so this is how it's going to be

i thought i would have become numb to this by now. it's been almost 2.5 years.. that's enough time to get used to something, right? i guess not. there must be something in the water because every day it seems someone new is pregnant or just had a baby.. and every one is a

BOY

BOY

BOY


Seriously? I only know about these events because of facbeook. I can barely bring myself to "like" their statuses, much less give a hearty "CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR LIVING CHILD!" comment.

Will I ever be able to be 100% truly happy for someone after such news?

Perhaps it depends on the person.

It doesn't help that we are trying again.. four months now and no success. And it looks like I'm not even ovulating this time around. whoop dee doo.

Can't believe I'm crying over this. I really thought I was ok.

mother's day

This is also posted on my "happy" blog as I felt it belonged in both places. Maybe this will give others some insight or hope.



Mother's day this year was very different than the past few years.

Two years ago I was newly babylost; my grief for Aidan was so raw and painful. My cousin was the first to wish me a happy mother's day that year. I said thank you, but never expressed how truly thankful I was that she recognized me as a mother (THANK YOU). This year was my first "official" mother's day according to some (yes, this was said to me). I suppose that could be true...Enora is not in my womb as she was last year - she is out, alive, breathing, and considered a human this year. She is my child and I take care of her. I am her mother.

But...Last year was I not her mother? Did I not take care of her while she was in the womb? I took prenatals and watched what I ate. I was on modified bed rest for 8 weeks. I didn't go skydiving or rock climbing. I took care of her. I was her mother.

And what of Aidan? He only lived in my womb. He never breathed air. He never got to see my face. But just like Enora, I took prenatals. I watched what I ate. I took care of him for those short 17 weeks. I was his mother.

Aidan lives in our house. His ashes are in our living room. I dust his box and say goodnight to him.  I still take care of him, even though he is no longer living on this earth.

I am his mother.



I am not mad or upset at the person who said that to me. I understand that *they* don't understand. It has taken a long time to accept that and understand that myself. I guess my point is that the babylost are mothers and fathers too. We all grieve differently, and no matter what you say you will probably hurt us! But I think I can generally say that we all appreciate our children being acknowledged, no matter how short their lives were.



This was my third mother's day, and I am very, very happy to have been able to share it with my beautiful daughter on earth and my handsome son in the sky.

...and my loving husband and family, of course. Thank you for the gardening tools, Enora :)

two years

I did not get dressed today.

I decided a few weeks ago that today might be a day where I should work from home.

And I did.

I took care of our beautiful rainbow baby as well, and let me tell you it is tough to work and take care of a baby at the same time. But I managed, both to take care of her and to get some work done.

Today was not as bad as I was expecting it to be, I think mainly because I did not have time to stop and fully think about things. I feel like I have a big cry to let out, but all I have managed are a few tears here and there.  A few things never left my mind today, however: how much I love and miss Aidan, and how much I love and am so grateful for our little Enora.

Aidan's bear (from the orchid plant my parents gave him last year), a beautiful personalized wooden block from my dear friend Cindy (Enora has a matching block), and a burning candle (in red, of course) in his honor

This time last year I was pregnant with Enora, about 7 weeks along. She was just a gummy bear on a screen back then, a little gummy bear of hope.  I 100% believe that just being pregnant with her made Aidan's angelversary last year so much easier, and this year having her alive and in my arms has again helped me to get through this day.

Since it was a work day we didn't have time to do much (last year it was on a Sunday and went to the movies), but Keith made a delicious pasta dish with homemade sauce and I tried out a new recipe for a "healthy" strawberry truffle pie.

I apparently didn't give it enough time to freeze/set, but it still tasted good

We also enjoyed a fancy bottle of wine, in honor of our little boy.

Earlier in the day I attempted to take some pictures of Enora and Aidan and some of his things. Yes, this may be weird for some of you. too bad.

holding on to Aidan's bear

Yes, this picture is goofy. But I imagine that if Aidan were here, they would both be making the same expression: eww I have to sit next to her/him?? Ah, sibling love.

