I am a magnet for pregnant women. No matter where I go they just show up and strut around, waving their giant bellies in my face. They must be attracted to my lack-of-baby scent.
Yesterday Keith and I went to Macaroni Grill for dinner. I got there first (we were coming from different places) and the host seated me at a table. Glancing around, I noticed I was surrounded by 4 young boys, happily munching on food and their parents looking oh-so cheerful. Not wanting to torture myself, I asked if I could move to another table. No problem. I could see the kids from the new table but I couldn't hear them anymore and there were plenty of other things to distract me. Keith showed up a few minutes later and we ordered some food (and wine!).
While waiting for our meals I looked around at the other restaurant patrons and mentally commented on them as I normally do. She has nice hair! He has a weird nose! What? You all do that too, don't lie. One couple was sitting a few tables away from us and the guy had on a shirt almost exactly the same as Keith's (gray and blue striped pullover with a half zipper), but luckily the girl did not have on the same shirt as I did. If she did, we would have to kill them, according to Keith, as we must immediately destroy our evil doppelgangers if we happen upon them.
Anyway, our food finally came and we began eating. Penne rustica for me (not as appetizing as usual..) and mushroom ravioli for Keith. A woman at the table next to us suddenly stood up. Blond, black sweater, a little larger. She turned to head towards the bathroom and BAM! There it was. Belly. Giant, huge, monstrous, pregnant, baby-filled belly.
Seriously? Does that have to be shoved in my face right now? I'm trying to enjoy my lackluster dinner.
I didn't get as emotional as I thought I would, but I was definitely sad, upset, angry. Yes, angry at you, you happy pregnant lady you. How dare you carry a baby that long and how dare you show it off in front of me. I have enough reminders that Aidan is dead, you don't need to add to it.
We finished our dinners (well, I took most of mine to-go), she-that-will-not-be-named came back from the bathroom (you have to walk in front of me twice!? Come on, now) and we headed home.
I really don't believe that I'm only noticing these women now, because of what happened. I look at people all the time. I notice them. Before Aidan I only saw a pregnant woman occasionally. Now it's every time I go out. I went to the gym with Liz on Tuesday and saw a pregnant woman shaking her butt on an elliptical in front of me (well, a few machines over, but I saw her nonetheless). I swear she was pregnant, Liz. She had that round, protruding belly that every pregnant woman has.
Maybe subconsciously I'm looking for them, seeking them out. Maybe my brain likes to torture me and just has to point out the fact that I don't have a living baby anymore. Or maybe those pregnant ladies just like my smell.
Either way, it still hurts.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
more crochet
Well, I sure have had an interesting couple of days. I am all over the place with this post so bear with me.
Let's go back to Saturday, Aidan's one month birthday. Or deathday. Or angelday. Whatever you'd like to call it. I learned how to crochet that day, with great thanks to Andrea H. That day I also realized that I am slipping into depression. Or perhaps I'm already depressed. Or maybe my hormones are playing an awfully mean trick on me.
All I have wanted to do since Saturday is sit on my couch and crochet. I don't care about seeing friends or going out to a movie or for drinks. I have quite possibly given up on life and the only prescription is more crochet.
Hopefully you found the above funny (more cowbell, anyone??), as humor is the only way I am getting through each day, but sadly I'm being quite serious.
Keith and I picked up some things at Bed Bath and Beyond (because we had time) and did some grocery shopping after our crochet circle on Saturday (Keith crochets with metal and pliers). I had a good time at the crochet circle but it's like a switch went off in my head afterward that said "You will be depressed now." Instantly I lost interest in everything. I was dragging my feet everywhere. Scuffling as I walked. Shoulders slumped. Wtf. I was surprised by this sudden change but, strangely, it almost felt good. I didn't have to be happy. Sadness was completely taking over and it was ok. That evening we switched out all of the blinds in our house. I know, I know. My Saturday evenings get pretty wild. It was a little nice to have the monotony of shortening all of the blinds (Keith hung, I shortened) but the sadness was still there. I stayed up late that night, reading blogs of other women who have miscarried.
