couch potato

I am now on doctors orders to be a couch potato for (minimum) the next 9 weeks.

That would be the layman's term for modified bed rest.

What happened, you ask? Well let me tell you.

On June 15 Keith and I left for a 9-day trip to Seattle. We had a great time, got to do a bunch of touristy stuff, saw friends we haven't seen in a while, and finished off the trip by attending the National Homebrew Conference. All-in-all it was a really nice vacation/babymoon, if you will. We did a ton of walking and standing while there, but I made sure to rest whenever I could.

We flew home early Monday morning and since I took the day off work to recoup, I also scheduled my monthly ob appointment for that day. I've been having my doctors check me for BV each month since that's what I had with Aidan, but didn't have any symptoms, so I don't want to run into that situation again. While my doc was "down there" she also checked my cervix and noted that it felt short to her. Not to worry, she said, the length could be on the inside where she couldn't feel, but to be on the safe side she scheduled me for a transvaginal ultrasound to determine the actual length. Since it was late in the day and the tech was out, I had to come back on Tuesday for the ultrasound. Not to worry? ha. Everything is going to make me worried this pregnancy.

Got there on Tuesday and had the ultrasound. I wasn't sure what to expect since I haven't had a transvag before, but it really wasn't bad at all. The tech took some measurements, told me it seemed short to her too, but she wanted to speak with the doctor so he could decide what to do. She told me to head upstairs and wait for his decision.

I head upstairs and sat down for a few minutes, and the next thing I know a nurse is walking towards me with a prescription for steroids. She told me that my cervix is measuring 1.5 cm (which is quite low - average is between 3 and 5cm) and that the steroids are to help baby's lungs mature in case I deliver early. I immediately went to the pharmacy to pick up the steroid shots and drove back so she could administer it. One shot today, one shot the next. That shot burns, man!  It wasn't too bad going in but once all of the medicine got in there it burned like crazy. It went away after maybe 10 minutes but was kinda sore the rest of the day. The steroids are called betamethasone. Google it if you want.. it does other things but the main thing for me is baby girl's lung development. Again, since it was later in the day and because I had the BV test done on Monday, they couldn't do any more tests today so I had to come back on Wednesday.

Of course at this point I am freaking out and I started googling everything I could when I got home about a short cervix and the steroids. Apparently it's super common for women to get these shots (if they have a risk of pre-term labor) and a lot of them make it rather far in their pregnancy, some even needing to be induced at the end. None of this settled my nerves, however.  I had asked the nurse if I needed to take it easy the rest of the day and she said no, continue as usual.  So Keith and I attempted to go to our beer club meeting, but one of the ladies started asking me about the pregnancy (she had just found out about it) and how I was doing and I could barely stop myself from crying. I ran to the bathroom and cried there for about 10 minutes, came out and told Keith we needed to go. Luckily we had a bit of an excuse as we were planning on visiting Jenn and her new baby girl in the hospital that night, and our waitress at the bar sucked, so we split. The hospital visit wasn't too bad.. baby Quorra is super cute (and quiet!) but I did not say anything about what was going on (and Jenn.. since you read this.. now you know).

I could barely sleep that night. I fell asleep a little after 10, but woke up at midnight and couldn't go back to bed until 4am. My heart kept palpitating or my thoughts would wander off to crazy places whenever I attempted to sleep.

Wednesday arrived, and by this time I had told the important people at work about what was going on. I pretty much had to since I was supposed to go in the office, but worked from home instead (nice perk, yes). Everything I had read about my situation seemed mostly positive, but it also meant I'd be on bed rest until the end of this pregnancy. I got to the doctors and they did a pelvic exam, cervix check and a fFN (fetal Fibronectin) test. The fFN test measures a protein in my vagina and basically determines my risk of pre-term labor. The doctor told me that yes, my cervix is 1.5cm long, and when the ultrasound tech had me bear down during the ultrasound, the length dropped down to 1.2cm. Good news is my cervix is not dilated (yay!) and it is medium-soft (hard would be best, but medium-soft is better than soft), and baby is not pushing down on my cervix.  He is a very positive-minded doctor (which I appreciate.. tired of all the negative people) and did not seem overly concerned. He said I basically need to be a couch potato from here on out, meaning no heavy lifting, no grocery shopping (or any long bouts of standing/walking), and no sex.  He said it was ok for me to go to work since all I do is sit all day, and that's all I'd be doing at home anyway. Keith came with me to the appointment (thank you!) and he asked if all the walking/standing we did in Seattle could have caused this.  He said no, that it would have happened anyway.  I didn't ask any further questions about that, but it makes me wonder if I have an incompetent cervix problem, and perhaps that along with the BV is what lead to Aidan's death last year. He said our ultimate goal is to get me to 34 weeks (which is just about 9 weeks away!), but really the longer she stays in there, the better. Every week makes a huge difference in her development and increases her chances of surviving outside the womb.  He scheduled me for another ultrasound and appointment in two weeks, I got my second steroid shot (that nurse was rough! It hurt even more that time!), and I went home.

