outcast

I have two main sets of friends: high school friends and college friends.

My high school friends are at various stages of life.. some are still in college, some have houses, and some are married. None of them have children yet and none of them are planning on having kids any time soon (that I know of, at least...are you???).

My college friends are pretty much all married, living in houses, and almost all of the married couples have children.

Keith and I live in a house. We're married. We tried to have a kid but my body just wouldn't have it.

Where do we fit in?

When I'm with my high school friends and they talk about having children in 3 years or that they don't want to have kids at all because they're so annoying (honest, that was said to my face), what do I say back? Yeah, kids are super annoying because they up and die on you. Or Yeah, maybe if I get over this whole my-kid-is-dead thing I'll join the bandwagon and have another in 5 years.

When I'm with my college friends it's all kids all the time. Everyone has a kid and I get to see and hear all about it. I'd probably do the same thing if Aidan were alive, but he's not. So instead I get to wallow in my misery while they share 5,000 pictures of their newborn. What could I possibly add to a conversation with them? B.S., smalltalk, sadness about Aidan, and the "someday" when I might have a live child of my own?

I don't feel like I fit in with either group right now. I honestly don't care about spending time with either group (although I try, because I'm supposed to, I guess) because I don't feel like I belong. I'm not one of them. I feel like an outcast.

So, fittingly, I have left facebook. Yeah, like that's a huge deal to you, but it is to me. Facebook was my link to everyone - photos, everyday happenings, events. I have no contact with those people now unless they want to e-mail me, text or call (because you all know that I won't). I felt bad hiding everyone so instead I deactivated my account...which I think is a good compromise (and I can still come back if i want). You won't have to see any sad, depressing posts from me and I won't have to see any happy (or mundane) posts of yours.

I'll come back when I no longer feel like an outsider.