Friends and family: your love and support has meant so much to us. You all have again proven how lucky we are to have you in our lives. Thank you for donating to charities in Aidan's name, for sending pictures and all of the good thoughts. 

The candle I lit earlier in the day has just burnt out, so I think that's a sign for me to go to bed.  Aidan: you know that I love you and always will, but I just have to write it and say it and think it as often as I can. Thank you for watching over us and keeping your little sister safe and happy. I hope you are having a grand ole time wherever you are with your great-grandparents and all of your other relatives and friends.  I love you so much baby boy!

the end of 2012

2013 is 12 hours away so I figured I should get one last post in before the new year...

I miss Aidan every day. I cry for him. I gaze at his ashes and his ornament on our tree and am overwhelmed by the fact that he is not here for what should be his second Christmas and new year.

But.

I am so in love with my daughter.  I am so thankful that she is here. She is alive.. she is healthy.. she is a smiley, happy, wonderful baby and my life is so much better with her in it.

How can it be possible to be so happy and so sad at the same time?

Regardless, the holidays went wonderfully this year. I got to enjoy them (as much as I could) and show off our beautiful daughter to my friends and family. Everyone loves her, practically as much as we do, and it is just amazing to see the joy in *their* faces when she smiles.

Overall I would have to say that 2012 was a good year.. it started off terribly and there were several rough patches but we made it through. We have a new years day party to attend tomorrow.. last year I locked myself in the bathroom and cried because I couldn't handle the sight and sound of my cousin's 1-year old. I assume she and her newborn (just 10 days older than Enora) will be there again this year. I don't think I will lock myself in the bathroom this time.

Sometimes while feeding or holding her Enora will just smile. Sometimes at me, but often times she will be looking off into the corner of our living room where Aidan's ashes are.  Last night she was smiling at our Christmas tree. I kept looking over my shoulder, hoping to get a glimpse of whatever was bringing her joy - could it be Aidan? my grandpa who passed in July? my uncle? grandma? nonno? - but I saw nothing. All I saw was the beautiful smile on her face and I really hope it was one (or all or any) of them saying "hello."

I am looking forward to 2013. I am looking forward to watching my daughter grow up and bask in her innocence. Every smile makes me love her even more...though every smile makes me wish her older brother were here to laugh and smile with her, to play and teach her things only a brother could. 2013 will teach us how to be a better family - the three of us on earth and Aidan in our hearts. We will learn and grow and we'll try to enjoy this year instead of fear it.

I welcome you with open arms, 2013, and thank you, 2012, for the change you brought. My heart will never truly heal, but I'm thankful for my little ray of sunshine who brought some light into my life.

birth story

Here we go.. This is long, so don't feel inclined to read! It's so I don't have to remember the details. There are pictures at the bottom, though.

I woke up at 3:30 the morning of October 12 (Friday) for a trip to the bathroom. I felt a bit more awake than usual, which I've heard from a few people is a sign that "something" is going to happen soon. I tried not to think much of it and attempted to fall back asleep.  It always takes me at least an hour to fall asleep, and while I was playing sudoku on my phone I felt a contraction.  I had been feeling contractions off and on for the past week or so - maybe 3-5 a day, so it wasn't surprising, but I again wondered if labor would start soon. About 10 minutes later I felt another contraction, and that really got my mind going. I pulled up my contraction timer app on my phone and started timing in between playing sudoku. After an hour I realized I was having contractions every 8-10 minutes. There was no way I was going back to sleep at that point so I just kept timing and playing games. Eventually Keith's alarm went off and it was time for him to get up. After he showered I casually mentioned that I was having regular contractions, although far apart. He didn't say much, but I think he started to get nervous/anxious at that point. I got out of bed finally and told Keith that I'd let him know if the contractions changed, then he went off to work.

