it still hurts

stab. stab. stab.

twist. twist. twist.

i wish i were made of kevlar.

recap

Did May actually happen? We're a week into June already and I feel like I was barely around for May. Luckily I take pictures of things so I can remember what happened...

First off: at the end of April our basement had to be waterproofed..

Holes were dug in the basement..

..and our backyard.

This was finished in early May, and now my basement is full of dust that I have not cleaned up yet.


In the middle of the waterproofing, B.S. day happened..

I didn't make these but they were tasty

I did make this, and somehow finished it in a week. I told you I am all about crocheting now.

Keith got me something special for Mother's Day..

It is this beautiful oval sapphire ring with a bunch of little diamonds 

and pretty scrollwork on the sides (if you couldn't get all that from the pictures)

My flowers bloomed..

I went to New York for work..

And then Keith and I went to Amsterdam (also for work)..

Then this happened...

That would be me, smiling, and holding a baby.

Obviously that is not my baby because mine is dead (and a boy). That baby is a girl, and just so happens to be Jenn's brand new beautiful daughter, Scarlett.  Was that day hard for me? Um, hell yes. You know it's been a rough day when you find yourself in the middle of Costco trying so hard to hold back the tears that you don't even take the free samples.  Amazingly I did not cry when I was visiting Jenn. The tears magically disappeared about one second before I walked through her hospital room door.  I'm quite impressed by myself for that, I suppose. I wasn't willing them to go away or anything - I was full on expecting to be sobbing the entire time - but that didn't happen.   I even managed to make a second trip to the hospital without crying. Craziness.   I guess I had to do what I had to do.  Am I all happy and better now? No. Did you read Friday's post?  

Coincidentally, I was able to bring my son home the day after Jenn brought her daughter home..

See that shadow in the bottom left of the tub? That woud be Aidan.

Apparently this is standard fare for containers they ship dead children home in. Doesn't it look like one of those tubs with nightcrawlers in it that you buy at the bait shop? It was actually shipped in a bigger plastic box, and the whole thing is now residing on our end table in the living room.  Keith and I have pretty much figured out what to do for a more permanent home for Aidan. More details on that later.

This brings me to this past weekend...

me, paddleboating

I begrudgingly went up north with some friends and ended up having a decent time, for the most part. I laughed till I cried then almost cried myself to sleep. One thing I discovered this weekend is that I have a 24 hour limit on fake happiness. 

Ugh. Thank goodness all of that is out of my system now. What a May. Now I can get back to my feelings. 

right where i am: 97 days

I was thinking earlier of what it was like before Aidan was born. What it was like to be happy. How glorious it must have been to feel "normal" and not overwhelmed by these sudden waves of sadness.

Before Aidan was even a blip on the radar I had my moments of sadness. I don't want to call it depression, as I know that is a serious disease and I'm pretty sure I did not have that, but I still got very sad quite often. I blamed it on my thyroid medicine. There were different triggers for my sadness.. not feeling like I was moving forward in my career, just having a shitty day, etc. But generally the sadness would end after a day or two.

Then Aidan came into the picture. Seeing those two lines on the pregnancy test was so magical, so mind-opening. We created a life! Those 3.5 months I was pregnant were pure elation (aside from the occasional nausea). I didn't realize it at the time, but I realize now how amazing it is to be pregnant and how much I long for it again.

When "the event" happened, which eventually caused Aidan's death, the whole world crumbled beneath me. Everything changed. The sadness returned and it did not go away after a day or two. It's still here, lingering, poking its spiny head out whenever it pleases, ensuring that I don't return to my previous happy state.

Yes, I may appear happy to you.. in person, in pictures, wherever. But I'm not. You know this, right? I turn off my sadness for you. Actually.. no. I turn it off for myself. When I'm around other people I prefer to be "happy" so that I'm not asked questions or encouraged to feel better. It's futile - trying to make me feel better. Sure, I suppose I'll laugh for a second or really enjoy that ice cream, but that's as long as the feeling lasts.

Now that I have this everlasting sadness I can only laugh at my new-found abilities. Did you know that I am quite the driver when my eyes are flooded with tears? I can also cry in public without caring. Apparently even in front of my coworkers (whom are all men). I tear up at the slightest mention of Aidan and can jump between "happy" and sad at a moment's notice.

It's just so very hard to have this sense of longing and loss constantly clutching at my soul. With time the waves will become shallower or perhaps less frequent, but I know the sadness is here to stay. And this only makes me sadder.

I long for Aidan. I long for him to be in my womb again. I long for things to be the way they used to be. I have him in my possession again, which is slightly comforting, except now he is only ashes.