On Sunday I got together with Jenn and Liz for scrapbooking. I almost canceled. Maybe I should have. We had a decent time and I got a few pages done, but... There's always a but. You might not want to read this Jenn, so skip to the next paragraph. Jenn.. looking at you makes me so sad. Your baby girl is growing so perfectly inside you and you are doing so well. Aidan was perfect too. If my own body hadn't given out on me he would still be here, growing and kicking and making me so uncomfortable that I'd wish he were out but I'd give anything for that. Anything to feel him kick again. Anything to see an ultrasound where he wasn't struggling to survive. I wish I could say this in person but I can't. So I told the world instead.
It's so easy to hide behind my computer. A perfect digital wall separating me and you. You, the world.
Monday was just horrendous. I didn't go to bed till late on Sunday, as I was busy crocheting, so I woke up late and decided to work from home. Yes, my job is awesome, I believe I've said that before. I don't know what happened but all I did was cry that morning. Just little cries here and there, but a lot more compared to the previous few days. And then the doctor called with the lab results from Aidan. My perfect boy. That really threw me off. I. Was. Bawling. Sobbing. Hyperventilating. Wow. I told my supervisor person that I just couldn't work anymore that day, and she said that was ok. Yes, awesome. So I continued to bawl on my couch with the Food Network running in the background, and through teary eyes I crocheted.
It's strangely calming, relaxing. Weaving the needle in and out, making intricate, colorful designs. Repetitive and mind-numbing. Rewarding. That is one thing I really enjoy with crocheting: I instantly see the results of my effort (one stitch down, 87 to go!) and the progress I make over a few hours is astounding. To me, at least.
I crocheted for most of the day and evening. I even ventured out of the house to help Dr. Klutke with his Mac. On the way home I stopped at Michael's to pick up some things. In the checkout line a teenage girl was standing in front of me: Earbud in one ear, texting on her phone, a lollipop in her mouth. Suddenly she turns to the woman she's standing with (her mother? older friend? aunt?) and blurts out "In four days we get to find out the sex of the baby! I'm so excited I can't wait!" Ok, where's the gun? Somebody shoot me. I don't know if it was her baby, but after listening to the rest of their conversation (gun? anyone?) it sounded like it might be a friend of hers or a sister. Still. Can I please get away from the baby stuff for an hour? I was so tempted to turn her around and say something mean, something that would make her think about talking about babies and pregnancy in public. I don't know what.. I am not that creative or spontaneous... but it would have been along the lines of "Good luck. I hope the baby survives. Mine only made it to 17 weeks."
I drove home after that, crocheted a little and went to bed. By "went to bed," I mean I laid in bed for 4 hours crying and watching tv. Eventually I turned off the tv, hoping sleep would kick in, but no luck. The crying persisted, as did all of my glorious depressing thoughts. I'm not sure if I want to say them here. You might want to send me to a counselor or a psychologist if I did. Maybe some other time. But trust me, they were not pleasant.
Sleep came around 5am, after I grabbed a book to read (The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest - love this series). I woke up at 10 and again worked from home. I feel better today.. like my mind is clearer and not shrouded by sadness. Well, not as much sadness as before. As I write this I of course get sadder by the minute, but I still feel better. Even with only 4 hours of sleep I am going to attempt to go to the gym tonight with Liz and apparently Kent. I haven't exercised in a long time, and I know exercise helps with your endorphin levels, so hopefully it makes me feel better.
I had some other thoughts last night that are related to the depressing ones. I feel like I just need to get away from pregnancy and babies for a little while. I am going to pick and choose what events I go to based on the number of pregnant women/babies attending (if discernable). I am going to stop looking at facebook. Honestly, every time I've looked at my newsfeed over the past few weeks someone new is pregnant or posting pictures of their brand new baby. Others are posting pictures of their healthy toddlers and children, or posting status updates about how wonderful they are doing. I just can't take seeing that right now. It hurts so much. So much. I can't explain. You'd know it if you lost a child. I apologize if I'm hurting anyones feelings, as I know I am, but I need to think of myself for once. It might not be the best choice but I'd really like to be sheltered from all things baby/pregnancy for a while. I'll come back some day. Until then, you can read this blog for updates. I might even post pictures here, perhaps of my wondrous crochet adventures.
Let's go back to Saturday, Aidan's one month birthday. Or deathday. Or angelday. Whatever you'd like to call it. I learned how to crochet that day, with great thanks to Andrea H. That day I also realized that I am slipping into depression. Or perhaps I'm already depressed. Or maybe my hormones are playing an awfully mean trick on me.
