It's been nine months since you left us, baby boy. We've missed you every minute of every day. I can't stop myself from imagining life with you alive. Oh, how wonderful thanksgiving would he have been with you here. You'd get passed around from family member to family member, each one wanting to hold you forever and gaze at your beautiful face. Christmas will be hard.
Yesterday we went out to dinner to celebrate your uncle's birthday. Nonna came too. It was really hard to watch her chase after a stranger's children, trying to talk to them and entertain them. I felt terrible that I couldn't provide a little bundle of joy for her to play with, not even something to look forward to.
Perhaps next year we'll have a brother or sister for you. They will never replace you. Nothing will. It would be nice to have something to fill this void in my life, though. Hope, love, happiness. I try. I am trying to be better and get through life without you. It's just so hard.
But who said it would be easy?
Love you always.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
thanks
One year ago today we found out I was pregnant with Aidan. We didn't tell family members or friends right away, which was pretty amazing since Thanksgiving was the next day followed by an annual get-together of my high school friends. Somehow we kept that secret to ourselves for a few more weeks.
I wish I had a secret to spill today.
Instead I am trying to be thankful, as we all should on this day, for everything I still have. My house, my health, my job, my husband, my friends and family who are still here and relatively healthy.
It's just hard to be thankful when something so precious has been taken from you. His absence does make me more thankful for the things I have, when I realize how much I do have. But.. I'd give up my job if I could have my son back. I'd be homeless in another country far away from my friends and family if it meant I could have my son back. My husband, well he's the one thing I need with me. I can't give him up. And, I suppose, my health.
Anyway, I am not bargaining here. I am just having a discussion. With myself. Look at what you have, self. Be appreciative of all the things that are good. Your freedom in this country, the yarn you will buy tonight, your amazing husband who's cleaning the yard, the chance to beta test the new Star Wars game on Saturday (and stop being bitter that everyone else gets to test it before you!). Be thankful. Say thank you. Recognize those around you who have done amazing things for you.
How many times must I say this before it sinks in?
Enjoy your thanksgiving, everyone. Try not to eat too much.
I wish I had a secret to spill today.
Instead I am trying to be thankful, as we all should on this day, for everything I still have. My house, my health, my job, my husband, my friends and family who are still here and relatively healthy.
It's just hard to be thankful when something so precious has been taken from you. His absence does make me more thankful for the things I have, when I realize how much I do have. But.. I'd give up my job if I could have my son back. I'd be homeless in another country far away from my friends and family if it meant I could have my son back. My husband, well he's the one thing I need with me. I can't give him up. And, I suppose, my health.
Anyway, I am not bargaining here. I am just having a discussion. With myself. Look at what you have, self. Be appreciative of all the things that are good. Your freedom in this country, the yarn you will buy tonight, your amazing husband who's cleaning the yard, the chance to beta test the new Star Wars game on Saturday (and stop being bitter that everyone else gets to test it before you!). Be thankful. Say thank you. Recognize those around you who have done amazing things for you.
How many times must I say this before it sinks in?
Enjoy your thanksgiving, everyone. Try not to eat too much.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
short rant
Why do people insist on posting pictures of other people's babies on facebook? "OMG it's my friend's cousin's best friend's daughter! isn't she so fucking cute?" And why do they make other people's babies their profile picture??? YOU ARE NOT A BABY. YOU ARE NOT RELATED TO THIS PERSON. Or maybe you are. IF YOU ARE I DON'T CARE! YOU ARE NOT A BABY!!! I don't get it. Seriously people. I haven't hidden you because you are not pregnant and have not recently had a child and do not (for the most part) post stupid stuff, so why must you pull shit like this and force me to hide you? I don't think I'll have any friends left on my newsfeed by the end of the year.
Monday, November 14, 2011
waiting
I made an appointment with the OBGYN group I went to while pregnant with Aidan to discuss... options, I guess. There's nothing seriously wrong with me, that I know of, but I think there are some factors playing against me that are preventing me from getting pregnant again. My hypothesis is a too-short luteal phase based on the charting I've done these past few months. This means, if I'm correct, that they'll put me on Clomid or something similar. Or maybe give me a cream. Or do nothing and let me fend for myself. Who knows.
