two years

I did not get dressed today.

I decided a few weeks ago that today might be a day where I should work from home.

And I did.

I took care of our beautiful rainbow baby as well, and let me tell you it is tough to work and take care of a baby at the same time. But I managed, both to take care of her and to get some work done.

Today was not as bad as I was expecting it to be, I think mainly because I did not have time to stop and fully think about things. I feel like I have a big cry to let out, but all I have managed are a few tears here and there.  A few things never left my mind today, however: how much I love and miss Aidan, and how much I love and am so grateful for our little Enora.

Aidan's bear (from the orchid plant my parents gave him last year), a beautiful personalized wooden block from my dear friend Cindy (Enora has a matching block), and a burning candle (in red, of course) in his honor

This time last year I was pregnant with Enora, about 7 weeks along. She was just a gummy bear on a screen back then, a little gummy bear of hope.  I 100% believe that just being pregnant with her made Aidan's angelversary last year so much easier, and this year having her alive and in my arms has again helped me to get through this day.

Since it was a work day we didn't have time to do much (last year it was on a Sunday and went to the movies), but Keith made a delicious pasta dish with homemade sauce and I tried out a new recipe for a "healthy" strawberry truffle pie.

I apparently didn't give it enough time to freeze/set, but it still tasted good

We also enjoyed a fancy bottle of wine, in honor of our little boy.

Earlier in the day I attempted to take some pictures of Enora and Aidan and some of his things. Yes, this may be weird for some of you. too bad.

holding on to Aidan's bear

Yes, this picture is goofy. But I imagine that if Aidan were here, they would both be making the same expression: eww I have to sit next to her/him?? Ah, sibling love.

Friends and family: your love and support has meant so much to us. You all have again proven how lucky we are to have you in our lives. Thank you for donating to charities in Aidan's name, for sending pictures and all of the good thoughts. 

The candle I lit earlier in the day has just burnt out, so I think that's a sign for me to go to bed.  Aidan: you know that I love you and always will, but I just have to write it and say it and think it as often as I can. Thank you for watching over us and keeping your little sister safe and happy. I hope you are having a grand ole time wherever you are with your great-grandparents and all of your other relatives and friends.  I love you so much baby boy!

the end of 2012

2013 is 12 hours away so I figured I should get one last post in before the new year...

I miss Aidan every day. I cry for him. I gaze at his ashes and his ornament on our tree and am overwhelmed by the fact that he is not here for what should be his second Christmas and new year.

But.

I am so in love with my daughter.  I am so thankful that she is here. She is alive.. she is healthy.. she is a smiley, happy, wonderful baby and my life is so much better with her in it.

How can it be possible to be so happy and so sad at the same time?

Regardless, the holidays went wonderfully this year. I got to enjoy them (as much as I could) and show off our beautiful daughter to my friends and family. Everyone loves her, practically as much as we do, and it is just amazing to see the joy in *their* faces when she smiles.

Overall I would have to say that 2012 was a good year.. it started off terribly and there were several rough patches but we made it through. We have a new years day party to attend tomorrow.. last year I locked myself in the bathroom and cried because I couldn't handle the sight and sound of my cousin's 1-year old. I assume she and her newborn (just 10 days older than Enora) will be there again this year. I don't think I will lock myself in the bathroom this time.

Sometimes while feeding or holding her Enora will just smile. Sometimes at me, but often times she will be looking off into the corner of our living room where Aidan's ashes are.  Last night she was smiling at our Christmas tree. I kept looking over my shoulder, hoping to get a glimpse of whatever was bringing her joy - could it be Aidan? my grandpa who passed in July? my uncle? grandma? nonno? - but I saw nothing. All I saw was the beautiful smile on her face and I really hope it was one (or all or any) of them saying "hello."

I am looking forward to 2013. I am looking forward to watching my daughter grow up and bask in her innocence. Every smile makes me love her even more...though every smile makes me wish her older brother were here to laugh and smile with her, to play and teach her things only a brother could. 2013 will teach us how to be a better family - the three of us on earth and Aidan in our hearts. We will learn and grow and we'll try to enjoy this year instead of fear it.

I welcome you with open arms, 2013, and thank you, 2012, for the change you brought. My heart will never truly heal, but I'm thankful for my little ray of sunshine who brought some light into my life.

birth story

Here we go.. This is long, so don't feel inclined to read! It's so I don't have to remember the details. There are pictures at the bottom, though.