All I have wanted to do since Saturday is sit on my couch and crochet. I don't care about seeing friends or going out to a movie or for drinks. I have quite possibly given up on life and the only prescription is more crochet.
Hopefully you found the above funny (more cowbell, anyone??), as humor is the only way I am getting through each day, but sadly I'm being quite serious.
Keith and I picked up some things at Bed Bath and Beyond (because we had time) and did some grocery shopping after our crochet circle on Saturday (Keith crochets with metal and pliers). I had a good time at the crochet circle but it's like a switch went off in my head afterward that said "You will be depressed now." Instantly I lost interest in everything. I was dragging my feet everywhere. Scuffling as I walked. Shoulders slumped. Wtf. I was surprised by this sudden change but, strangely, it almost felt good. I didn't have to be happy. Sadness was completely taking over and it was ok. That evening we switched out all of the blinds in our house. I know, I know. My Saturday evenings get pretty wild. It was a little nice to have the monotony of shortening all of the blinds (Keith hung, I shortened) but the sadness was still there. I stayed up late that night, reading blogs of other women who have miscarried.
On Sunday I got together with Jenn and Liz for scrapbooking. I almost canceled. Maybe I should have. We had a decent time and I got a few pages done, but... There's always a but. You might not want to read this Jenn, so skip to the next paragraph. Jenn.. looking at you makes me so sad. Your baby girl is growing so perfectly inside you and you are doing so well. Aidan was perfect too. If my own body hadn't given out on me he would still be here, growing and kicking and making me so uncomfortable that I'd wish he were out but I'd give anything for that. Anything to feel him kick again. Anything to see an ultrasound where he wasn't struggling to survive. I wish I could say this in person but I can't. So I told the world instead.
It's so easy to hide behind my computer. A perfect digital wall separating me and you. You, the world.
Monday was just horrendous. I didn't go to bed till late on Sunday, as I was busy crocheting, so I woke up late and decided to work from home. Yes, my job is awesome, I believe I've said that before. I don't know what happened but all I did was cry that morning. Just little cries here and there, but a lot more compared to the previous few days. And then the doctor called with the lab results from Aidan. My perfect boy. That really threw me off. I. Was. Bawling. Sobbing. Hyperventilating. Wow. I told my supervisor person that I just couldn't work anymore that day, and she said that was ok. Yes, awesome. So I continued to bawl on my couch with the Food Network running in the background, and through teary eyes I crocheted.
It's strangely calming, relaxing. Weaving the needle in and out, making intricate, colorful designs. Repetitive and mind-numbing. Rewarding. That is one thing I really enjoy with crocheting: I instantly see the results of my effort (one stitch down, 87 to go!) and the progress I make over a few hours is astounding. To me, at least.
I crocheted for most of the day and evening. I even ventured out of the house to help Dr. Klutke with his Mac. On the way home I stopped at Michael's to pick up some things. In the checkout line a teenage girl was standing in front of me: Earbud in one ear, texting on her phone, a lollipop in her mouth. Suddenly she turns to the woman she's standing with (her mother? older friend? aunt?) and blurts out "In four days we get to find out the sex of the baby! I'm so excited I can't wait!" Ok, where's the gun? Somebody shoot me. I don't know if it was her baby, but after listening to the rest of their conversation (gun? anyone?) it sounded like it might be a friend of hers or a sister. Still. Can I please get away from the baby stuff for an hour? I was so tempted to turn her around and say something mean, something that would make her think about talking about babies and pregnancy in public. I don't know what.. I am not that creative or spontaneous... but it would have been along the lines of "Good luck. I hope the baby survives. Mine only made it to 17 weeks."
I drove home after that, crocheted a little and went to bed. By "went to bed," I mean I laid in bed for 4 hours crying and watching tv. Eventually I turned off the tv, hoping sleep would kick in, but no luck. The crying persisted, as did all of my glorious depressing thoughts. I'm not sure if I want to say them here. You might want to send me to a counselor or a psychologist if I did. Maybe some other time. But trust me, they were not pleasant.
