I have a "happy" blog. I made it back in April with the intent to put happy things up there, AKA not sad things, AKA things like words and pictures that are acceptable for family members to see and read but not necessarily what a BLM would want to see. I was going to share it with family "at some point." Whenever I decided I wanted to be more public about this pregnancy. I shared it with my mom first because I put more ultrasound pictures up there.. and then she shared it with facebook. /facepalm. It's ok though. I am ok with it now.
So I give you the option of viewing it or not. I have been taking weekly pictures where I look very happy and excited for this one, all of which are up there. I have not written a lot, but it's just enough to update others on the happier side of where I am right now.
I will continue to write here as there will always be grief and other things I want to share with *you*, but it will probably be more sporadic. I think I will write another "Right Where I Am" post for Angie... just need to work on it. I've been bad with words lately.
Without further ado, I give you the happy blog: ancaisteal.blogspot.com
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
it's a...
Secret!
No, I won't do that to you. Just keep reading.
The ultrasound was very uneventful. I laid there for about 15 minutes while the ultrasound tech took measurements and photos of the baby. She then brought in Keith and went over everything. Baby is healthy! She said the heart looks great and pointed out the kidneys and spine and bladder. I cried when I first got to see our baby on the ultrasound screen. It was so amazing to be able to see this one moving around in all of that wonderful amniotic fluid that Aidan was so desperately lacking. It's amazing to think that I'm only a few weeks ahead of when Aidan died, yet so much farther in this baby's little life. Each week is a milestone. It's becoming more and more real that we might get to take this one home, alive. I cry just thinking about it.
She finally asked at the end whether we want to know the gender or not. I excitedly nodded my head yes - I am not up for a "gender neutral" anything and do not want a green/yellow shower or nursery. I mentioned that practically everyone I know is having a girl or has had a girl in the past 2 years, and was wondering whether we'd be joining them...
Care to take a guess before I tell you?
No, I won't do that to you. Just keep reading.
The ultrasound was very uneventful. I laid there for about 15 minutes while the ultrasound tech took measurements and photos of the baby. She then brought in Keith and went over everything. Baby is healthy! She said the heart looks great and pointed out the kidneys and spine and bladder. I cried when I first got to see our baby on the ultrasound screen. It was so amazing to be able to see this one moving around in all of that wonderful amniotic fluid that Aidan was so desperately lacking. It's amazing to think that I'm only a few weeks ahead of when Aidan died, yet so much farther in this baby's little life. Each week is a milestone. It's becoming more and more real that we might get to take this one home, alive. I cry just thinking about it.
She finally asked at the end whether we want to know the gender or not. I excitedly nodded my head yes - I am not up for a "gender neutral" anything and do not want a green/yellow shower or nursery. I mentioned that practically everyone I know is having a girl or has had a girl in the past 2 years, and was wondering whether we'd be joining them...
Care to take a guess before I tell you?
Our little one
It's a...
GIRL!
I was surprised for a number of reasons.. my grandma, who I swear just knows things, had guessed a boy (she guessed Aidan correctly), most of my friends and family guessed boy as well, and I was starting to get the feeling that this one would be a boy. I had my doubts though because I did not have the dreams that I had with Aidan, and sure enough we are, in fact, joining my friends and family who have all had girls.
We are so happy because she is healthy and that we have made it this far. Of course we are still nervous and walking on eggshells, but we are hoping that the rest of the pregnancy goes as smoothly as it has and that we will get to take home a live, breathing, healthy little girl in October.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
this week
Just a few things..
Still struggling with how much information regarding Aidan to share with others. My coworker got food poisoning the other day, and I mentioned that I've never had it before. Another coworker stated how lucky I was that I haven't and that he's had it and has never thrown up so much before in his life. Then I realized I've actually had similar symptoms when I was uncontrollably vomiting after taking Flagyl. I don't think this coworker knows about Aidan (he's new) and so I didn't bring it up.
Yesterday this same coworker brought up the movie Rocky, and others commented on how it's a classic and everyone should see it. I mentioned that I've seen it. I did not mention that I saw it at the hospital the morning after giving birth to Aidan.
...
I puked and rallied at lunch yesterday. Some coworkers and I went out for lunch and I was starrrving, so I scarfed down my food when it arrived. I got about halfway through when my stomach decided it wasn't happy. I went to the bathroom, threw it all up, then went back and continued eating.
...
Finding out about others' pregnancies still gives me anxiety, especially the ones who aren't BLMs. Glad everything's going so perfectly well for you.
...
I am dwelling on some comments that people said to me/Keith after Aidan died. Someone said something AWFUL to Keith back then and he just told me about it a few weeks ago, and that of course brought all of the hurtful comments back to my memory. Think before you speak, people. A simple "I'm so sorry" <<hug>> "What can I do to help?" would suffice. You may have a spiritual being in your world that kills children for a reason, but not in mine. And all of my children deserve a name, even if they died in the womb. Fuck you.
