outcast

I have two main sets of friends: high school friends and college friends.

My high school friends are at various stages of life.. some are still in college, some have houses, and some are married. None of them have children yet and none of them are planning on having kids any time soon (that I know of, at least...are you???).

My college friends are pretty much all married, living in houses, and almost all of the married couples have children.

Keith and I live in a house. We're married. We tried to have a kid but my body just wouldn't have it.

Where do we fit in?

When I'm with my high school friends and they talk about having children in 3 years or that they don't want to have kids at all because they're so annoying (honest, that was said to my face), what do I say back? Yeah, kids are super annoying because they up and die on you. Or Yeah, maybe if I get over this whole my-kid-is-dead thing I'll join the bandwagon and have another in 5 years.

When I'm with my college friends it's all kids all the time. Everyone has a kid and I get to see and hear all about it. I'd probably do the same thing if Aidan were alive, but he's not. So instead I get to wallow in my misery while they share 5,000 pictures of their newborn. What could I possibly add to a conversation with them? B.S., smalltalk, sadness about Aidan, and the "someday" when I might have a live child of my own?

I don't feel like I fit in with either group right now. I honestly don't care about spending time with either group (although I try, because I'm supposed to, I guess) because I don't feel like I belong. I'm not one of them. I feel like an outcast.

So, fittingly, I have left facebook. Yeah, like that's a huge deal to you, but it is to me. Facebook was my link to everyone - photos, everyday happenings, events. I have no contact with those people now unless they want to e-mail me, text or call (because you all know that I won't). I felt bad hiding everyone so instead I deactivated my account...which I think is a good compromise (and I can still come back if i want). You won't have to see any sad, depressing posts from me and I won't have to see any happy (or mundane) posts of yours.

I'll come back when I no longer feel like an outsider.

4 months

Time seems to be going by so quickly, yet so slowly.

Another month has passed. Another month without Aidan.

After my last post you all encouraged me to write and express how I'm feeling.

It's hard.

There are random times throughout the day when my feelings will build up and all I want to do is get them out, either by writing or talking or crying. Lately those moments have been so inopportune.. in the middle of an airport or while out to dinner. I can't just pull out my laptop and start writing. I can't just launch into a full-blown conversation about why life sucks so much right now. I'll end up bawling and sobbing and hundreds of people will be staring at me. I have to be alone when I write or at least in a separate room from everyone else. I need to be able to focus my thoughts and not be distracted by.. well.. life.

By the time I finally am alone those immense feelings have subsided. I feel better and don't want to bring myself back to that sad point from earlier. I just want to bask in the numbness for a while.

Then the feelings come back, and hopefully I'm alone this time so I can write it all down.

This month has been exceptionally hard. I'm back to the point where I don't want to see anyone. Those of you who have seen me are quite lucky. It's easier to see some people than others. It's amazing how I can hang out with one group of people but just thinking about someone breaks me down.

I've been writing posts in my head and a few of them have been written on here, just not shared (there is an option for that, Christina). Maybe I'll share some this week since I'm not traveling for a change.

For now, happy four month birthday, Aidan. I miss you and love you.

lately

I haven't been posting much on here lately, as you've probably noticed. There are a few reasons for this..
1) I've been traveling and am busy and when I do have free time I try to spend it with my husband
2) A certain somebody reads this blog and I don't want to make her feel like shit just because I feel like shit

So, if I come up with something more generic to be sad about and post about, you'll be sure to see it up here.

One awesome tidbit from today: A lady asked me after training today if I could make our break at 2pm instead of later, that way she could go pump her breast milk at her regularly scheduled time and not miss as much of the class. Thanks. Like I need that rubbed in my face.

happy father's day

Happy father's day to my wonderful husband and all of the other fathers out there, babylost or not.

it still hurts

stab. stab. stab.

twist. twist. twist.

i wish i were made of kevlar.

recap

Did May actually happen? We're a week into June already and I feel like I was barely around for May. Luckily I take pictures of things so I can remember what happened...

First off: at the end of April our basement had to be waterproofed..

Holes were dug in the basement..

..and our backyard.

This was finished in early May, and now my basement is full of dust that I have not cleaned up yet.


In the middle of the waterproofing, B.S. day happened..

I didn't make these but they were tasty

I did make this, and somehow finished it in a week. I told you I am all about crocheting now.

Keith got me something special for Mother's Day..

It is this beautiful oval sapphire ring with a bunch of little diamonds 

and pretty scrollwork on the sides (if you couldn't get all that from the pictures)

My flowers bloomed..