I woke up at 3:30 the morning of October 12 (Friday) for a trip to the bathroom. I felt a bit more awake than usual, which I've heard from a few people is a sign that "something" is going to happen soon. I tried not to think much of it and attempted to fall back asleep.  It always takes me at least an hour to fall asleep, and while I was playing sudoku on my phone I felt a contraction.  I had been feeling contractions off and on for the past week or so - maybe 3-5 a day, so it wasn't surprising, but I again wondered if labor would start soon. About 10 minutes later I felt another contraction, and that really got my mind going. I pulled up my contraction timer app on my phone and started timing in between playing sudoku. After an hour I realized I was having contractions every 8-10 minutes. There was no way I was going back to sleep at that point so I just kept timing and playing games. Eventually Keith's alarm went off and it was time for him to get up. After he showered I casually mentioned that I was having regular contractions, although far apart. He didn't say much, but I think he started to get nervous/anxious at that point. I got out of bed finally and told Keith that I'd let him know if the contractions changed, then he went off to work.

I had been working from home the past two weeks so I didn't have to get ready for work or anything, but I decided in case this was the day that I'd "prepare" myself so I showered, actually blow-dried my hair and all that jazz. I did have a doctor appointment to attend that morning, and we found out I was 2-3 cm dilated and  70% effaced. I told him about the contractions and we decided to stretch my membranes to hopefully speed up the contractions and get me into labor. He believed that I'd deliver that day or the next, but just in case we scheduled an induction date for the following Thursday.

When I got home I texted Keith with all of the news and began working. Soon I noticed that my contractions had picked up some. They weren't painful - really just some tightening of my abdomen or mild period cramps   - but they were happening 2-3 minutes apart!  I continued to time them, told Keith about the change and suggested that he come home. That was the fastest he had ever left work! He picked up some lunch on the way home (Checker's! I love their fries), but when he got home I worried that I had told him to come home too soon. The contractions were still light, but same frequency. The doctors had previously told me to come to the hospital if I was having contractions 5 minutes apart or less, so around 2 I finally decided that we should head to the hospital.   I finished packing my hospital bag (and Keith his) and off we were!

At the hospital they checked me and said I was about 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced. Not enough to be admitted, but while I was hooked up to the heart monitor, they noticed baby girl's heartrate was dropping during the contractions. They had me change positions so I was lying on my side instead of my back and monitored me for an hour. Things improved, and this time my doctor checked me and said I was 3.5-4cm dilated and said I could be admitted. Woo!

They moved me to the birthing suite and hooked me up to a saline IV. After an hour they checked me and I wasn't progressing much, so the doctor broke my water (6:30pm). I'm group B strep positive so they started antibiotics at that time as well. Contractions were still 2-3 minutes apart and getting stronger, but not strong enough, so they started pitocin. I was about 4cm at that point. We ran through two cycles (?) of pitocin when I decided it was time for an epidural. I had always planned on getting an epidural (why deal with the pain when we have all of this amazing medicine?) but I wanted to see how much I was willing to tolerate before getting it. I could have waited it out longer but I figured being comfortable was better than testing my pain tolerance.  The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epi - it hurt a bit more this time than it did with Aidan, but amazingly it worked on both sides of my body!  I was so thrilled! After this point it was really just a waiting game. I labored through the night and into the next day, trying to get as much sleep as I could. My blood pressure was a bit low from the epidural so sometime in the morning they gave me a shot of epinephrine! I actually liked it - it gave me some energy which I was going to need for the long labor ahead. I also threw up a few times, due to the epidural or just labor itself, so they also gave me Zofran. I don't think I've ever had so many medicines pumped into me before! The Zofran helped my nausea, and around 11am on the 13th my parents came up to the hospital to wait for baby girl's arrival.

The nurse kept upping the pitocin and my cervix was dilating about 1cm every 2-3 hours. The dilation stalled at 8cm, which means I was threatened with a C-section since I wasn't progressing.  I really didn't want one, but I would do anything for my baby girl as long as she came out healthy! The doctor decided to try lowering my pitocin and then upping it again to see if that would kick-start my contractions.  It worked! The contractions picked up and they put me in a completely up-right position in bed (the bed turns into a chair position), which was strangely comfortable, to encourage her to drop down since she was sitting around a 0/+1 station for a while (too high up).

I could slowly feel her moving down since (TMI ALERT!) the pressure on my rectum increased. That was an interesting feeling! The pressure kept getting worse and worse, which is something the epidural can't help with. I was checked again and we found I was 9cm, then 9.5, and the doctor helped out at that point and had me push while he spread my cervix the rest of the way to the full 10cm. Now labor can begin!

They put me back into a reclined position in bed, and the nurse had me start pushing (around 2:15pm). I hadn't taken any labor or lamaze classes, but I knew that you had to push as if you were moving your bowels and that there was a good chance I'd poop on the table! The nurse of course helped and told me how to push and when and how long: 3 big pushes per contraction was our goal.

