february

February is here. I know that's quite the obvious statement, but I've been dreading its arrival. Aidan was born in February, and in less than 20 days it will be his birthday.

February is my least favorite month of the year, and it has been since even before Aidan died. February is the month of gloom and depression. Winter has usually kicked in full force by now, several inches of snow blanket the ground, and you're not sure if you'll ever see a sunny day again. February is when seasonal affective disorder kicks in for me, when my saddest thoughts occupy my mind and make me just want to give up on everything. Aidan's death made February even worse.

Surprisingly we have had a very mild winter this year (so far). We've had some snow accumulate on the ground, but within the next day or so the sun comes out and melts it all away.  I was actually smiling on my drive home from work Monday night because the night hadn't come yet, the sun was setting behind me, and the entire sky was painted in these glorious faded shades of a rainbow. It was so beautiful.

But it is still February and I am waiting for the winter to come and the depression to kick in. I have been thinking a lot about Aidan's birth/death/angel-day and what we should do. That day is already special in my mind, but I don't want to treat it as an ordinary day. I don't want to sit at home and do laundry and play computer games all day. I want to DO something. But... not with other people. Just me and Keith. I don't think I could show up to an event, hang out with friends or go to a party that day. Not yet, at least.  A few months ago my coworker revealed that he, too, had lost a child. The day he told me this was the day of his son's angelversary. It seemed so strange that he was even there, at work, acting as if it were a normal day. Aidan's birthday is on a Sunday this year, which I am thankful for (no work, no commitments), but I would probably take the day off if it were on a workday. I then found out that my coworker's child died several years ago from a degenerative medical condition. He was 8 years old. So he's had a few years of angelversary practice. I was surprised to hear that he had lost a son too, but saddened as the list of friends and family who have lost a child (children) is ever-growing.  We had a beer at the end of the day to celebrate his son's short life. I wonder if he did anything else to celebrate.. or mourn.. that day. I never asked. But I hope that someday I can make it through Aidan's birthday with the calm and ease that my coworker presented.

So what will we do?  I want to do something that we can do every year. Turn it into a tradition. That no matter where we are or what our life has become, we can celebrate/mourn Aidan's life and death the same way each year.  One thing I would really like to do is bake a cake. I've seen other babylost parents do this, and I think it's a fantastic idea. I love to bake and who doesn't have cake on their birthday?  I think I've figured out what kind of cake to bake as well, but I'll leave that as a surprise in case I change my mind.  I would like to go somewhere that day too.. even if it's just to a movie or out to dinner. Something we would have done as a family if he were still alive.  Lastly, I would love it if *you* did something special on his birthday. Something in honor of Aidan.  Light a candle, donate clothes or blankets or hats to a hospital, release a balloon, gaze at the sunrise or sunset, or just say a little prayer for him. Take a picture of it or tell me about what you did.  Just knowing that someone else is out there thinking of him on his birthday means so much to me.  My e-mail address is godess (at) comcast.net. (Yes, one d. It's lame, I know, but I've had it since middle school.) Aidan was born on February 26, 2011 at 7:09pm.  Thank you to all who would like to celebrate his short life with me. I truly appreciate it.