I was actually feeling much better that night, but I did feel bad because now Keith has to do pretty much everything around the house and I think it's going to be really stressful on him. But I want nothing more than this baby to come out healthy (and preferably in October!) so I must do whatever I can to keep her safe.   I'm going to limit standing and walking, no stairs if possible, and, as the doc said, just be a couch potato.

The results of the fFN test wouldn't come back till Thursday, which leads us to today. They called me early this morning which was great (didn't have to worry all day) and it came back negative!! That is good!  If it came back positive that basically meant that within the next few weeks my body would most likely go into labor. Since it's negative (for now) there's only a very very small chance of labor happening any time soon.

So now begins my couch-potato-ness. Doesn't this just get better and better? Told ya I'd still update here. Was just hoping for something more positive to write about.

triage

It would be ridiculous for me to think, even for a second, that this pregnancy would go smoothly.

Monday night further enforced the fact that I should never let such a thought cross my mind.

I will preface this by saying don't worry.. I am fine and so is baby girl.

So Monday night I was working late, and before I left for home I went to the bathroom. Does this sound familiar? Bad things always happen in the bathroom.  Anyway, luckily I did not see my amniotic fluid sac hanging out, but instead I saw a little bit of spotting. No big deal, I thought - I've had a little bit of spotting here and there throughout this pregnancy, which I understand is normal. But as I continued to clean myself, a nice, quarter-sized clot came out.

Of course I started freaking out, but I tried with all of my might to stay calm. I didn't have any cramping or pain so that was good. The spotting continued after the clot but nothing else came out -- again, good. So I drove home and called my mom on the way (after calling Keith, who was at the gym and didn't answer).  The plan was to get home (about a 35 minute drive), see if the spotting continued/more clots came, then call the doctor.

I was so thankful that I could feel baby girl moving during the ride home. The fact that I could feel her move and I didn't have any pain told me that this probably wasn't serious, but still really scary because I had no idea why I would suddenly pass a clot after sitting at work all day.

Got home.. no clots and just the tiniest bit of spotting. I called the doctor and she suggested I to go to triage just to make sure everything was ok with the baby. Keith got home and then we headed to the hospital.

It was a relatively quiet night on Monday so we got a bed right away and the nurse started asking me a million questions. She found baby's heartbeat with the doppler rather easily and it was in the normal range. Baby girl was very active that night and Keith finally got to feel her kick! That was nice. Then the doctor came in and asked me some more questions and did an exam. She found that I have what is called a friable spot on my cervix and that is where the bleeding came from. Basically it means that any sort of agitation can cause this spot to bleed. She didn't seem concerned about this - I guess some women's cervixes can be completely friable which would probably mean bedrest - but it was good to know why I was bleeding. I don't know why this spot is there in the first place, however.  She then did a "digital" exam to check my cervix and oh my god I swear she put her entire fist up there. Holy crap that was insane. I guess my cervix is softer than she would like (interesting.. because at an appointment two months ago the doc said it was hard) but she did say it was closed so that's good. The softness could be due to my pregnancy with Aidan messing up my cervix, but who knows.  We got to see baby girl on an ultrasound after that and she looked good - heart still beating and all that. Urine test was fine as well. The nurse discharged me after this and we went home.

So basically the new thing that's wrong with me is that friable spot. It could bleed again and clot again, but as long as the bleeding stops and I don't have pain or contractions then I'm ok. Yes, some bleeding can be normal during pregnancy.

That was just not how I wanted to spend Monday night.

life

just wanted to share this beautiful post:

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2012/5/30/the-meaning-of-a-life.html

happy?

I have a "happy" blog.   I made it back in April with the intent to put happy things up there, AKA not sad things, AKA things like words and pictures that are acceptable for family members to see and read but not necessarily what a BLM would want to see.  I was going to share it with family "at some point." Whenever I decided I wanted to be more public about this pregnancy. I shared it with my mom first because I put more ultrasound pictures up there.. and then she shared it with facebook.  /facepalm.  It's ok though. I am ok with it now.