I had been working from home the past two weeks so I didn't have to get ready for work or anything, but I decided in case this was the day that I'd "prepare" myself so I showered, actually blow-dried my hair and all that jazz. I did have a doctor appointment to attend that morning, and we found out I was 2-3 cm dilated and  70% effaced. I told him about the contractions and we decided to stretch my membranes to hopefully speed up the contractions and get me into labor. He believed that I'd deliver that day or the next, but just in case we scheduled an induction date for the following Thursday.

When I got home I texted Keith with all of the news and began working. Soon I noticed that my contractions had picked up some. They weren't painful - really just some tightening of my abdomen or mild period cramps   - but they were happening 2-3 minutes apart!  I continued to time them, told Keith about the change and suggested that he come home. That was the fastest he had ever left work! He picked up some lunch on the way home (Checker's! I love their fries), but when he got home I worried that I had told him to come home too soon. The contractions were still light, but same frequency. The doctors had previously told me to come to the hospital if I was having contractions 5 minutes apart or less, so around 2 I finally decided that we should head to the hospital.   I finished packing my hospital bag (and Keith his) and off we were!

At the hospital they checked me and said I was about 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced. Not enough to be admitted, but while I was hooked up to the heart monitor, they noticed baby girl's heartrate was dropping during the contractions. They had me change positions so I was lying on my side instead of my back and monitored me for an hour. Things improved, and this time my doctor checked me and said I was 3.5-4cm dilated and said I could be admitted. Woo!

They moved me to the birthing suite and hooked me up to a saline IV. After an hour they checked me and I wasn't progressing much, so the doctor broke my water (6:30pm). I'm group B strep positive so they started antibiotics at that time as well. Contractions were still 2-3 minutes apart and getting stronger, but not strong enough, so they started pitocin. I was about 4cm at that point. We ran through two cycles (?) of pitocin when I decided it was time for an epidural. I had always planned on getting an epidural (why deal with the pain when we have all of this amazing medicine?) but I wanted to see how much I was willing to tolerate before getting it. I could have waited it out longer but I figured being comfortable was better than testing my pain tolerance.  The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epi - it hurt a bit more this time than it did with Aidan, but amazingly it worked on both sides of my body!  I was so thrilled! After this point it was really just a waiting game. I labored through the night and into the next day, trying to get as much sleep as I could. My blood pressure was a bit low from the epidural so sometime in the morning they gave me a shot of epinephrine! I actually liked it - it gave me some energy which I was going to need for the long labor ahead. I also threw up a few times, due to the epidural or just labor itself, so they also gave me Zofran. I don't think I've ever had so many medicines pumped into me before! The Zofran helped my nausea, and around 11am on the 13th my parents came up to the hospital to wait for baby girl's arrival.

The nurse kept upping the pitocin and my cervix was dilating about 1cm every 2-3 hours. The dilation stalled at 8cm, which means I was threatened with a C-section since I wasn't progressing.  I really didn't want one, but I would do anything for my baby girl as long as she came out healthy! The doctor decided to try lowering my pitocin and then upping it again to see if that would kick-start my contractions.  It worked! The contractions picked up and they put me in a completely up-right position in bed (the bed turns into a chair position), which was strangely comfortable, to encourage her to drop down since she was sitting around a 0/+1 station for a while (too high up).

I could slowly feel her moving down since (TMI ALERT!) the pressure on my rectum increased. That was an interesting feeling! The pressure kept getting worse and worse, which is something the epidural can't help with. I was checked again and we found I was 9cm, then 9.5, and the doctor helped out at that point and had me push while he spread my cervix the rest of the way to the full 10cm. Now labor can begin!

They put me back into a reclined position in bed, and the nurse had me start pushing (around 2:15pm). I hadn't taken any labor or lamaze classes, but I knew that you had to push as if you were moving your bowels and that there was a good chance I'd poop on the table! The nurse of course helped and told me how to push and when and how long: 3 big pushes per contraction was our goal.

