so far december sucks

Oh, hello there. I have not forgotten about you.

A lot has happened. Some of which I prefer not to share.

Let me update you.

Seven is not a lucky number, therefore I started Clomid. I took the pills, as directed, on days 3-7 of my cycle. I had a few light headaches, some chills and some pain around my ovaries, but that all went away after a few days. I'm nearing ovulation now, and the pain has picked back up, although it's more of a constant, dull or burning pain instead of the quick, sharp pains I had before. I've actually lost a few pounds too - I don't know if that's just due to my diet or if it's really the medicine, but from what I've read women will more often gain weight on Clomid than lose. My depression level seems to have spiked today...again, maybe due to the medicine, or not. My neck and shoulders have been sore all day - apparently I slept funny last night - and they would hurt every time I checked my blind spots while driving home from work this evening. I started thinking of how much I'd love a massage, but can't get one from Keith because he has arthritis in his hands. And then I started crying. And I'm crying now. WTF? Because I want a massage? Oh these are going to be a fun few days... or weeks. How long does this emotional shit last?

Keith put up our fake Christmas tree about a week and a half ago. I put the tree skirt around it, hung a garland on our mirror in the living room, and that's it. I have not put ornaments on the tree yet. I dont know if I will. I feel like I should but.. I just don't give a fuck about Christmas. I sent out cards today, though. And we put up lights outside. So maybe I give a little bit of a fuck.

The sapphire ring Keith gave me for Mother's day broke. IT BROKE. MY MOTHER'S DAY RING BROKE. We were at my company's holiday party on Friday and somehow while we were dancing the sapphire and the posts holding it just popped right off. I had gone to the bathroom and noticed it was gone after washing my hands. I am so amazed that I did not break down right then and there. I found Keith, showed him the ring, and the hunt was on. The waitstaff was searching, women in the bathroom were searching, fellow coworkers were searching.. and finally after maybe 10-15 minutes my very best coworker found it lying on the ground against a wall. I took it to my aunt (our family jeweler) the next day and she sent it off to be fixed. She called today and said it's ready, but due to work and her hours I won't be able to pick it up till Friday. But let me go back to the fact that it BROKE. What does that mean? It means nothing, right? Of course. But you know what went through my head. That ring was given to me as a symbol that I am a mom. But it broke. So I am not really a mom. It's all a farce. I am broken. I am a "mom" to a dead child. I can't even get pregnant again to give myself a second shot at being a real mom. Thank you, life. Thank you, world. I get it. You suck.

About two weeks before this happened I found out my best friend is pregnant, again. And then my period started.


And now you are caught up.


Merry fucking christmas.