10 months

We've made it through the holidays so far without you. It's been hard. I haven't cried yet but there have been some close calls, especially on Christmas eve. We got together with your grandfather's side of the family as we do every year (would you have called him Nonno instead of grandfather? I would hope so.) It was nice, but it was difficult seeing my cousin and their 1.5 year old and remembering last year when I announced to the entire family that I was pregnant with you - my cousin even got it on video! It was such a magical and special moment. No one said anything about you, but don't worry, I imagined you were right there with me the whole evening. You were with me, in my heart. I think you were in their hearts too.

I finally put up ornaments on our Christmas tree. Yours was first. Yours will always be first. It looks so beautiful on the tree and fits in perfectly with the red and gold theme. My angel ornaments are surrounding you above and family ornaments surround you below. We wish you were here. We miss you so much. We love you always and forever.


Merry Christmas baby boy.

so far december sucks

Oh, hello there. I have not forgotten about you.

A lot has happened. Some of which I prefer not to share.

Let me update you.

Seven is not a lucky number, therefore I started Clomid. I took the pills, as directed, on days 3-7 of my cycle. I had a few light headaches, some chills and some pain around my ovaries, but that all went away after a few days. I'm nearing ovulation now, and the pain has picked back up, although it's more of a constant, dull or burning pain instead of the quick, sharp pains I had before. I've actually lost a few pounds too - I don't know if that's just due to my diet or if it's really the medicine, but from what I've read women will more often gain weight on Clomid than lose. My depression level seems to have spiked today...again, maybe due to the medicine, or not. My neck and shoulders have been sore all day - apparently I slept funny last night - and they would hurt every time I checked my blind spots while driving home from work this evening. I started thinking of how much I'd love a massage, but can't get one from Keith because he has arthritis in his hands. And then I started crying. And I'm crying now. WTF? Because I want a massage? Oh these are going to be a fun few days... or weeks. How long does this emotional shit last?

Keith put up our fake Christmas tree about a week and a half ago. I put the tree skirt around it, hung a garland on our mirror in the living room, and that's it. I have not put ornaments on the tree yet. I dont know if I will. I feel like I should but.. I just don't give a fuck about Christmas. I sent out cards today, though. And we put up lights outside. So maybe I give a little bit of a fuck.

The sapphire ring Keith gave me for Mother's day broke. IT BROKE. MY MOTHER'S DAY RING BROKE. We were at my company's holiday party on Friday and somehow while we were dancing the sapphire and the posts holding it just popped right off. I had gone to the bathroom and noticed it was gone after washing my hands. I am so amazed that I did not break down right then and there. I found Keith, showed him the ring, and the hunt was on. The waitstaff was searching, women in the bathroom were searching, fellow coworkers were searching.. and finally after maybe 10-15 minutes my very best coworker found it lying on the ground against a wall. I took it to my aunt (our family jeweler) the next day and she sent it off to be fixed. She called today and said it's ready, but due to work and her hours I won't be able to pick it up till Friday. But let me go back to the fact that it BROKE. What does that mean? It means nothing, right? Of course. But you know what went through my head. That ring was given to me as a symbol that I am a mom. But it broke. So I am not really a mom. It's all a farce. I am broken. I am a "mom" to a dead child. I can't even get pregnant again to give myself a second shot at being a real mom. Thank you, life. Thank you, world. I get it. You suck.

About two weeks before this happened I found out my best friend is pregnant, again. And then my period started.


And now you are caught up.


Merry fucking christmas.

drugs

I meet with a doctor today to discuss my options. It was difficult to talk and listen to him inbetween my sobs, but I made it through. I only saw two noticeably pregnant women at the office, so that was nice. I haven't been that close to a pregnant woman in a while. Ten feet is close, people. Close enough.

I had seen this doctor once while I was pregnant but he didn't seem to remember me. That's ok.. he sees a lot of women...in a professional manner, of course. I told him my story and what my cycle is like right now. My cycle length is fine (even though I think it's short), but he seemed to think my luteal phase is too short - it's around 11 days. If I were a typical "average" woman I'd have a cycle length of 28 days, with ovulation on day 14 and a luteal phase of 14 days. I bet there are like 2 women in the world who are normal like that. Maybe 3. Anyway, I haven't been charting that long but so far I've been ovulating on day 15/16 with a 26/27 day cycle.

So, technically, I'm normal. The doctor made a point to tell me this, but he thankfully is not a stupid doctor and said it would be ok to start me on some medicine to see if it will help get things going. He wants me to get pregnant. In many cases doctors or fertility specialists will tell couples to try for 6-12 months and then they'll start testing. The fact that we got pregnant before is a good sign. And while we've been trying since June (so not a full 6 months), I've gone through 6 cycles now without getting pregnant. That's a long-ass time when you've gone through a miscarriage and the only thing you want right now is to get pregnant again.

He wrote me two prescriptions: One for folic acid and one for Clomid. Folic acid is said to help reduce the risk of infant spinal cord birth defects. Clomid is an estrogen receptor blocker, so it fools my brain, ovaries, etc. into thinking that I am not producing enough estrogen. This influences them to produce more estrogen and thus encourage ovulation. Now, according to my temperature charts, I am already ovulating normally (maybe a little late in respect to my cycle length), but it's been reported that Clomid can help you ovulate BETTER.. so a better chance of pregnancy. It also raises the chance that your follicles will release more than one egg, so a higher chance for twins.

I'll start the folic acid right away, but since I'm in the middle of a cycle I can't start the Clomid yet. Apparently you only take it on days 3 through 7 of your cycle. Maybe I won't even need it. Maybe cycle #7 will be our lucky number.

If not, we'll try for a few more months on Clomid, and if I still don't get pregnant we'll go back to the doctor and have him run some tests on the both of us.

Fun, fun.