i must hate myself

I must hate myself.

I purposefully looked at ultrasound and bump pictures of women who are currently pregnant.

What good did that do me?  None.

It just made me sad.

and cry.

goodbye facebook....again.

two months

Two months have passed. Crazy.

Now that I've hit this mark I'm allowed to use tampons, take baths and use hot tubs, and even have the sexy time (spoken in Borat's voice).

I'm not feeling very insightful today. Work has actually been busy for me these past two days and I don't even have time to be sad. Wow. That must be why I broke down after work and randomly started crying on the way to craft night.

I am so so so thankful for all of my friends. Thank you so much for remembering and thinking of me, Keith and Aidan. It truly means so much to me.

greeting card

http://www.someecards.com/baby-cards/congratulations-on-not-having-a-miscarriage

That's my exact thought every time I see a mom and her new baby.

red poppies

If you hadn't noticed, I changed the design of my blog a short while ago (it used to be orangey with watermarked flowers and hummingbirds). This design called to me for a few reasons...

I had started looking for nursery themes and bedding early on in my pregnancy. I tried not to get too into it, as I knew I wanted to decorate based on the gender of the baby, and we weren't going to find that out until I was 20 weeks. But I had such a strong feeling that Aidan was going to be a boy that I researched a lot, only looking at "boy" themes. I never found the perfect bedding, but I knew I wanted red in it - either as the main color or as a strong accent color. I have associated the color red with Aidan since then, and it has come back to me several times (born bright red, our little fire, etc). So the fact that there is red in this design is reason #1.

When I first found out I was pregnant I immediately started browsing the forums on thebump.com. I never posted there, but I liked reading about other women's pregnancies, what they were up to and what they were experiencing, and in general just getting advice about things (all without talking to anyone). Aidan was due in August, so I mainly looked at the board for us August 2011 moms. A lot of the women had little pictures of red poppies in their signature, stating that they were "Ready to 'pop' in August." I eventually discovered that each month has a flower (or two) associated with it, just like there is a birthstone for every month. Poppies are the flower for August. The flowers you see in my new design are poppies, making this reason #2.  The fact that the poppies are red (or perhaps red-orange?) are an added bonus.

This background is one of many that blogger allows you to choose from. I wasn't up for finding my own background and getting super creative, so I was content to choose from their vast list. Initially I only looked at backgrounds with a lot of red in them, but I was finding that they were too bright or too harsh. I passed this one up at first, but I came back to it, appreciating its simplicity and the serenity it brought to the page. So, there you have reason #3.

It may seem silly to write a whole post about why I changed my design, but I'm finding throughout the day that I'll just come here and stare at the screen.  Just looking at my blog brings me a little peace, and hey, at this point I'll take whatever I can get. 

without you

MIMI
Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.

Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

ROGER
The world revives—

MIMI
Colors renew—

BOTH
But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.

MIMI
Without you.
Without you, the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

ROGER
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.

ROGER
The mind churns!

MIMI
The mind churns!

ROGER
The heart yearns!

MIMI
The heart yearns!

BOTH
The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I’m gone.
Cause I die, without you.

MIMI
Without you.

ROGER
Without you.

BOTH
Without you.

quick update

I went from having hypothyroidism to hyperthyroidism, i.e. my thyroid was doing too little and now it is doing too much. Thank you, pregnancy.

I still need medicine to control my thyroid, but now I'll take a lower dose to bring my levels back to normal.


This could explain some of the craziness I've been experiencing (mood swings, tired all the time, some insomnia, some weight loss) but I also just lost a child, so who knows.

let's go red wings

What's new?

The Detroit Red Wings swept the Phoenix Coyotes last night and are now moving on to Round 2 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. This is our 20th consecutive year in the playoffs. We are pretty much the bomb diggity.

I had a good day yesterday and even felt good about myself for a change, so I rewarded myself by staying up till 1am watching the game at Cheli's with Keith and some friends.  The last time I hung out with these guys was St. Patty's day when I had two breakdowns, and some random guy apparently wanted to take my picture while I was sobbing on Keith's shoulder. Good times.  But! I did not cry last night!  Success!

I pretty much cried all day on Tuesday, though, so yesterday was a nice change of pace.

I'm probably going to start using facebook again..My single-word post the other day was just to see who's out there. And, btw, none of you responded appropriately, although I should have written it better..  I was hoping to see "I'm a car" as a response. Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about.

It's actually really nice not checking facebook every day to see what others are doing, then worrying that you missed something so you spend an hour reading through everything in your newsfeed.  It's freeing.  But, I do miss seeing pictures (even the ones that I torture myself with) and I think I'm feeling ok enough to not post something depressing every day. Well, I feel ok enough today not to post something depressing. Can I just point out that I'm not crazy and babies/pregnancy-related things really are following me? I did look at facebook on Tuesday and what were the first things in my newsfeed? (Adorable) Baby bump pictures from that girl-that-I-really-like-and-we-were-supposed-to-share-our-pregnancies-together-but-I-just-had-to-ruin-it and a pic of an acquaintance's brand new baby girl, who is perfect, of course, and alive. The magic word.

I'm going to make this an extra long post, as I just received a call from my doctor. I had some bloodwork done last week to make sure all of my levels are ok. Apparently my thyroid is low. I'm not sure how low, but I now have an appointment this afternoon to find out.  I've been on thyroid medication for.. some amount of time now. A year? or two? And I honestly believe that either my thyroid or my medication for it is encouraging my depression(or whatever you want to call it), and both could be true according to the interwebs.  I'm not sure how long the medication stays in your system, but I'm pretty sure I forgot to take my pill on Tuesday (did I mention how bad my memory has gotten?). Tuesday ended up being a terribly bad day for me. Coincidence? I don't know.  I also think I might have forgotten to take a pill around the time I had the bloodwork done (maybe a few days before) so I wonder if that screwed up the test? We shall see. I'll let you know what's up after my appointment.