stabby stab stab

Hooray.

My cousin had her baby. It's a girl. And it's alive.

I think I've hidden everyone else who is due soon, so hopefully I won't be hearing about any more happiness for a while.

In other news, Beyonce is pregnant. But not this Beyonce.  That would be an interesting story.

Quit stabbing me in the heart, world.

late night thoughts

i hate writing.

mainly because i'm not good at it.

i have so much trouble finding the words to express these feelings. i try and try and then i get frustrated and give up.

i wish i could just project my thoughts onto the computer and it would magically come up with the beautiful sentences my mind wants to create.

...

i am definitely jealous.  of them.

it's so stupid though. i have so much in life to be thankful for. keith and i both have jobs. we have a house. we are financially stable. our relationshp is great. our family and friends are great.

but we don't have our son.

they have their kids. and their pregnancies. people congratulate them all the time and gush sentiments about how wonderful things are.

...

we've been trying for three months now. how the hell was it so easy last time?

i'm pulling out all the stops this month. i'm charting my temperature and i bought a zillion ovulation tests.

ok, almost all of the stops.  i hear acupuncture is really good.

i guess i should get motivated and start exercising again too.

...

eminem made me cry today.

my birthday sucked ass because i thought i was having a miscarriage. looking back, i don't think i was, but it seemed like it at the time.

we had a good mini-vacation. i wish i lived on the water.

i should go to bed so i don't screw up my temperature reading.

6 months

Today Keith and I are leaving for our mini-vacation to visit several Michigan breweries.

I'm a little excited to get out of the house and visit the west side of the state.

I'm a little sad because there's nothing stopping me from sampling the beers.

Oh well.

Love and miss you, Aidan.

congrats...you suck

The list just got bigger...again.  We're up to #15. Of course this list is going to continuously get longer. The world would have a serious problem if it didn't.  I'd like to be on that list someday. Then I can be jealous of myself and hate myself when I look in the mirror.

What do I say to these newly pregnant women or new mamas whose children survived the birthing process? Congratulations would be an acceptable response, but that's not completely how I feel...that's not all I wish to say.  I've seen the dark side (is this not humorous now that I've written about the force?). I know that just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you end up with a live baby after nine months. I almost want to warn them not to get their hopes up, don't get too confident or optimistic. Your baby could die. Yes, that's morbid, but it's true.

When I was pregnant with Aidan I had a false sense of security once we hit the 3 month mark. That's when they say it's ok to tell people about your pregnancy because the chances of miscarriage after that point are so low.  But look at what happened. I was counting my blessings every week until that 3-month point knowing at any moment I could miscarry or the baby's heartbeat would not be found at the next appointment. I was even cautious about getting pregnant - we managed to get pregnant on the first try, but I totally wasn't expecting that. We started in November and I was planning on it taking a few months so we'd hopefully end up pregnant by February (thus potentially giving me an 11-11-11 baby.. I like numbers, what can I say?).  So I'm thankful for the luck we had and the time we had with our son, but I know things don't always turn out well.

I wish I could bring back the little bit of optimism and confidence I had after 3 months of pregnancy - that same confidence the new moms and moms-to-be have. But all that's left is pessimism and sarcasm. I want to hope and get excited about possibly being pregnant again, but I can't. I'm afraid. And when I see all these new pregnancy announcements I get afraid for the new moms because they could go through what I went through. But then everything is fine for them. And then I get sad.. <insert obligatory "of course I'm happy that their kid is alive BUT..."> My kid is not alive. And then the sarcasm/anger jumps in and all I want to say is fuck you and your happiness. Stop shoving that crap in my face. To the newly pregnant I want to say: "Good luck." Or, "Congrats on getting pregnant, I hope the baby survives."   To the new moms with a live child: "You truly do deserve a congratulations, I'm insanely jealous of you, here's hoping the kid doesn't die of SIDS or any other disease."  But none of that would be appropriate to write in a card or on facebook, methinks.

So I lay silent and click that infamous hide button. I'll let those thoughts fester in my brain for now while the rest of you do the congratulating.

belly

This made me laugh. Such a refreshing take on all those goddamn annoying pregnant bellies.
(....no offense to anyone who is currently pregnant and reads this blog... you know how it is.)

the box and the force

I feel as though a switch was flipped in my brain after Aidan's due date passed. I was not well before that. I was very sad, very despondent. We had a get-together at our house after my birthday, partially to celebrate and partially because Keith really wanted to have a bonfire. I stayed in my room the whole night and didn't talk to anyone. I'm thankful everyone heeded Keith's warnings and didn't come knocking because I would have ran outside and driven off until they all went home. No joke.