...
In happier news, we have the anatomy scan on Monday, so hopefully the little one will cooperate and we can find out the gender as well. The plan is to make some "gender reveal" cupcakes for work, with colored filling on the inside.
That's all I got.
Still struggling with how much information regarding Aidan to share with others. My coworker got food poisoning the other day, and I mentioned that I've never had it before. Another coworker stated how lucky I was that I haven't and that he's had it and has never thrown up so much before in his life. Then I realized I've actually had similar symptoms when I was uncontrollably vomiting after taking Flagyl. I don't think this coworker knows about Aidan (he's new) and so I didn't bring it up.
Yesterday this same coworker brought up the movie Rocky, and others commented on how it's a classic and everyone should see it. I mentioned that I've seen it. I did not mention that I saw it at the hospital the morning after giving birth to Aidan.
...
I puked and rallied at lunch yesterday. Some coworkers and I went out for lunch and I was starrrving, so I scarfed down my food when it arrived. I got about halfway through when my stomach decided it wasn't happy. I went to the bathroom, threw it all up, then went back and continued eating.
...
Finding out about others' pregnancies still gives me anxiety, especially the ones who aren't BLMs. Glad everything's going so perfectly well for you.
...
I am dwelling on some comments that people said to me/Keith after Aidan died. Someone said something AWFUL to Keith back then and he just told me about it a few weeks ago, and that of course brought all of the hurtful comments back to my memory. Think before you speak, people. A simple "I'm so sorry" <<hug>> "What can I do to help?" would suffice. You may have a spiritual being in your world that kills children for a reason, but not in mine. And all of my children deserve a name, even if they died in the womb. Fuck you.
...
In happier news, we have the anatomy scan on Monday, so hopefully the little one will cooperate and we can find out the gender as well. The plan is to make some "gender reveal" cupcakes for work, with colored filling on the inside.
That's all I got.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
after the storm
after the storm
when the lightning has ceased
the thunder is silenced
the wind has calmed
and the rain is but a drizzle
you'll often times see a rainbow
i finally have my rainbow, 18 weeks in the making.
in 5 months this little one is supposed to arrive, supposed to be breathing, healthy, and alive. we are nervous. we are cautiously expecting. there is some comfort in the fact that we've passed Aidan's date of 17 weeks and 2 days, but we are still scared because we know anything can happen at any time.
i am doing my best to stay positive. i am trying to plan...car seats, strollers, the nursery. it is all very overwhelming yet almost comforting because it sort of forces me to think that this baby will actually make it.
we have a lot of support, and i thank all of you for your continued support and love. this is still a difficult journey but, as always, we're doing our best to make it through.
when the lightning has ceased
the thunder is silenced
the wind has calmed
and the rain is but a drizzle
you'll often times see a rainbow
i finally have my rainbow, 18 weeks in the making.
in 5 months this little one is supposed to arrive, supposed to be breathing, healthy, and alive. we are nervous. we are cautiously expecting. there is some comfort in the fact that we've passed Aidan's date of 17 weeks and 2 days, but we are still scared because we know anything can happen at any time.
i am doing my best to stay positive. i am trying to plan...car seats, strollers, the nursery. it is all very overwhelming yet almost comforting because it sort of forces me to think that this baby will actually make it.
we have a lot of support, and i thank all of you for your continued support and love. this is still a difficult journey but, as always, we're doing our best to make it through.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
one year
I am amazed that it has been a year already. One whole year without Aidan. It has been a rough, rocky year, full of ups and downs, but I'm glad I've reached this mark and am feeling as well as I do.
Today was good and relaxing. It went by quickly and I didn't break down. Keith and I played some computer games, we saw Ghost Rider (which sucked, but I bet Aidan would have liked it), ate some dinner, drank some good wine, and I made a layer cake!
Here are some pictures from today...
Today was good and relaxing. It went by quickly and I didn't break down. Keith and I played some computer games, we saw Ghost Rider (which sucked, but I bet Aidan would have liked it), ate some dinner, drank some good wine, and I made a layer cake!
Here are some pictures from today...
a toast to Aidan
I've managed to keep this guy alive for almost a year now (my cats like eating the leaves, hence the broken ones)
My parents got us an orchid plant in honor of Aidan (sorry for the crappy lighting)
It came with a cute little bear
This has been here for a while now, but this is Aidan's box, always surrounded by family
The layer cake! this is not the finished product...it's red velvet strawberry shortcake
Iced with cool whip. I've never made a cake like this before.
Topped with strawberries
Yum!
