don't hope.
don't dream.
don't wish.
don't imagine.
don't expect anything but the worst.
then maybe it won't hurt so much.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
another birthday
happy birthday to me.
happy birthday to me.
happy birthday dear self (and the two others at work who stole my thunder and share my birthday).
happy birthday to me.
happy birthday to me.
happy birthday dear self (and the two others at work who stole my thunder and share my birthday).
happy birthday to me.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
5 months
We're getting closer and closer to Aidan's due date. I don't feel as anxious about nearing this day as I thought I would, but who knows what I'll be like on the actual day. It still makes me cry to sit here and think about it.
I've heard a couple songs on the radio lately that are about loss - not babyloss in particular but just losing a loved one in general. I really like the lyrics and the music, although I like the 2nd one (below) better because it's more my style.
Bleeker Ridge - You Would've Liked It
Avenged Sevenfold - So Far Away
I feel like they both touch on a lot of my feelings.. wishing for what should have been but also trying to accept that he's gone and saying goodbye.
Happy 5 month angelversary, Aidan. I love you!!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
two week countdown
I've been putting off writing this post for a while, but I guess today seems like a good day to do it.
Today is one week from my 28th birthday.
Today is two weeks from Aidan's due date.
I keep imagining myself with a large, pregnant belly. What would I be doing if I were still pregnant? How would I be feeling? How many awesomely cute summer maternity shirts would I have bought?
It all makes me sad. Maybe I shouldn't think about that stuff but I do. How can I not? I'm sure once we get to his due date and past it all I will think about is what life would have been like with him alive.
What should we do on his due date? I want to do something.. to commemorate him.. or something. Or maybe I shouldn't be commemorating what should have been. Keith doesn't think we should do anything special until February 26 - that's Aidan's day. I don't know. I've looked up some things that others have done.. like releasing balloons with messages written on them or visiting his grave (which I get to look at and talk to every day since his ashes are sitting on our living room side table). Maybe we'll finally finish what we started with his final resting place (which I kind of mentioned in this post).
Is it wrong to do something on his due date? Or bad for my mental health or however you want to put it?
I wish this would get easier.
Today is one week from my 28th birthday.
Today is two weeks from Aidan's due date.
I keep imagining myself with a large, pregnant belly. What would I be doing if I were still pregnant? How would I be feeling? How many awesomely cute summer maternity shirts would I have bought?
It all makes me sad. Maybe I shouldn't think about that stuff but I do. How can I not? I'm sure once we get to his due date and past it all I will think about is what life would have been like with him alive.
What should we do on his due date? I want to do something.. to commemorate him.. or something. Or maybe I shouldn't be commemorating what should have been. Keith doesn't think we should do anything special until February 26 - that's Aidan's day. I don't know. I've looked up some things that others have done.. like releasing balloons with messages written on them or visiting his grave (which I get to look at and talk to every day since his ashes are sitting on our living room side table). Maybe we'll finally finish what we started with his final resting place (which I kind of mentioned in this post).
Is it wrong to do something on his due date? Or bad for my mental health or however you want to put it?
I wish this would get easier.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
a vacation
Keith and I went to Napa Valley last week for a last minute vacation. Last minute, as in we planned it the week before. Since I travel so much for work I've accrued a ton of points for hotels and airlines over the years, and this allowed us to travel and stay for F-R-E-E! We still had to pay for a car rental and souvenirs (aka a buttload of wine), but we came out cheap compared to some of our other vacations.
It was a good trip. We spent our first night (Wednesday) in San Francisco and got to walk around Fisherman's wharf and ride a trolley (yes, Keith did sing the rice-a-roni song over and over again).
On Thursday we got a car and drove up to Santa Rosa (we got to drive over the Golden Gate Bridge!)...
stopping at Lagunitas and Russian River brewing companies...
...then drove through some crazy mountain roads to get to Napa.
We checked into our hotel (the Embassy Suites - fantastic) and ended the day with some dinner at a wine bar in Napa, who happens to sell a standard size bottle of wine for $1,695.00. No joke. The wine maker is Screaming Eagle. Crazy, no?
