it then SAY IT.  Who cares if I cry? It's not like I haven't cried in public before. My biggest issue with crying in public is that I can't talk.. because I can't get the words out and because I sound stupid (cracking, high-pitched, wailing voice.. yeah not so good). So I just sit there and nod my head with my mouth shut and tears streaming down my face. Anyway, the point is...

I'm rambling. That's what the point is. Just getting these thoughts out there. Perhaps I should be more vocal in person.. not online.. about my thoughts and feelings. That could be a resolution for me. Nah, screw resolutions. Let's just make it a step towards bettering myself. 2012: The year of betterment.