I want to give a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has thought of, prayed for, sent things, and did things in honor of Aidan today. I am overwhelmed by all of your support! I hope my little boy can see how much we all love him and how much he was wanted. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
To Aidan, I will always miss you, baby boy, but I will love you forever. Here's to you, on your one year angelversary.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
getting better
I've been thinking a lot about last year and those last days before Aidan's death. What gets me is how sudden all of it was. One moment I was happy and eating chocolate cake, the next I was freaking out in our bathroom while my heart was racing and I thought I was going to die.
Reliving those days is more like it. Every moment, every phone call, every conversation with every doctor. Those were terrible, terrible days. Those stupid antibiotics that made me vomit uncontrollably. My son suffocated to death inside me. With no amniotic fluid he had nothing to breathe. His heart was racing too, dangerously higher than mine, and he died.
I wanted to die too.
I would lie in bed at night after his death, reliving those days as I do now, consumed by sadness and depression. My heart medicine was only a few steps away in our bathroom.. Just a few extra pills would slow my heart down enough and release me from all of this pain. And then I could see my son again.
That would have been a selfish thing to do, though, and I reminded myself of that every time those thoughts came to my mind. Losing a child is hard enough and I did not want Keith to lose his wife too. Nor my family their daughter/niece/granddaughter/cousin/friend.
I got though that dark stage of my life. I'm crying as I write this but I swear I am so much better than I was before. There is still grief and sadness, but is not nearly as intense as it used to be. With time comes healing, but there will always be a scar to remind you of your pain.
I think I will be ok tomorrow, the anniversary of Aidan's death. We are going to see a movie and I am going to bake a cake. We will open some fancy wine from our trip to Napa, and we will celebrate our son's short life. Oh, I am sure I will cry, but I will get through this. I have to.
Reliving those days is more like it. Every moment, every phone call, every conversation with every doctor. Those were terrible, terrible days. Those stupid antibiotics that made me vomit uncontrollably. My son suffocated to death inside me. With no amniotic fluid he had nothing to breathe. His heart was racing too, dangerously higher than mine, and he died.
I wanted to die too.
I would lie in bed at night after his death, reliving those days as I do now, consumed by sadness and depression. My heart medicine was only a few steps away in our bathroom.. Just a few extra pills would slow my heart down enough and release me from all of this pain. And then I could see my son again.
That would have been a selfish thing to do, though, and I reminded myself of that every time those thoughts came to my mind. Losing a child is hard enough and I did not want Keith to lose his wife too. Nor my family their daughter/niece/granddaughter/cousin/friend.
I got though that dark stage of my life. I'm crying as I write this but I swear I am so much better than I was before. There is still grief and sadness, but is not nearly as intense as it used to be. With time comes healing, but there will always be a scar to remind you of your pain.
I think I will be ok tomorrow, the anniversary of Aidan's death. We are going to see a movie and I am going to bake a cake. We will open some fancy wine from our trip to Napa, and we will celebrate our son's short life. Oh, I am sure I will cry, but I will get through this. I have to.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
it stings
I became aware of some new pregnancies over these past few weeks. Hearing about them still stings. Being told about them in person is a lot better than seeing a post on facebook. When I see an ultrasound picture or an announcement on facebook, I feel like they're shouting this news at me. HA! LOOK WHAT I DID! I GOT PREGNANT AND I AM SO CONFIDENT ABOUT THIS PREGNANCY THAT I AM GOING TO ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WORLD AND FILL UP YOUR NEWSFEED WITH PICTURES SO YOU WON'T MISS IT! AND THEN EVERYONE WILL COMMENT ON MY AMAZING PICTURES AND THOSE COMMENTS WILL SHOW UP IN YOUR NEWSFEED TOO! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Obviously that is not true (I hope?), but that's how it feels, and it makes me want to run away and hide. Or say fuck you. Losing a child is not fun. TTC and failing every single month is not fun. It just seems so foreign and shocking to hear about another pregnancy and to see such confidence these women have that they're willing to share this information with the world. Just because you're past 12 weeks doesn't mean you're safe. Not to instill worry into anyone who is pregnant, but being pregnant doesn't always equal a live baby in the end.
I just wonder when it will stop hurting. When hearing about someone's pregnancy will make me smile instead of cringe.
Obviously that is not true (I hope?), but that's how it feels, and it makes me want to run away and hide. Or say fuck you. Losing a child is not fun. TTC and failing every single month is not fun. It just seems so foreign and shocking to hear about another pregnancy and to see such confidence these women have that they're willing to share this information with the world. Just because you're past 12 weeks doesn't mean you're safe. Not to instill worry into anyone who is pregnant, but being pregnant doesn't always equal a live baby in the end.
I just wonder when it will stop hurting. When hearing about someone's pregnancy will make me smile instead of cringe.
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