There's one highway that we took pretty much everywhere in Napa - CA-29. I call that winery road because every where you look there's a winery, all right next to each other. Lining both sides of the road you'll see thousands of grapevines carefully tied up - some are allowed to overgrow and some appear to be trimmed and maintained. Keith even tasted a grape off one of the vines, but since it's so early in the season it was bitter.
Early Friday morning we headed back into the mountains and got a tour of Cain winery. They have some delicious wines and the air up there was so crisp and fresh. Our tour group consisted of the guide, another couple, and us. That's it. I liked how intimate it was and we weren't lost amongst a giant crowd.
We headed back down the mountain after that and visited V. Sattui...
...and Ferrari-Carano.
We chose to take a nap after that since we had to wake up so early to make our tour that morning. We had planned to get up around 7 for dinner, but we were so tired we hit the snooze and slept until the next morning!
Rested and ready to go the next day, we hit up 5 different wineries: Franciscan, Folie a Deux, Prager Port House, Del Dotto (the old caves), and Alpha and Omega. They all had some fantastic wines, and we brought home at least two bottles from each place.
Folie a Deux makes a red wine called Menage a Trois, which is pretty much our go-to wine for get togethers and just hanging out at home.
Prager was a nice surprise - we had never heard about them before but they make some great ports. Their tasting room was quite fantastic as well - it was covered in currency from all over the world!
Del Dotto was fun because we got to tour their old caves and taste wine straight from the barrel. We had a larger tour group this time but it was still small enough that you didn't feel left out.
Dinner that night was at a vegetarian restaurant called Ubuntu. It was FANTASTIC! All of their vegetables are grown locally and you can really tell how fresh everything was. We ordered a four-course meal full of surprises from the chef. My favorite was the 3rd course which consisted of organic grits and beans and other deliciousness. I could eat that stuff every day.
On Sunday we drove the 1.2 hours back to the San Francisco airport and headed home, our suitcases full of wine and beer.
All in all, it really was a good trip. It was nice to get away from the stressors of work and just relax a bit. My mood is still going up and down (happy some days and sad the next) and I haven't been sleeping well, but so far this week I've been feeling ok.. almost considering doing something crazy.. but we shall see about that. So there you have it.. a happier post for a change.
p.s. Huge thanks go out to Tracy for sending me info about her trip to Napa!
It was a good trip. We spent our first night (Wednesday) in San Francisco and got to walk around Fisherman's wharf and ride a trolley (yes, Keith did sing the rice-a-roni song over and over again).
San Francisco at night
on the trolley
On Thursday we got a car and drove up to Santa Rosa (we got to drive over the Golden Gate Bridge!)...
stopping at Lagunitas and Russian River brewing companies...
Russian River has a huge sampler!
...then drove through some crazy mountain roads to get to Napa.
We checked into our hotel (the Embassy Suites - fantastic) and ended the day with some dinner at a wine bar in Napa, who happens to sell a standard size bottle of wine for $1,695.00. No joke. The wine maker is Screaming Eagle. Crazy, no?
There's one highway that we took pretty much everywhere in Napa - CA-29. I call that winery road because every where you look there's a winery, all right next to each other. Lining both sides of the road you'll see thousands of grapevines carefully tied up - some are allowed to overgrow and some appear to be trimmed and maintained. Keith even tasted a grape off one of the vines, but since it's so early in the season it was bitter.
imagine these everywhere
Early Friday morning we headed back into the mountains and got a tour of Cain winery. They have some delicious wines and the air up there was so crisp and fresh. Our tour group consisted of the guide, another couple, and us. That's it. I liked how intimate it was and we weren't lost amongst a giant crowd.
yummmmm
We headed back down the mountain after that and visited V. Sattui...
...and Ferrari-Carano.
They have a few grapevines...
We chose to take a nap after that since we had to wake up so early to make our tour that morning. We had planned to get up around 7 for dinner, but we were so tired we hit the snooze and slept until the next morning!
Rested and ready to go the next day, we hit up 5 different wineries: Franciscan, Folie a Deux, Prager Port House, Del Dotto (the old caves), and Alpha and Omega. They all had some fantastic wines, and we brought home at least two bottles from each place.
