a new year

Hello, 2012.  So far you are not as fantastic as how 2011 started, but you are definitely better than how it ended. I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried this year. Go me!  Oh.. wait, it's only January 9.  That's not much of an accomplishment, is it?

I don't really have any resolutions. I never make any, though. I figure that I shouldn't need a new year to start bettering myself.. I should do that on my own.  Or perhaps I'm just lazy. Yeah, that's probably it.

Over the holidays a lot of my family got together - which we haven't done in ages - so I of course took a bunch of pictures and posted them on facebook. A cousin who didn't attend this gathering commented on the album, saying he wished he could have been there. I'm sure he could have made it, but that's not the point. In another comment he randomly said, Oh, by the way, I'm engaged and I have a son named Aidan now.  "Beautiful baby boy" were his exact words. I kind of figured he had a son since I tend to stalk people on facebook and I saw a bunch of pictures of him with a little boy, so it wasn't much of a shock to hear the news, but why did he post it as a comment on one of my albums?  Does he not know about my Aidan?  Perhaps he doesn't.  I don't plaster facebook with my grief.. The people who know about my Aidan are the ones who were told by my family and friends. Or the ones who saw my.. what.. 2 statuses? Anyway....  I kind of want to comment back on my album and say "Hey, guess what, I had a son too. His name is also Aidan. But he died."   Would that be inappropriate? 

Sometimes I still want to shout to the world and proclaim that he died. To let everyone know that it still sucks, life is not perfect, I'm still grieving, and then command them to treasure every single happy moment they have because you never know when life will turn to shit. But don't throw your happiness in my face because I can't handle that.  I still enjoy hiding and protecting myself from the things that hurt me. The people that hurt me. The comments and the lack of comments.  I know you don't know what to say to me, and you're afraid that you'll hurt me or make me cry, but if you're thinking it then SAY IT.  Who cares if I cry? It's not like I haven't cried in public before. My biggest issue with crying in public is that I can't talk.. because I can't get the words out and because I sound stupid (cracking, high-pitched, wailing voice.. yeah not so good). So I just sit there and nod my head with my mouth shut and tears streaming down my face. Anyway, the point is...

I'm rambling. That's what the point is. Just getting these thoughts out there. Perhaps I should be more vocal in person.. not online.. about my thoughts and feelings. That could be a resolution for me. Nah, screw resolutions. Let's just make it a step towards bettering myself. 2012: The year of betterment.