11 months

I'm feeling much better this month compared to the last ten. I'm still not pregnant (that I know of, at least) but.. I feel like I have hope again. Real hope. I don't know if it's just the start of a new year or what.

2011 was the worst year of my life, and it seems like such a blur now. The year started off so wonderfully, then Aidan died, and then... it's like I was in one of those movies or commercials where I'm standing still, but the world is whizzing by me in colorful streaks.  And now we're here, almost to February, the month of Aidan's death.  I don't know how I made it this long.

Over the weekend I put together a 2012 photo calendar, using a template from younghouselove.com. The idea is you are supposed to include one picture from each month of the previous year in your calendar. So the January 2012 page has a picture from January 2011, and so on.  It's a cute idea and I had fun working on it. What amazes me is how much I did last year. In almost every month I had more than one event to choose pictures from, and when I finally narrowed it down to one event I still had soooo many to decide upon.  February was the only month that I did  not attend a single event, at least not one where I took pictures or have pictures. So.. I used Aidan's ultrasound picture. That's his month, anyway. And he's my son, part of our family, and deserves to be in my calendar. Our kitties didn't make it in.. surprisingly I did not take many pictures of them last year.I haven't printed the calendar yet, so maybe I'll go back and work them in somehow. Anyway, in case you're curious, here are some of the pages:

Since my photo collection from last year is so surprisingly large, I made a list of every major thing I did (and by I, I mean Keith too as he took part in practically all of these events as well)...

Traveled to New York City for work five times
Traveled to Los Angeles for work once
Traveled to Amsterdam for work/vacation
Traveled to Frankenmuth, Kansas City, Lewiston, San Francisco, Napa Valley, and Mackinac Island for vacation
Attended four weddings
Took a driving tour of Michigan to visit nine breweries
Keith got tattoo #2 (don't believe I ever posted a picture of this.. soon, soon.)
Rode in a hot air balloon for the first time
Learned how to crochet and made 7 blankets and 4 stuffed animals, among other things
Grew pumpkins in our back yard for the first time
Met my best friend's daughter and attended her baptism
Met my son and held his ashes

Only three of the above events occurred before Aidan died, and they were all work related. That's quite the accomplishment, isn't it? For someone who's just lost their child?

I also hung out with my friends, a lot. More so at the end of the year, but I still went. I cried, I laughed, I smiled. I found out how amazing and supportive they truly are. And my husband, who put up with my last minute event cancellations when I just could not compose myself, my endless crying, all of the depressed and angry days. He might not always get it, but he is truly my rock.

I wasn't planning on writing this much, but I guess I had to make up for several weeks of nothing. 2011 sucked, but just look at that list. I am amazed at myself.. I survived the year of hell.  Next comes February, which I am a little apprehensive of, but I know it's coming whether I like it or not. I will save the rest for another post.



As always, my sweet Aidan, I love you so much. I wish I had memories of you sleeping, breathing, talking, playing, walking. All I can do is imagine. Oh if only I could live in my dreams.

a new year

Hello, 2012.  So far you are not as fantastic as how 2011 started, but you are definitely better than how it ended. I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried this year. Go me!  Oh.. wait, it's only January 9.  That's not much of an accomplishment, is it?

I don't really have any resolutions. I never make any, though. I figure that I shouldn't need a new year to start bettering myself.. I should do that on my own.  Or perhaps I'm just lazy. Yeah, that's probably it.

Over the holidays a lot of my family got together - which we haven't done in ages - so I of course took a bunch of pictures and posted them on facebook. A cousin who didn't attend this gathering commented on the album, saying he wished he could have been there. I'm sure he could have made it, but that's not the point. In another comment he randomly said, Oh, by the way, I'm engaged and I have a son named Aidan now.  "Beautiful baby boy" were his exact words. I kind of figured he had a son since I tend to stalk people on facebook and I saw a bunch of pictures of him with a little boy, so it wasn't much of a shock to hear the news, but why did he post it as a comment on one of my albums?  Does he not know about my Aidan?  Perhaps he doesn't.  I don't plaster facebook with my grief.. The people who know about my Aidan are the ones who were told by my family and friends. Or the ones who saw my.. what.. 2 statuses? Anyway....  I kind of want to comment back on my album and say "Hey, guess what, I had a son too. His name is also Aidan. But he died."   Would that be inappropriate? 

