The list just got bigger...again. We're up to #15. Of course this list is going to continuously get longer. The world would have a serious problem if it didn't. I'd like to be on that list someday. Then I can be jealous of myself and hate myself when I look in the mirror.
What do I say to these newly pregnant women or new mamas whose children survived the birthing process? Congratulations would be an acceptable response, but that's not completely how I feel...that's not all I wish to say. I've seen the dark side (is this not humorous now that I've written about the force?). I know that just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you end up with a live baby after nine months. I almost want to warn them not to get their hopes up, don't get too confident or optimistic. Your baby could die. Yes, that's morbid, but it's true.
When I was pregnant with Aidan I had a false sense of security once we hit the 3 month mark. That's when they say it's ok to tell people about your pregnancy because the chances of miscarriage after that point are so low. But look at what happened. I was counting my blessings every week until that 3-month point knowing at any moment I could miscarry or the baby's heartbeat would not be found at the next appointment. I was even cautious about getting pregnant - we managed to get pregnant on the first try, but I totally wasn't expecting that. We started in November and I was planning on it taking a few months so we'd hopefully end up pregnant by February (thus potentially giving me an 11-11-11 baby.. I like numbers, what can I say?). So I'm thankful for the luck we had and the time we had with our son, but I know things don't always turn out well.
I wish I could bring back the little bit of optimism and confidence I had after 3 months of pregnancy - that same confidence the new moms and moms-to-be have. But all that's left is pessimism and sarcasm. I want to hope and get excited about possibly being pregnant again, but I can't. I'm afraid. And when I see all these new pregnancy announcements I get afraid for the new moms because they could go through what I went through. But then everything is fine for them. And then I get sad.. <insert obligatory "of course I'm happy that their kid is alive BUT..."> My kid is not alive. And then the sarcasm/anger jumps in and all I want to say is fuck you and your happiness. Stop shoving that crap in my face. To the newly pregnant I want to say: "Good luck." Or, "Congrats on getting pregnant, I hope the baby survives." To the new moms with a live child: "You truly do deserve a congratulations, I'm insanely jealous of you, here's hoping the kid doesn't die of SIDS or any other disease." But none of that would be appropriate to write in a card or on facebook, methinks.
So I lay silent and click that infamous hide button. I'll let those thoughts fester in my brain for now while the rest of you do the congratulating.
Haha- yep. I feel the same way. Now it is sliding into other parts of my life. My mother told my son about planting seeds and they will probably grow and turn into a plant. I said they'll probably die. Because that's where my brain is. I have no faith in the usual probable positive outcome. I think congratulations I hope your baby doesn't die sounds just about right to me.
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