Sleep came around 5am, after I grabbed a book to read (The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest - love this series). I woke up at 10 and again worked from home. I feel better today.. like my mind is clearer and not shrouded by sadness. Well, not as much sadness as before. As I write this I of course get sadder by the minute, but I still feel better. Even with only 4 hours of sleep I am going to attempt to go to the gym tonight with Liz and apparently Kent. I haven't exercised in a long time, and I know exercise helps with your endorphin levels, so hopefully it makes me feel better.
I had some other thoughts last night that are related to the depressing ones. I feel like I just need to get away from pregnancy and babies for a little while. I am going to pick and choose what events I go to based on the number of pregnant women/babies attending (if discernable). I am going to stop looking at facebook. Honestly, every time I've looked at my newsfeed over the past few weeks someone new is pregnant or posting pictures of their brand new baby. Others are posting pictures of their healthy toddlers and children, or posting status updates about how wonderful they are doing. I just can't take seeing that right now. It hurts so much. So much. I can't explain. You'd know it if you lost a child. I apologize if I'm hurting anyones feelings, as I know I am, but I need to think of myself for once. It might not be the best choice but I'd really like to be sheltered from all things baby/pregnancy for a while. I'll come back some day. Until then, you can read this blog for updates. I might even post pictures here, perhaps of my wondrous crochet adventures.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
honest to goodness
My last post reminded me of the Healthy Choice commercials. This is my favorite out of the bunch.
nothing more than feelings
In Wednesday's post I used a combination of words to describe how I was feeling about certain events. I realize now that those words aren't even close to how I felt at the time and I'm amazed at myself for how often I use said words when I don't feel that way at all.
Happy. Super. Exciting.
I recall catching myself while I was writing the post. A few times I had written that I was happy and I realized that wasn't the case so I changed my wording. Some instances were left, however, because my mind thought that's how I should be feeling.
So, while under normal circumstances going to the Wings game would have been super exciting for me, I honestly was just "looking forward to it." No excitement; just mildly interested in what the night's events might hold.
Thinking about this tells me that I say a lot of things out of convenience. I tell coworkers that I'm doing ok with a half smile and a nod because it's easy and stops them from asking me questions or giving me advice. I say things are exciting mainly out of habit - I know I've been doing it for years, even if I'm not truly excited about said thing. We all do this, though, right? You're not going to spill your guts to some random person on the street who asks you what's up or tell your grandma how much you hate that sweater she knitted for you for Christmas (do grandmas really do this? Mine hasn't knitted anything for me since I was a baby). Even yesterday when Keith and I were checking out at Michael's, the cashier asked me how I was and I replied with an automatic "good" (not my normal "ok") then did a double-take on myself. Two "goods" in three days, but hey, it was convenient.
Really, these are just little white lies covering up our true feelings. White lies are ok...usually. If I don't feel like discussing my feelings with someone then I'll either say so or I will lie. Wouldn't you do the same? Even if you wanted to be truthful isn't it just so much easier to say you're "good" or "ok" instead of "Actually, person I just met today, I cried the entire morning because I couldn't stop thinking about my dead baby and now I'm forced to deal with you all day and teach you things about our software in a professional manner. That means without taking breaks every 5 minutes so I can be sad in the bathroom. How are you?" Much easier. That very well could have been what went down Monday morning, but I chose the easy route.
As it turns out, I did have a good time at the Wings game despite the loss, which I was expecting (we played the Canucks, who are beating us by 10 points in the Western Conference). Keith won a free pizza and we got to meet up with Mike and Lauren who were also at the game, unbeknownst to us. On the way home Keith and I discussed my fake feelings and how we could avoid being so fake in the future. We came up with some simple alternatives for "excited" that I am looking forward to using in future conversations (see how I did that?). I'll do my best to be truthful in most situations, where appropriate, or at least tell you that I don't want to discuss things. This will be hard, and expect some crying if I'm discussing my feelings, but I will try. Just don't be offended if you're throwing a party and I say "I am anticipating your upcoming event and hoping that it will result in a decent time."
Happy. Super. Exciting.
I recall catching myself while I was writing the post. A few times I had written that I was happy and I realized that wasn't the case so I changed my wording. Some instances were left, however, because my mind thought that's how I should be feeling.
So, while under normal circumstances going to the Wings game would have been super exciting for me, I honestly was just "looking forward to it." No excitement; just mildly interested in what the night's events might hold.