I am bitter and jealous of the ever-growing list of women around me who are pregnant and popping out babies left and right. Healthy, live babies.

I am thankful for my husband, who is oh so understanding of my sad days and my need to just sit on our couch and crochet; and for my friends, who somehow seem to get it when I just don't want to hang out.

I am anxious at the thought of trying again, of when to start and if we will even be ready or even be able to get pregnant again.

So this is where I am right now: Dancing between moments of fake happiness and out-of-the-blue intense sadness. The in between is just a feeling of numbness and apathy.



This post is part of Angie's Right Where I Am Project.

just a plastic bowl

I feel like I should have planned this better.

I knew Aidan was going to be arriving, although I didn't know the exact dates I figured it would be in a few weeks.

Now he's here. Sitting in a plastic bowl inside of a plastic box on my coffee table.

I should have bought an urn for him. I knew I wanted to eventually buy an urn for him, then we could put him on a shelf (which we also need to buy) next to our family wedding portraits.

But I didn't.

I guess I figured I'd just wait till he arrived, so I knew what size to get. Like it really mattered. The smallest one they have would be too big. Not that he has to fill it to the brim or anything.

So now we need to buy one. But who wants to go urn shopping for their dead child? This just makes it all too real.

This sucks.

$22.75

I picked up Aidan from the post office today.

They tried to deliver him to my house while we were still in Amsterdam, but luckily they require a live person to receive him, otherwise he would have been left on our doorstep, sitting for days, soaking in the ungodly amount of rain Michigan got last week. I had to show my ID and sign a paper and electronic form in order to take him home with me. I suppose I am thankful for this, although I'm sure the chances are low, but at least some random stranger wouldn't be able to waltz into the post office and steal my son. That would suck.

It was probably a bad idea to pick him up before work, as I cried the entire 30+ minute drive in, but I usually leave work when the post office closes, so this was the only time to do it. He is now sitting on my desk, in the same box he was shipped in. Is that weird? Taking your dead son to work? I didn't want to leave him in the car, in the 90 degree heat. That's bad parenting.

I haven't opened the package yet.. I am going to wait till I get home so Keith and I can open it together, just like in the hospital when I gave birth to him. Keith stood by my side, holding my hand, and got to see him enter the world, butt first. At least I'll get to watch this time, although now he's just ashes. I'm not sure what he's actually in.. a box? a bag? Both? The package is kind of light..maybe a pound or two.. so it could be a light box.

No one at work has asked me what the package is yet, but that doesn't mean they won't. I'm a little worried that they will ask, and if they do I'm not sure how to answer. "Oh, it's just Aidan. Yeah I brought him in.. isn't it Take Your Child to Work Day?" That could be awkward, no?

So, for now I will try to get through work and catch up on everything I've missed. I apparently need to blog every day, as there have been several events this week that require blogging, but I'm going to take it one event at a time.

Oh.. the total cost to ship Aidan to me was $22.75. I was way off!

3 months

It's our last full day in Amsterdam. This week has been a little crazy, but overall a good one. We have some fun things planned for today and I'll be sure to tell you all about our trip when we get back.

Happy 3 month angelversary, Aidan. I can't believe how long it's been.

overseas

I'm not supposed to be here.

Shortly after I announced to work that I was pregnant, we found out when and where our annual conference would be held, which is in a different country every year. I've been working for this company for almost five years now, but I've never attended a conference, so I was excited to find out that I'd actually get to go this time. The place? Amsterdam, The Netherlands. The time? May 23-25, 2011.

Originally I said YES! I want to go! I love traveling, especially when I can bring Keith with me, and I had never visited Amsterdam before, except for its crazy Schiphol Airport, so this trip was bound to be fun.

I then realized that I would be almost seven months pregnant at the conference. Did I really want to travel overseas at this stage? Would it be risky for my/my child's health (jet lag, new country, new diseases..)? Maybe, maybe not. Then my mom announced the day she had booked my baby shower for: Sunday, May 22. Yes, that would be today. If I were to attend my shower (um, duh of course I'm going to attend), I wouldn't be able to leave for Amsterdam till Sunday night, meaning I wouldn't arrive till early Monday morning. I'd be jet lagged for sure and I'd probably miss the first day of the conference. I decided that I did not want to put that kind of stress on my body and, after all these years of waiting for my chance to go, I chose not to attend the conference. My boss was a little sad, as he too wanted me to go, but he understood and realized it was for the best.

Fast forward a few months and you'll find me on a beautiful Sunday morning typing away, sitting in my hotel room in Amsterdam.

Yes, this trip should be fun and I'll finally get to explore this wondrous city. But I'd much rather be sitting in my living room, watching reality show reruns with a giant pregnant belly.