This is where labor gets its name! With each contraction I would do my best to give three good pushes. For whatever reason my first push was always the best, the second was good, but with the third it felt different and therefore I couldn't push as hard or as long as the first two. I'd rest for a minute or two inbetween the contractions and then push again. Oh my that rectal pain was intense! And then when she was crowning I had the added joy of pain around that area. "I want to see results!" was what I said to my mom and Keith who were holding my legs while I pushed. It felt like I was doing so much, but each push only brought her head out a millimeter at a time, and then her head would go back in after I was done pushing. After almost 2.5 hours of pushing, the doctor realized that I was just not going to stretch enough on my own, so he had to do an episiotomy. I was so caught up in the pain of the pressure that I'm not sure I felt him do it, but both Keith and my mom got to watch and apparently it was horrifying! I believe he did the episiotomy during a contraction and immediately after he pulled out the forceps and used them to get my baby girl out and into this world. Again.. PRESSURE!  I was not prepared for that amount of pressure and all the pain that accompanies it.

The moment she was out, she let out a cute little scream, and the doctor put her on my stomach so Keith could cut the umbilical cord. I was in shock and in a ton of pain, but so so so happy that she was out and alive!  The doctor stitched me up (more pain! I could feel the needle going in and out) while the nurses cleaned up our little girl. Keith took some pictures, and minutes later she was all bundled up and in my arms. I started crying. One, because I was in pain, Two because she was out and alive!, Three because I was thinking of Aidan and my deceased relatives who were surely watching over us this day.

It's day 5, baby girl is doing great and I'm still recovering, but now the story of Enora can begin.

And for the record, I did not poop on the table!

she's here

Our baby girl is finally here!
Enora Lucia was born October 13, 2012 at 4:39pm, weighing 7lb 8.8oz and 21 3/4in long. She and I are doing fine. Birth story to come.

almost there part 2

Sorry everyone, I totally owe you a post about what's been going on.  I am still pregnant - 39 weeks and 3 days today - and surprisingly I feel really good.  I've read and heard a lot of stories about how uncomfortable and tired and stressed women get at this stage in their pregnancy, but I really can't complain. I'm tired, and yes she pokes me and tries to escape through my side or my butt, but it's not as bad as I was imagining it to be. I almost feel like I'm meant to be pregnant because I've had so few complications and my body is handling it really well (ignoring the short cervix debacle). I probably didn't even need to go on bed rest. Ever since they took me off it at 34 weeks, I've been walking around and doing things as I normally would, and my cervix has only changed a little bit. As of Friday I am 1-2cm dilated, 70% effaced, and -3 station.  My doctors will let me go a week late, but any longer than that and they will induce. The one I met with on Friday said she thinks I'll go before that.. I hope so!

I still feel that twinge whenever I hear about a new pregnancy or someone else goes through a pregnancy and delivers a happy, healthy baby. I am happy for them of course, but it always reminds me of Aidan. I cried pretty hard for the first time in a while about him last night. I was watching Long Island Medium where she read a woman who had lost her child at 5 months gestation. Theresa told the woman that her son's spirit was there while she was holding his lifeless body and he was thankful to her for holding him. That right there got me going. I didn't hold Aidan. I don't know why.. I wanted to see him, but I didn't want to hold him. Maybe I was afraid that holding him would make it real. I remember when the nurse brought him to us all cleaned up and in his little basket, she moved his arm a bit and all I could think was NO! Don't touch him!   I'd give anything to hold him now, and after hearing how thankful that little boy was of his mom holding him, I just feel even worse now that I never held him or even touched him. I hope he isn't mad at me.

I do have a story to share from a while ago. Back when I was 17 weeks pregnant I took my weekly pregnancy photo with Aidan's box. I didn't photograph this, but I took his little bag of ashes out of his box and talked to him a bit and held him. I then put his ashes on my belly and said to our little girl, "This is your brother, Aidan."  I immediately felt a kick in the exact spot I was holding his ashes. I was barely feeling kicks at all at that point, especially when standing, so the fact that she even kicked and I felt it was amazing.  Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe she knew, but I will always treasure that moment and I will make sure to tell her about it and her big brother.

almost there

I am 33 weeks along now; just 7 more till her due date and just one more till our goal gestational date.  It's amazing to think I've lasted almost 9 weeks with a funneling, 1.5 cm long cervix.

I've done extremely well with the modified bed rest. My doctors said it was ok to use stairs every now and then, which has given me a little more freedom, so I've been able to check up on our basement bathroom remodel. We went through Home Depot (24 month financing!) because it required a lot of underground plumbing work and it has taken much longer than expected, but it's a blessing in disguise as I've been able to work from home while the workers are here, allowing me to rest more and not have to rush in the morning to get ready for work.