This is where labor gets its name! With each contraction I would do my best to give three good pushes. For whatever reason my first push was always the best, the second was good, but with the third it felt different and therefore I couldn't push as hard or as long as the first two. I'd rest for a minute or two inbetween the contractions and then push again. Oh my that rectal pain was intense! And then when she was crowning I had the added joy of pain around that area. "I want to see results!" was what I said to my mom and Keith who were holding my legs while I pushed. It felt like I was doing so much, but each push only brought her head out a millimeter at a time, and then her head would go back in after I was done pushing. After almost 2.5 hours of pushing, the doctor realized that I was just not going to stretch enough on my own, so he had to do an episiotomy. I was so caught up in the pain of the pressure that I'm not sure I felt him do it, but both Keith and my mom got to watch and apparently it was horrifying! I believe he did the episiotomy during a contraction and immediately after he pulled out the forceps and used them to get my baby girl out and into this world. Again.. PRESSURE!  I was not prepared for that amount of pressure and all the pain that accompanies it.

The moment she was out, she let out a cute little scream, and the doctor put her on my stomach so Keith could cut the umbilical cord. I was in shock and in a ton of pain, but so so so happy that she was out and alive!  The doctor stitched me up (more pain! I could feel the needle going in and out) while the nurses cleaned up our little girl. Keith took some pictures, and minutes later she was all bundled up and in my arms. I started crying. One, because I was in pain, Two because she was out and alive!, Three because I was thinking of Aidan and my deceased relatives who were surely watching over us this day.

It's day 5, baby girl is doing great and I'm still recovering, but now the story of Enora can begin.

And for the record, I did not poop on the table!

she's here

Our baby girl is finally here!
Enora Lucia was born October 13, 2012 at 4:39pm, weighing 7lb 8.8oz and 21 3/4in long. She and I are doing fine. Birth story to come.

almost there part 2

Sorry everyone, I totally owe you a post about what's been going on.  I am still pregnant - 39 weeks and 3 days today - and surprisingly I feel really good.  I've read and heard a lot of stories about how uncomfortable and tired and stressed women get at this stage in their pregnancy, but I really can't complain. I'm tired, and yes she pokes me and tries to escape through my side or my butt, but it's not as bad as I was imagining it to be. I almost feel like I'm meant to be pregnant because I've had so few complications and my body is handling it really well (ignoring the short cervix debacle). I probably didn't even need to go on bed rest. Ever since they took me off it at 34 weeks, I've been walking around and doing things as I normally would, and my cervix has only changed a little bit. As of Friday I am 1-2cm dilated, 70% effaced, and -3 station.  My doctors will let me go a week late, but any longer than that and they will induce. The one I met with on Friday said she thinks I'll go before that.. I hope so!

I still feel that twinge whenever I hear about a new pregnancy or someone else goes through a pregnancy and delivers a happy, healthy baby. I am happy for them of course, but it always reminds me of Aidan. I cried pretty hard for the first time in a while about him last night. I was watching Long Island Medium where she read a woman who had lost her child at 5 months gestation. Theresa told the woman that her son's spirit was there while she was holding his lifeless body and he was thankful to her for holding him. That right there got me going. I didn't hold Aidan. I don't know why.. I wanted to see him, but I didn't want to hold him. Maybe I was afraid that holding him would make it real. I remember when the nurse brought him to us all cleaned up and in his little basket, she moved his arm a bit and all I could think was NO! Don't touch him!   I'd give anything to hold him now, and after hearing how thankful that little boy was of his mom holding him, I just feel even worse now that I never held him or even touched him. I hope he isn't mad at me.

I do have a story to share from a while ago. Back when I was 17 weeks pregnant I took my weekly pregnancy photo with Aidan's box. I didn't photograph this, but I took his little bag of ashes out of his box and talked to him a bit and held him. I then put his ashes on my belly and said to our little girl, "This is your brother, Aidan."  I immediately felt a kick in the exact spot I was holding his ashes. I was barely feeling kicks at all at that point, especially when standing, so the fact that she even kicked and I felt it was amazing.  Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe she knew, but I will always treasure that moment and I will make sure to tell her about it and her big brother.