I didn't chart or test before Aidan so I don't know what my luteal phase was like back then, but my cycle length was about the same as it is now. So maybe I got really lucky with Aidan, or my body just fucking hates me now. I guess we'll see.
I'm just so tired of all this waiting.
My alarm goes off at 7:30 every morning so I can take my temperature. Sometimes I go back to bed, sometimes I get up. I get ready, go to work or do whatever I need to do that day, but it's really just waiting until I can go home and relax - crochet or whatever - then go to sleep so I can wake up again and take my temperature. On a bigger scale it's waiting for each week to pass as I get closer and closer to ovulation.. then it's waiting for more weeks to pass as AF approaches. On an even bigger scale, it's waiting for each wasted month to pass until I finally see that second line of hope.
I'm waiting for tomorrow to get here. I'm waiting for two weeks to pass by. I'm waiting for 9 or 10 or 11 months down the road when I might finally have a living, breathing, healthy child in my arms. My own child. I'm trying to enjoy life, but it's hard with all this waiting to do.
I didn't chart or test before Aidan so I don't know what my luteal phase was like back then, but my cycle length was about the same as it is now. So maybe I got really lucky with Aidan, or my body just fucking hates me now. I guess we'll see.
I'm just so tired of all this waiting.
My alarm goes off at 7:30 every morning so I can take my temperature. Sometimes I go back to bed, sometimes I get up. I get ready, go to work or do whatever I need to do that day, but it's really just waiting until I can go home and relax - crochet or whatever - then go to sleep so I can wake up again and take my temperature. On a bigger scale it's waiting for each week to pass as I get closer and closer to ovulation.. then it's waiting for more weeks to pass as AF approaches. On an even bigger scale, it's waiting for each wasted month to pass until I finally see that second line of hope.
I'm waiting for tomorrow to get here. I'm waiting for two weeks to pass by. I'm waiting for 9 or 10 or 11 months down the road when I might finally have a living, breathing, healthy child in my arms. My own child. I'm trying to enjoy life, but it's hard with all this waiting to do.
Friday, November 11, 2011
11-11-11
I love the number 11.
It is my favorite.
This should be my favorite day ever.
Something amazing should happen today.
yet i am fighting so hard to hold back my tears.
Just gotta get through today.
Tomorrow awaits.
But I hate waiting.
Can't someone just put me in a coma and wake me up for the important parts?
That would be nice.
At least I'd get a lot of sleep.
It is my favorite.
This should be my favorite day ever.
Something amazing should happen today.
yet i am fighting so hard to hold back my tears.
Just gotta get through today.
Tomorrow awaits.
But I hate waiting.
Can't someone just put me in a coma and wake me up for the important parts?
That would be nice.
At least I'd get a lot of sleep.
Friday, November 4, 2011
solange
Just felt like posting today.
Had everything gone right, sometime around today's date Aidan would be turning 3 months old. Crazy.
I'm waiting for a day when my facebook newsfeed DOESN'T contain a picture of someone's brand new baby. It's sick, people.
I can't read other people's babyloss blogs anymore. They're all too sad. Or they're pregnant again and then I feel like a failure because I'm not. I really don't need others reminding me of this.
Yes, our relationship will be strained (on my part) if you get pregnant before me. But what can we do about that. I'll just hide in my hole again until it's safe to come out.
And now for a 180, this was taken on a recent trip to Mackinaw City. We call her Solange.
At least there's a little bit of happiness in my life.
Had everything gone right, sometime around today's date Aidan would be turning 3 months old. Crazy.
I'm waiting for a day when my facebook newsfeed DOESN'T contain a picture of someone's brand new baby. It's sick, people.
I can't read other people's babyloss blogs anymore. They're all too sad. Or they're pregnant again and then I feel like a failure because I'm not. I really don't need others reminding me of this.
Yes, our relationship will be strained (on my part) if you get pregnant before me. But what can we do about that. I'll just hide in my hole again until it's safe to come out.
And now for a 180, this was taken on a recent trip to Mackinaw City. We call her Solange.
At least there's a little bit of happiness in my life.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)