Sometimes I still want to shout to the world and proclaim that he died. To let everyone know that it still sucks, life is not perfect, I'm still grieving, and then command them to treasure every single happy moment they have because you never know when life will turn to shit. But don't throw your happiness in my face because I can't handle that.  I still enjoy hiding and protecting myself from the things that hurt me. The people that hurt me. The comments and the lack of comments.  I know you don't know what to say to me, and you're afraid that you'll hurt me or make me cry, but if you're thinking it then SAY IT.  Who cares if I cry? It's not like I haven't cried in public before. My biggest issue with crying in public is that I can't talk.. because I can't get the words out and because I sound stupid (cracking, high-pitched, wailing voice.. yeah not so good). So I just sit there and nod my head with my mouth shut and tears streaming down my face. Anyway, the point is...

I'm rambling. That's what the point is. Just getting these thoughts out there. Perhaps I should be more vocal in person.. not online.. about my thoughts and feelings. That could be a resolution for me. Nah, screw resolutions. Let's just make it a step towards bettering myself. 2012: The year of betterment. 

10 months

We've made it through the holidays so far without you. It's been hard. I haven't cried yet but there have been some close calls, especially on Christmas eve. We got together with your grandfather's side of the family as we do every year (would you have called him Nonno instead of grandfather? I would hope so.) It was nice, but it was difficult seeing my cousin and their 1.5 year old and remembering last year when I announced to the entire family that I was pregnant with you - my cousin even got it on video! It was such a magical and special moment. No one said anything about you, but don't worry, I imagined you were right there with me the whole evening. You were with me, in my heart. I think you were in their hearts too.

I finally put up ornaments on our Christmas tree. Yours was first. Yours will always be first. It looks so beautiful on the tree and fits in perfectly with the red and gold theme. My angel ornaments are surrounding you above and family ornaments surround you below. We wish you were here. We miss you so much. We love you always and forever.


Merry Christmas baby boy.

so far december sucks

Oh, hello there. I have not forgotten about you.

A lot has happened. Some of which I prefer not to share.

Let me update you.

Seven is not a lucky number, therefore I started Clomid. I took the pills, as directed, on days 3-7 of my cycle. I had a few light headaches, some chills and some pain around my ovaries, but that all went away after a few days. I'm nearing ovulation now, and the pain has picked back up, although it's more of a constant, dull or burning pain instead of the quick, sharp pains I had before. I've actually lost a few pounds too - I don't know if that's just due to my diet or if it's really the medicine, but from what I've read women will more often gain weight on Clomid than lose. My depression level seems to have spiked today...again, maybe due to the medicine, or not. My neck and shoulders have been sore all day - apparently I slept funny last night - and they would hurt every time I checked my blind spots while driving home from work this evening. I started thinking of how much I'd love a massage, but can't get one from Keith because he has arthritis in his hands. And then I started crying. And I'm crying now. WTF? Because I want a massage? Oh these are going to be a fun few days... or weeks. How long does this emotional shit last?

Keith put up our fake Christmas tree about a week and a half ago. I put the tree skirt around it, hung a garland on our mirror in the living room, and that's it. I have not put ornaments on the tree yet. I dont know if I will. I feel like I should but.. I just don't give a fuck about Christmas. I sent out cards today, though. And we put up lights outside. So maybe I give a little bit of a fuck.

The sapphire ring Keith gave me for Mother's day broke. IT BROKE. MY MOTHER'S DAY RING BROKE. We were at my company's holiday party on Friday and somehow while we were dancing the sapphire and the posts holding it just popped right off. I had gone to the bathroom and noticed it was gone after washing my hands. I am so amazed that I did not break down right then and there. I found Keith, showed him the ring, and the hunt was on. The waitstaff was searching, women in the bathroom were searching, fellow coworkers were searching.. and finally after maybe 10-15 minutes my very best coworker found it lying on the ground against a wall. I took it to my aunt (our family jeweler) the next day and she sent it off to be fixed. She called today and said it's ready, but due to work and her hours I won't be able to pick it up till Friday. But let me go back to the fact that it BROKE. What does that mean? It means nothing, right? Of course. But you know what went through my head. That ring was given to me as a symbol that I am a mom. But it broke. So I am not really a mom. It's all a farce. I am broken. I am a "mom" to a dead child. I can't even get pregnant again to give myself a second shot at being a real mom. Thank you, life. Thank you, world. I get it. You suck.

About two weeks before this happened I found out my best friend is pregnant, again. And then my period started.


And now you are caught up.