I went to New York for work..

And then Keith and I went to Amsterdam (also for work)..

Then this happened...

That would be me, smiling, and holding a baby.

Obviously that is not my baby because mine is dead (and a boy). That baby is a girl, and just so happens to be Jenn's brand new beautiful daughter, Scarlett.  Was that day hard for me? Um, hell yes. You know it's been a rough day when you find yourself in the middle of Costco trying so hard to hold back the tears that you don't even take the free samples.  Amazingly I did not cry when I was visiting Jenn. The tears magically disappeared about one second before I walked through her hospital room door.  I'm quite impressed by myself for that, I suppose. I wasn't willing them to go away or anything - I was full on expecting to be sobbing the entire time - but that didn't happen.   I even managed to make a second trip to the hospital without crying. Craziness.   I guess I had to do what I had to do.  Am I all happy and better now? No. Did you read Friday's post?  

Coincidentally, I was able to bring my son home the day after Jenn brought her daughter home..

See that shadow in the bottom left of the tub? That woud be Aidan.

Apparently this is standard fare for containers they ship dead children home in. Doesn't it look like one of those tubs with nightcrawlers in it that you buy at the bait shop? It was actually shipped in a bigger plastic box, and the whole thing is now residing on our end table in the living room.  Keith and I have pretty much figured out what to do for a more permanent home for Aidan. More details on that later.

This brings me to this past weekend...

me, paddleboating

I begrudgingly went up north with some friends and ended up having a decent time, for the most part. I laughed till I cried then almost cried myself to sleep. One thing I discovered this weekend is that I have a 24 hour limit on fake happiness. 

Ugh. Thank goodness all of that is out of my system now. What a May. Now I can get back to my feelings. 

right where i am: 97 days

I was thinking earlier of what it was like before Aidan was born. What it was like to be happy. How glorious it must have been to feel "normal" and not overwhelmed by these sudden waves of sadness.

Before Aidan was even a blip on the radar I had my moments of sadness. I don't want to call it depression, as I know that is a serious disease and I'm pretty sure I did not have that, but I still got very sad quite often. I blamed it on my thyroid medicine. There were different triggers for my sadness.. not feeling like I was moving forward in my career, just having a shitty day, etc. But generally the sadness would end after a day or two.

Then Aidan came into the picture. Seeing those two lines on the pregnancy test was so magical, so mind-opening. We created a life! Those 3.5 months I was pregnant were pure elation (aside from the occasional nausea). I didn't realize it at the time, but I realize now how amazing it is to be pregnant and how much I long for it again.

When "the event" happened, which eventually caused Aidan's death, the whole world crumbled beneath me. Everything changed. The sadness returned and it did not go away after a day or two. It's still here, lingering, poking its spiny head out whenever it pleases, ensuring that I don't return to my previous happy state.

Yes, I may appear happy to you.. in person, in pictures, wherever. But I'm not. You know this, right? I turn off my sadness for you. Actually.. no. I turn it off for myself. When I'm around other people I prefer to be "happy" so that I'm not asked questions or encouraged to feel better. It's futile - trying to make me feel better. Sure, I suppose I'll laugh for a second or really enjoy that ice cream, but that's as long as the feeling lasts.

Now that I have this everlasting sadness I can only laugh at my new-found abilities. Did you know that I am quite the driver when my eyes are flooded with tears? I can also cry in public without caring. Apparently even in front of my coworkers (whom are all men). I tear up at the slightest mention of Aidan and can jump between "happy" and sad at a moment's notice.

It's just so very hard to have this sense of longing and loss constantly clutching at my soul. With time the waves will become shallower or perhaps less frequent, but I know the sadness is here to stay. And this only makes me sadder.

I long for Aidan. I long for him to be in my womb again. I long for things to be the way they used to be. I have him in my possession again, which is slightly comforting, except now he is only ashes.

I am bitter and jealous of the ever-growing list of women around me who are pregnant and popping out babies left and right. Healthy, live babies.

I am thankful for my husband, who is oh so understanding of my sad days and my need to just sit on our couch and crochet; and for my friends, who somehow seem to get it when I just don't want to hang out.

I am anxious at the thought of trying again, of when to start and if we will even be ready or even be able to get pregnant again.

So this is where I am right now: Dancing between moments of fake happiness and out-of-the-blue intense sadness. The in between is just a feeling of numbness and apathy.



This post is part of Angie's Right Where I Am Project.