waiting

I made an appointment with the OBGYN group I went to while pregnant with Aidan to discuss... options, I guess.   There's nothing seriously wrong with me, that I know of, but I think there are some factors playing against me that are preventing me from getting pregnant again. My hypothesis is a too-short luteal phase based on the charting I've done these past few months. This means, if I'm correct, that they'll put me on Clomid or something similar.  Or maybe give me a cream. Or do nothing and let me fend for myself. Who knows.

I didn't chart or test before Aidan so I don't know what my luteal phase was like back then, but my cycle length was about the same as it is now.  So maybe I got really lucky with Aidan, or my body just fucking hates me now. I guess we'll see.

I'm just so tired of all this waiting.

My alarm goes off at 7:30 every morning so I can take my temperature. Sometimes I go back to bed, sometimes I get up. I get ready, go to work or do whatever I need to do that day, but it's really just waiting until I can go home and relax - crochet or whatever - then go to sleep so I can wake up again and take my temperature. On a bigger scale it's waiting for each week to pass as I get closer and closer to ovulation.. then it's waiting for more weeks to pass as AF approaches.  On an even bigger scale, it's waiting for each wasted month to pass until I finally see that second line of hope.

I'm waiting for tomorrow to get here. I'm waiting for two weeks to pass by. I'm waiting for 9 or 10 or 11 months down the road when I might finally have a living, breathing, healthy child in my arms. My own child.  I'm trying to enjoy life, but it's hard with all this waiting to do.