Folie a Deux makes a red wine called Menage a Trois, which is pretty much our go-to wine for get togethers and just hanging out at home.
Prager was a nice surprise - we had never heard about them before but they make some great ports. Their tasting room was quite fantastic as well - it was covered in currency from all over the world!
Part of a wall at Prager. Even the ceilings and staircase were covered!
Del Dotto was fun because we got to tour their old caves and taste wine straight from the barrel. We had a larger tour group this time but it was still small enough that you didn't feel left out.
Barrels of wine
Dinner that night was at a vegetarian restaurant called Ubuntu. It was FANTASTIC! All of their vegetables are grown locally and you can really tell how fresh everything was. We ordered a four-course meal full of surprises from the chef. My favorite was the 3rd course which consisted of organic grits and beans and other deliciousness. I could eat that stuff every day.
The grits don't look like much but they were soooo good!
On Sunday we drove the 1.2 hours back to the San Francisco airport and headed home, our suitcases full of wine and beer.
p.s. Huge thanks go out to Tracy for sending me info about her trip to Napa!
Monday, July 11, 2011
colonized
I just got back from the doctor. My body is awesome.
We know that my thyroid level changed (again) so I'm going back to a higher dosage of fake thyroid.
My vitamin D is low so I need to get some more sunshine or drink some milk.
The bacterial vaginosis that started this whole mess is gone.
Apparently my body missed having something stupid hanging out down there so it replaced the bacterial vaginosis with group B strep.
I have no symptoms of this (which is normal) and that means I am now "colonized," according to a pamphlet my doctor gave me.
This is normal, folks, so don't go crazy. Read up on it if you like.
Yes.. they can treat me for this right now if I wanted. Then it will be gone.. for now. It could come back, and then the bacteria will be that much more resistant to antibiotics. My doctor wants me to call my OBGYN to see what they want to do (which I will do in the morning since they are closed for the day). Her opinion is to just let it be and they'll treat it whenever a baby is actually exiting through my vagina again. Not her words.
There really aren't any health risks in it for me, other than maybe a UTI or a uterus infection (that sounds pleasant), but if I do get pregnant again I could pass this loveliness onto my newborn (even if I'm treated during delivery), and there's a 5% chance that newborn could die if it gets infected.
5%? Psh. That's nothing, right?
Nothing.. considering I only had a 1% chance of miscarrying after reaching 16 weeks, and look what happened.
So, IF I get pregnant again, IF I don't get any stupid diseases, IF I don't miscarry due to genetics or whatever else and IF I actually make it to full term, I now have THIS to worry about.
Thank you, body. Let's keep everything else in line, ok?
We know that my thyroid level changed (again) so I'm going back to a higher dosage of fake thyroid.
My vitamin D is low so I need to get some more sunshine or drink some milk.
The bacterial vaginosis that started this whole mess is gone.
Apparently my body missed having something stupid hanging out down there so it replaced the bacterial vaginosis with group B strep.
I have no symptoms of this (which is normal) and that means I am now "colonized," according to a pamphlet my doctor gave me.
This is normal, folks, so don't go crazy. Read up on it if you like.
Yes.. they can treat me for this right now if I wanted. Then it will be gone.. for now. It could come back, and then the bacteria will be that much more resistant to antibiotics. My doctor wants me to call my OBGYN to see what they want to do (which I will do in the morning since they are closed for the day). Her opinion is to just let it be and they'll treat it whenever a baby is actually exiting through my vagina again. Not her words.
There really aren't any health risks in it for me, other than maybe a UTI or a uterus infection (that sounds pleasant), but if I do get pregnant again I could pass this loveliness onto my newborn (even if I'm treated during delivery), and there's a 5% chance that newborn could die if it gets infected.
5%? Psh. That's nothing, right?
Nothing.. considering I only had a 1% chance of miscarrying after reaching 16 weeks, and look what happened.
So, IF I get pregnant again, IF I don't get any stupid diseases, IF I don't miscarry due to genetics or whatever else and IF I actually make it to full term, I now have THIS to worry about.
Thank you, body. Let's keep everything else in line, ok?
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