Merry fucking christmas.

drugs

I meet with a doctor today to discuss my options. It was difficult to talk and listen to him inbetween my sobs, but I made it through. I only saw two noticeably pregnant women at the office, so that was nice. I haven't been that close to a pregnant woman in a while. Ten feet is close, people. Close enough.

I had seen this doctor once while I was pregnant but he didn't seem to remember me. That's ok.. he sees a lot of women...in a professional manner, of course. I told him my story and what my cycle is like right now. My cycle length is fine (even though I think it's short), but he seemed to think my luteal phase is too short - it's around 11 days. If I were a typical "average" woman I'd have a cycle length of 28 days, with ovulation on day 14 and a luteal phase of 14 days. I bet there are like 2 women in the world who are normal like that. Maybe 3. Anyway, I haven't been charting that long but so far I've been ovulating on day 15/16 with a 26/27 day cycle.

So, technically, I'm normal. The doctor made a point to tell me this, but he thankfully is not a stupid doctor and said it would be ok to start me on some medicine to see if it will help get things going. He wants me to get pregnant. In many cases doctors or fertility specialists will tell couples to try for 6-12 months and then they'll start testing. The fact that we got pregnant before is a good sign. And while we've been trying since June (so not a full 6 months), I've gone through 6 cycles now without getting pregnant. That's a long-ass time when you've gone through a miscarriage and the only thing you want right now is to get pregnant again.

He wrote me two prescriptions: One for folic acid and one for Clomid. Folic acid is said to help reduce the risk of infant spinal cord birth defects. Clomid is an estrogen receptor blocker, so it fools my brain, ovaries, etc. into thinking that I am not producing enough estrogen. This influences them to produce more estrogen and thus encourage ovulation. Now, according to my temperature charts, I am already ovulating normally (maybe a little late in respect to my cycle length), but it's been reported that Clomid can help you ovulate BETTER.. so a better chance of pregnancy. It also raises the chance that your follicles will release more than one egg, so a higher chance for twins.

I'll start the folic acid right away, but since I'm in the middle of a cycle I can't start the Clomid yet. Apparently you only take it on days 3 through 7 of your cycle. Maybe I won't even need it. Maybe cycle #7 will be our lucky number.

If not, we'll try for a few more months on Clomid, and if I still don't get pregnant we'll go back to the doctor and have him run some tests on the both of us.

Fun, fun.

9 months

It's been nine months since you left us, baby boy. We've missed you every minute of every day. I can't stop myself from imagining life with you alive. Oh, how wonderful thanksgiving would he have been with you here. You'd get passed around from family member to family member, each one wanting to hold you forever and gaze at your beautiful face. Christmas will be hard.

Yesterday we went out to dinner to celebrate your uncle's birthday. Nonna came too. It was really hard to watch her chase after a stranger's children, trying to talk to them and entertain them. I felt terrible that I couldn't provide a little bundle of joy for her to play with, not even something to look forward to.

Perhaps next year we'll have a brother or sister for you. They will never replace you. Nothing will. It would be nice to have something to fill this void in my life, though. Hope, love, happiness. I try. I am trying to be better and get through life without you. It's just so hard.

But who said it would be easy?

Love you always.

thanks

One year ago today we found out I was pregnant with Aidan. We didn't tell family members or friends right away, which was pretty amazing since Thanksgiving was the next day followed by an annual get-together of my high school friends. Somehow we kept that secret to ourselves for a few more weeks.

I wish I had a secret to spill today.

Instead I am trying to be thankful, as we all should on this day, for everything I still have. My house, my health, my job, my husband, my friends and family who are still here and relatively healthy.

It's just hard to be thankful when something so precious has been taken from you. His absence does make me more thankful for the things I have, when I realize how much I do have. But.. I'd give up my job if I could have my son back.  I'd be homeless in another country far away from my friends and family if it meant I could have my son back. My husband, well he's the one thing I need with me. I can't give him up. And, I suppose, my health.

Anyway, I am not bargaining here. I am just having a discussion. With myself. Look at what you have, self. Be appreciative of all the things that are good. Your freedom in this country, the yarn you will buy tonight, your amazing husband who's cleaning the yard, the chance to beta test the new Star Wars game on Saturday (and stop being bitter that everyone else gets to test it before you!). Be thankful.  Say thank you. Recognize those around you who have done amazing things for you.

How many times must I say this before it sinks in?


Enjoy your thanksgiving, everyone. Try not to eat too much.