I've done some shopping too, both on my own and with Keith or a friend. I allow myself to go into the smaller stores, like CVS, to pick up a prescription or something quick without using a wheelchair or scooter, but at bigger stores like Target and JoAnn's I definitely use one. I kind of feel like a dork (or some other appropriate term) when I am riding around a store by myself. I am extremely self-conscious and can only imagine the thoughts running through peoples' heads as they see the lazy pregnant lady scooting around the store, bumping into things (still getting a hang of maneuvering!), yet can get up and walk out to her car no problem. Yes, it is stupid to think these things but we all know it's not easy to turn off our minds. I just keep reminding myself that it's for baby girl (whom is currently hiccuping) and you have a perfectly valid reason to be riding around in a scooter!  I also feel awkward being pushed around in a wheelchair, mainly because I'm inconveniencing the person who's pushing, but at least I have some company. Many many thanks to Jenn and Keith for pushing me around JoAnn's and Buy Buy Baby and to Liz for taking me to an art fair and pushing me around in 90 degree weather. That is friendship!

Health-wise I am doing pretty well. My cervix has not changed length nor has it funneled any more. What's interesting is you can actually watch my cervix fill with fluid during a transvaginal ultrasound - the u/s tech will have me bear down, which I assume pushes all the fluid out, then a minute or two later it fills back up again. She says it's not amniotic fluid, but just regular, whatever's-up-in-there fluid. Not her words. Around 28 weeks I had my glucose test and happily found out that I do not have gestational diabetes (my level was 86, whatever that means). After the test I had some bloodwork done and the results said I had a slightly high white cell count. My doctor was going to brush that off at first, as it's normal for pregnant women to have a higher white cell count than non-pregnant women, but when I reminded her that I had a really high white count with Aidan and no signs of the BV that was ravaging my uterus, she decided to put me on a week's worth of antibiotics. Good thing, because just a few days later we found out I had a UTI! I had never had one before, and after reading about the symptoms I suppose I had some of them (very minor, though) but I attributed everything to the many side effects of pregnancy. The UTI is all cleared up now, and I'm doing my best to be more aware of my body.

Because my cervix hasn't changed, my doctors moved me back to bi-weekly appointments instead of weekly, and we stopped doing the cervical ultrasounds (although I did have a measurement u/s and got some cute 3D pictures out of it). So now we are really just in a waiting game. My dad, who knows things, keeps saying she will be born in October, so I am keeping hope that my little pumpkin baby will hold out until then. With everything that's been going on, she'll probably stay in past her due date and I'll need to be induced!

There are a few more things I could write about but this post is long enough. I will try to update more often, but I've been pretty decent at doing minor updates at An Caisteal, so feel free to check that out if you don't mind reading about the happier side of things.

my grampie

I had started writing up a post for you all last week, just a little update on the fact that not much has changed since my last post. Then I found out on Tuesday that my grandfather died.

He was 85 years old, not in the best health but I certainly did not think he was going to pass so soon. I had just seen him on Friday when we went out to dinner with him and some of my family. That was the first time I had seen him this pregnancy.  No, he didn't live far from me at all. I'm just a terrible granddaughter that never visited.   He was happy to see me and Keith, though, along with the rest of the family - some who were in town visiting that weekend.

I'm not going to write a ton about him here, at least not now. There's a lot I could say, both good and bad, but I'll leave it at I think he was overall a good man, and although he seemed to treat his children and grandchildren unfairly, perhaps he treated them in the way they needed to be treated, and helped them in the way they needed to be helped.

My grandpa had 6 kids (he and my grandma divorced many years ago; she died in '91), 12 grandchildren, and depending on how you look at it, between 3 and 7 great-grandchildren. Three great-grandchildren are definitely accounted for and living, a 4th might exist (not sure if a cousin has two kids or just one), Aidan died, the 6th is growing in my womb, and the 7th is growing in another cousin's womb.  On his obituary only 4 great-grandchildren were noted, the 4th being the one that might exist.  I was there when they were writing out the obituary. I could have spoken up and said well what about Aidan, but I didn't.  I could have spoken up and said well what about the ones that are growing, but I didn't. What is protocol for this?   My uncle, who passed in '03, was listed as "the late" son.  I guess it's not a big deal. If the 4th one doesn't exist then we can pretend that was for Aidan. Or this one. Or the other one.

I was a bit of a mess last week after finding out about his death. I cried a lot, and luckily I've been working from home so I didn't have to put on a show in front of my coworkers. The thought I kept returning to was how much I wanted him to meet his future great-granddaughter, and he won't get to. I only have one grandparent left now, and none on Keith's side. Please please please let my grandma stay alive until she's born. Please let her meet my child. I guess my grandpa does get to meet one of them. He finally got to meet Aidan.