almost there part 2

Sorry everyone, I totally owe you a post about what's been going on.  I am still pregnant - 39 weeks and 3 days today - and surprisingly I feel really good.  I've read and heard a lot of stories about how uncomfortable and tired and stressed women get at this stage in their pregnancy, but I really can't complain. I'm tired, and yes she pokes me and tries to escape through my side or my butt, but it's not as bad as I was imagining it to be. I almost feel like I'm meant to be pregnant because I've had so few complications and my body is handling it really well (ignoring the short cervix debacle). I probably didn't even need to go on bed rest. Ever since they took me off it at 34 weeks, I've been walking around and doing things as I normally would, and my cervix has only changed a little bit. As of Friday I am 1-2cm dilated, 70% effaced, and -3 station.  My doctors will let me go a week late, but any longer than that and they will induce. The one I met with on Friday said she thinks I'll go before that.. I hope so!

I still feel that twinge whenever I hear about a new pregnancy or someone else goes through a pregnancy and delivers a happy, healthy baby. I am happy for them of course, but it always reminds me of Aidan. I cried pretty hard for the first time in a while about him last night. I was watching Long Island Medium where she read a woman who had lost her child at 5 months gestation. Theresa told the woman that her son's spirit was there while she was holding his lifeless body and he was thankful to her for holding him. That right there got me going. I didn't hold Aidan. I don't know why.. I wanted to see him, but I didn't want to hold him. Maybe I was afraid that holding him would make it real. I remember when the nurse brought him to us all cleaned up and in his little basket, she moved his arm a bit and all I could think was NO! Don't touch him!   I'd give anything to hold him now, and after hearing how thankful that little boy was of his mom holding him, I just feel even worse now that I never held him or even touched him. I hope he isn't mad at me.

I do have a story to share from a while ago. Back when I was 17 weeks pregnant I took my weekly pregnancy photo with Aidan's box. I didn't photograph this, but I took his little bag of ashes out of his box and talked to him a bit and held him. I then put his ashes on my belly and said to our little girl, "This is your brother, Aidan."  I immediately felt a kick in the exact spot I was holding his ashes. I was barely feeling kicks at all at that point, especially when standing, so the fact that she even kicked and I felt it was amazing.  Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe she knew, but I will always treasure that moment and I will make sure to tell her about it and her big brother.