So I give you the option of viewing it or not.  I have been taking weekly pictures where I look very happy and excited for this one, all of which are up there. I have not written a lot, but it's just enough to update others on the happier side of where I am right now.

I will continue to write here as there will always be grief and other things I want to share with *you*, but it will probably be more sporadic.  I think I will write another "Right Where I Am" post for Angie... just need to work on it. I've been bad with words lately.

Without further ado, I give you the happy blog: ancaisteal.blogspot.com

it's a...

Secret!

No, I won't do that to you. Just keep reading.

The ultrasound was very uneventful. I laid there for about 15 minutes while the ultrasound tech took measurements and photos of the baby. She then brought in Keith and went over everything. Baby is healthy! She said the heart looks great and pointed out the kidneys and spine and bladder. I cried when I first got to see our baby on the ultrasound screen.  It was so amazing to be able to see this one moving around in all of that wonderful amniotic fluid that Aidan was so desperately lacking. It's amazing to think that I'm only a few weeks ahead of when Aidan died, yet so much farther in this baby's little life. Each week is a milestone. It's becoming more and more real that we might get to take this one home, alive. I cry just thinking about it.

She finally asked at the end whether we want to know the gender or not. I excitedly nodded my head yes - I am not up for a "gender neutral" anything and do not want a green/yellow shower or nursery. I mentioned that practically everyone I know is having a girl or has had a girl in the past 2 years, and was wondering whether we'd be joining them...

Care to take a guess before I tell you?

Our little one

It's a...

GIRL!

I was surprised for a number of reasons.. my grandma, who I swear just knows things, had guessed a boy (she guessed Aidan correctly), most of my friends and family guessed boy as well, and I was starting to get the feeling that this one would be a boy. I had my doubts though because I did not have the dreams that I had with Aidan, and sure enough we are, in fact, joining my friends and family who have all had girls. 

We are so happy because she is healthy and that we have made it this far. Of course we are still nervous and walking on eggshells, but we are hoping that the rest of the pregnancy goes as smoothly as it has and that we will get to take home a live, breathing, healthy little girl in October. 

this week

Just a few things..

Still struggling with how much information regarding Aidan to share with others. My coworker got food poisoning the other day, and I mentioned that I've never had it before. Another coworker stated how lucky I was that I haven't and that he's had it and has never thrown up so much before in his life.  Then I realized I've actually had similar symptoms when I was uncontrollably vomiting after taking Flagyl. I don't think this coworker knows about Aidan (he's new) and so I didn't bring it up.

Yesterday this same coworker brought up the movie Rocky, and others commented on how it's a classic and everyone should see it. I mentioned that I've seen it. I did not mention that I saw it at the hospital the morning after giving birth to Aidan.

...

I puked and rallied at lunch yesterday. Some coworkers and I went out for lunch and I was starrrving, so I scarfed down my food when it arrived. I got about halfway through when my stomach decided it wasn't happy. I went to the bathroom, threw it all up, then went back and continued eating.

...

Finding out about others' pregnancies still gives me anxiety, especially the ones who aren't BLMs. Glad everything's going so perfectly well for you.

...

I am dwelling on some comments that people said to me/Keith after Aidan died. Someone said something AWFUL to Keith back then and he just told me about it a few weeks ago, and that of course brought all of the hurtful comments back to my memory. Think before you speak, people. A simple "I'm so sorry" <<hug>> "What can I do to help?" would suffice.   You may have a spiritual being in your world that kills children for a reason, but not in mine. And all of my children deserve a name, even if they died in the womb. Fuck you.

...

In happier news, we have the anatomy scan on Monday, so hopefully the little one will cooperate and we can find out the gender as well. The plan is to make some "gender reveal" cupcakes for work, with colored filling on the inside.

That's all I got.

after the storm

after the storm
when the lightning has ceased
the thunder is silenced
the wind has calmed
and the rain is but a drizzle
you'll often times see a rainbow

i finally have my rainbow, 18 weeks in the making.

in 5 months this little one is supposed to arrive, supposed to be breathing, healthy, and alive. we are nervous.  we are cautiously expecting.  there is some comfort in the fact that we've passed Aidan's date of 17 weeks and 2 days, but we are still scared because we know anything can happen at any time.

i am doing my best to stay positive. i am trying to plan...car seats, strollers, the nursery. it is all very overwhelming yet almost comforting because it sort of forces me to think that this baby will actually make it.

we have a lot of support, and i thank all of you for your continued support and love. this is still a difficult journey but, as always, we're doing our best to make it through.