I'm not really sure what made me feel better. Perhaps it was just time passing. Keith and I spent the previous week working on Aidan's box, as we're calling it, and maybe the completion of it put me at ease. This is it, if you're wondering:

Keith actually made it out of oak mantel molding.  He just cut it up into four pieces and put it together. Haha - if it were only that simple.  I stained it a dark brown color and lined it with red velvet...

I also crocheted a tiny lace bag for his ashes, complete with a silk lining:

We transferred his ashes on his due date, and after opening the round, plastic container he was originally in,  we discovered his ashes were in yet another container - a thick plastic bag.  I was kind of grateful for that as I thought his ashes were just floating around in the round tub and I was unsure how to transfer them to his new, prettier bag. We ended up just putting the plastic bag into the lace bag and left it at that. Surprisingly, it fit.   So now Aidan rests inside a plastic bag, within a silk-lined cotton lace bag, within a red velvet-lined oak box. All hand-made (except for the plastic bag). At least he won't spill out anywhere if the box falls over.

I know his box is technically an urn, but I don't like the word urn. Urns have a sad, depressing connotation to me. I'm tired of being sad about Aidan. I want to think of him in a positive light and imagine that wherever he is now that it's a better place for him.  I don't quite believe in heaven or hell or god (even with my roman catholic upbringing and 8? years of torturous catechism), but, rather, energy.  The Force, as I call it. Yes, I believe in the Force. I am not a jedi, although I would love a lightsaber. And don't you always want to say "May the force be with you" for the sign of peace during mass?  No? Anyway...I'm not going to discuss this in great lengths, but I talk to Aidan and always say goodnight to him, hoping his energy can feel mine reaching out to him.  I imagine his energy surrounding me with bright, white light and I try to do the same for him.

Maybe Aidan's energy is more restful now that he's in a nicer home, and that in turn has allowed my energy to calm down. Whatever it is, I'm hoping this little sense of peace I have keeps up.

being social

My "social experiment" is going well so far. I haven't done much, but I have hung out with Jenn twice and.. well I guess that's it.  I went to a bridal shower too but I would have gone to that even without the experiment. I did talk to a friend at the shower whom I haven't seen since before Aidan. She asked me how life was going for me and I had the hardest time replying.. I kinda mumbled, shrugged my shoulders, said well, y'know.. I just couldn't get the words out. Usually I just say "ok" or "as good as it can be" but I felt like I should give a better response, and I just couldn't do it. Ah well. It was nice talking to her, though.

I'll be seeing people more often in the next few days and weeks. I'm not anxious about these events (yet?) so that's a good thing. Sometimes I wonder if my thyroid medication had something to do with my relapse into sadness. In mid-July I switched back to a higher dosage, and perhaps it finally kicked in early in August (right after my birthday stupidness, which I still haven't blogged about).

I still feel sad for myself (am I pitying myself?) but I'm trying to get over that. I definitely still get anxious when discovering newly pregnant women/friends (#14 revealed herself today) but what can I do about that?  I've hidden tons of people on facebook to try to avoid things like that, but I know I can't escape all of it. I'm worried about when they start to pop out those babies.. that's going to start happening real soon. My cousin's the first, due at the end of August.  Luckily she does not post a lot on facebook so maybe I won't see much. I feel bad hiding her. 

Another baby shower is coming up in two weeks, although I will not be attending. The invitation came at a very bad time, and I pretty much said fuck that! when I saw it in the mail. I did hang it on my fridge so I could remember to RSVP as a big fat NO.  But! I didn't RSVP till yesterday as I am training myself not to make hasty decisions when I'm full of emotion. Keith and I have actually decided to take another trip - a weekend trip, this time - to visit some breweries in Michigan, and the only time we can go just so happens to be the same weekend as the shower.  If the trip were not happening, I'm still not sure if I would go or not, but at least I have a better excuse than sorry, I'm still hating on pregnant women right now.

I originally wrote a ton of stuff for this post, but I realized I had gone off on a tangent way too many times, so you should be seeing more than one post from me this week. wooo.

happenings

I just got home from a wedding that I wasn't supposed to go to.  ....Because I was supposed to be 40+ weeks pregnant or at home with a healthy newborn.

The wedding was nice. I knew the bride and her family and some family friends (aka our fake aunts, uncles and cousins). I found out the bride's sister is expecting, due in February, I believe.  But... I got to dance and drink some alcohol that she couldn't have (mwahaha.. or not..). I heard the cat daddy song for the first time and while waiting in line for some water I was handed a shot of whiskey and thus shot said shot with a bunch of strangers.  Fun times.