Thinking about this tells me that I say a lot of things out of convenience. I tell coworkers that I'm doing ok with a half smile and a nod because it's easy and stops them from asking me questions or giving me advice. I say things are exciting mainly out of habit - I know I've been doing it for years, even if I'm not truly excited about said thing. We all do this, though, right? You're not going to spill your guts to some random person on the street who asks you what's up or tell your grandma how much you hate that sweater she knitted for you for Christmas (do grandmas really do this? Mine hasn't knitted anything for me since I was a baby). Even yesterday when Keith and I were checking out at Michael's, the cashier asked me how I was and I replied with an automatic "good" (not my normal "ok") then did a double-take on myself. Two "goods" in three days, but hey, it was convenient.
Really, these are just little white lies covering up our true feelings. White lies are ok...usually. If I don't feel like discussing my feelings with someone then I'll either say so or I will lie. Wouldn't you do the same? Even if you wanted to be truthful isn't it just so much easier to say you're "good" or "ok" instead of "Actually, person I just met today, I cried the entire morning because I couldn't stop thinking about my dead baby and now I'm forced to deal with you all day and teach you things about our software in a professional manner. That means without taking breaks every 5 minutes so I can be sad in the bathroom. How are you?" Much easier. That very well could have been what went down Monday morning, but I chose the easy route.
As it turns out, I did have a good time at the Wings game despite the loss, which I was expecting (we played the Canucks, who are beating us by 10 points in the Western Conference). Keith won a free pizza and we got to meet up with Mike and Lauren who were also at the game, unbeknownst to us. On the way home Keith and I discussed my fake feelings and how we could avoid being so fake in the future. We came up with some simple alternatives for "excited" that I am looking forward to using in future conversations (see how I did that?). I'll do my best to be truthful in most situations, where appropriate, or at least tell you that I don't want to discuss things. This will be hard, and expect some crying if I'm discussing my feelings, but I will try. Just don't be offended if you're throwing a party and I say "I am anticipating your upcoming event and hoping that it will result in a decent time."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
it's the little things
In a bizarre twist, I have found a few things that make me happy lately, as in today.
1. I got the most amazing e-mail from Delta earlier today. They told me if I fly 6 segments (3 round-trips) by June 30, then I'll get Silver Medallion status. If I fly 12 segments (6 round-trip) then I'll get Gold status. This is fantastically amazing because I was only 4000 miles/6 segments away from getting Silver status last year, and that's after I flew somewhere at least once a month. I already have three trips planned in April (two for work, one for leisure) so I will make Silver status for sure at the end of April! Then, I know I'll travel somewhere in May and June, undoubtedly via plane and undoubtedly 3 times or more, so I'll for sure make Gold status by June!
2. Keith and I are going to the Red Wings game tonight. This is the first time I will be sitting in the lower bowl, so it's super exciting for me. We picked this game because it is only one day away from our 4 year anniversary of when Keith proposed to me, which just so happened to occur at a Wings game.
3. At the end of April I'll be traveling to Malibu for work. I've never been there before. Malibu is right on the ocean, and it will be warm, and I will be working with people who have no knowledge about anything that's happened to me over the past 5 months.
4. Girl Scout cookies. 'Nuff said.
1. I got the most amazing e-mail from Delta earlier today. They told me if I fly 6 segments (3 round-trips) by June 30, then I'll get Silver Medallion status. If I fly 12 segments (6 round-trip) then I'll get Gold status. This is fantastically amazing because I was only 4000 miles/6 segments away from getting Silver status last year, and that's after I flew somewhere at least once a month. I already have three trips planned in April (two for work, one for leisure) so I will make Silver status for sure at the end of April! Then, I know I'll travel somewhere in May and June, undoubtedly via plane and undoubtedly 3 times or more, so I'll for sure make Gold status by June!
2. Keith and I are going to the Red Wings game tonight. This is the first time I will be sitting in the lower bowl, so it's super exciting for me. We picked this game because it is only one day away from our 4 year anniversary of when Keith proposed to me, which just so happened to occur at a Wings game.
3. At the end of April I'll be traveling to Malibu for work. I've never been there before. Malibu is right on the ocean, and it will be warm, and I will be working with people who have no knowledge about anything that's happened to me over the past 5 months.
4. Girl Scout cookies. 'Nuff said.
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