Only three more weddings to go to this year (assuming the 3rd one is in-state or not crazy far away).

In non-wedding news, I reactivated my facebook account yesterday.  No less than 5 minutes later I discovered yet another person who is expecting.  I don't even talk to this person, but she just happens to be invited to large event that I am also invited to, and I just HAD to read comments on the wall of said event.  Thanks, facebook. Seriously.. you couldn't last 5 minutes without shoving all of this in my face.. again? So, you can add to my list: K due in December and S due in February.  What is that.. 13?  Who else?

At the wedding, my mom asked me why I went back to facebook. I had been thinking about coming back for a few weeks now, and then my birthday happened, which was probably the worst birthday of my life (perhaps I'll explain in another post). So I put facebook and seeing people all-together on hold (...again). Then Aidan's due date came, and it felt good to get past that day.. Like, I survived it. I'm still here, the world is still spinning, I really wish Aidan were here but that's obviously not gonna happen.. Maybe I need to push myself to "move on."  And I don't mean move on as in forget about him, but try to be social again.. to see my best friend(s) (because I have to see them at some point, right?) and converse with people. As Keith said, "that's what Aidan would want." ...right?

I've been having a lot of anxiety just thinking about this, but maybe it will fade or maybe I'll just get numb to it if I keep putting myself in these uncomfortable situations. I mean, I've already sheltered myself from everyone for a few months and I really haven't gotten that much better, so maybe the opposite will help?  I can always go back into hiding. But, in answer to my mom's question, I'm doing this to force myself to deal with the anxiety of seeing people.

So, I'm back on facebook, tomorrow I will be hanging out with Jenn, and who knows what else will happen. Maybe I'll organize a pregnant women flash mob or just watch this video a dozen times (seriously though - don't click that link if you're really hating pregnant women right now..you might need to punch someone (them) in the face). 

I really hope this helps. I hope I don't break down again.

poem

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                                    i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


-- e. e. cummings

a letter

Dear Aidan,

Today is a special day. Today is the day I had been looking forward to since November of last year. Today was your due date.

I know the chances of you actually being born on this date were very low, but this is The Date that I've had in my head all these months. I was actually hoping you would arrive a week late on August 11, as 11 is my favorite number. And how cool is 8-11-11 for a birthday? I slowly convinced myself that 8-4-11 or any other combination was just as good (but I still hoped that you'd hold out at least until August - we have so many July birthdays in our family!).

Sadly you arrived much too early. Well, you died first, then you were born into this world.

That day was hard. It was surreal. I don't know exactly when you died - it could have been Friday afternoon when I couldn't keep water or food down due to that stupid antibiotic, or maybe in the middle of the night when the bleeding started. The doctor confirmed your death Saturday morning (after my insistence for an ultrasound) around 10am. Nine hours later you were here, so tiny and so perfect.

I was glad that you arrived mostly naturally - they only had to give me some medicine to make the contractions stronger and I had an epidural too (on half of my body, at least). I guess I'm glad that I didn't need a "procedure" to get things moving.

When Amanda, the nurse, brought you in to my room after she cleaned you up, I was so nervous. I didn't want to hold you, and neither did your dad, but I deeply regret that now. Maybe I was scared that holding you would make this nightmare real - it would cement your death and I would never wake up from this hellish dream. At one point Amanda moved your blanket and your arm to show us your hand, and I almost freaked out when she touched you. As if it was wrong to touch you, how dare she touch you or move you.  Now I would do anything to go back in time so I could hold you, to feel your skin, to kiss your head.  I wish I knew what you felt like. Now I can only feel you in my dreams.

Sunday marked the first day of our lives without you. I watched Rocky that morning from my hospital bed. I had never seen that movie before. Now it will always be linked with you and your death. Outside the snow was falling pretty heavily. I couldn't see much through my hospital room window but I saw that. All the snow. Frozen tears of the angels. Life continuing on. Leaving the hospital was so hard.. all the sadness of leaving empty handed. A pregnant woman a day earlier, no longer pregnant, no child to hold.

Life since then has been difficult for me. I think about you all of the time and how much I wish you were here.  I feel broken without you. You were a piece of me. Though, you still are a piece of me, just different.  As the poem goes, I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart). 

You are with me always, Aidan, and I hope you are with me too. I don't know what happens after this life, but I hope, in some way, that you know how much you were wanted and how much we love you. 

Love,

Mommy